I still don't know quite what to say, so let me start by saying
Hello to everyone. It is approaching the one year anniversary that
we sent our son Joshua home to God to be perfect and whole. I am now
25 weeks pregnant with a "healthy" little boy. People around me
think for some reason one child should replace another. This
pregnancy is different and many times reminded me of the pregnancy
with Joshua. I had started therapy when I found myself hating
pregnant women (before I became pregnant again) and when I was
starring at infants heads...thinking why couldn't my son just have
the same chance. We found out 2 days after our wedding that we were
expecting a total surprise baby, and we were shocked. Wow I am
shaking and have that tight throat feeling now..I guess a lot of
pain is still here. I had my ultrasound on 1-13-06..Friday the 13th.
I knew he was not very active, and was in a large amount of
fluid..but I had pics of my baby and was on cloud 9...My daughter
was 10, this baby was one I was so excited for. Now that I survived
his due date 7-30-06 and to honor him had a baby foot print with
wings and a halo tattooed on my shoulder blade with 1-20-06 under
it. I am scared of this upcoming time, the date of the ultrasound,
the date the Dr called us in to sit us down, the three days and
nights I stayed up searching for any Dr any where that could "fix"
my son and finding only Dr's interested in his organs, and the date
we "ended" the pregnancy...I was 12w6d...1 day away from begining my
second trimester and ending the morning sickness. I was never told I
could of induced early and held his tiny body, when I saw the pics
on the group I felt robbed of what my heart wanted to do, and what
was "best for me". I cried so hard in the O.R. the Dr and 2 nurses
cried and they had a hard time knocking me out. I have ultrasound
photos and a pathology report discussing the "products of
conception" and now I can't seem to get close to this baby boy, and
I was wondering any suggestions on the approaching anniversary and
any suggestions on how to be close to our son Ethan, due in April.
Sorry for how long
Mel