Hello. I lost my baby girl, Ruby Elizabeth, June 30, 2005 to
anencephaly. We chose to induce early.

Even though I know better, I took this loss as a personal assault
from God. I know God doesn't work that way. But I had a miscarriage
a few months before we conceived Ruby, and I felt that God had told
me the next one was ours to keep. I honestly believed God had told
me that. So it wasn't just the shock and the loss and everything
else that comes with this grief, it was an insult from God. Maybe
some of you have also felt that way.

In any case, I have tried to be faithful and trust in the Lord, even
when I feel betrayed. I know he carries me more than I know, and
loves me in spite of my anger. But I've had a hard time trusting
him. In fact I think I have really spent the last year and a half
hiding from God.

Initially, I felt so blessed by the people in my life. I felt
loved. I didn't feel judged. I felt supported. But there have been
times throughtout the last year, and in particular the last couple of
months, where I just feel like I've overwhelmed my network. I'm too
much to handle. They can't take me any more. Because I have a
wonderful son who just turned four, the phone was my lifeline to the
outside world. But lately I have stopped calling most of my
friends. One friend actually went as far as to tell me, "You have a
husband who loves you. You have a son. You have a beautiful house.
Isn't that enough?" Maybe it should be. There must be something
wrong with me if I can't just get past it? Or maybe it's just that
no one understands what I feel like. In any case, I don't want to be
a burden, and I don't think I need to hear that kind of statement.

My husband's family was also a huge line of support, but I feel that
they too have failed me miserably in the past weeks. His brother,
who has always been a close friend, has dropped off the face of the
earth, along with his sister. We felt unwelcome by his parents to
stay Christmas Eve night, and I personally felt like an outsider on
Christmas day.

I have sometimes felt "crippled" since losing my daughter, unable to
cope with life in general or to move ahead, but a couple months ago I
finally decided to give pregnancy another chance. (My husband was
ready all along.) My period was due on Christmas, but since my
sister was coming to visit and I knew there would be alcohol
involved, I tested early, on Friday, and it was positive.

We are thankful and excited but I'm a little bit wacked out. My
husband says not to worry, everything will be just like it was with
our son, Landon. (Is he now the voice of God to me?) I really don't
worry so much about anencephaly in particular as I do about anything
that can happen. I'm really almost in panic mode all the time. Now
that I've been struck by lightening, I know that anything is
possible. And not just to this baby but to Landon as well. Or to my
husband. It practically paralyzes me. I know I have hormones
surging through my blood right now. But I basically can't stop
crying for the last two days. I don't want to talk to anyone, and
the only person we've told is my sister. I've ben avoiding my best
friend, the only one I really still talk to. I know I won't lose her
friendship but it will change. She's single with no kids, and we
like to have beers and cigarettes together. That isn't going to
happen. (I know that sounds terrible - it has just been my escape -
and it's hard to give it up although I have.)

I guess I feel like I'm giving myself up completely by becoming
pregnant again. I recently quit my job as a piano teacher in order
to search for a new career, so I was already in search mode anyway.
And I was already feeling alone and misunderstood. Now I have no
escape from my mind and no friends I feel I can talk to. As excited
as I am, I'm desperately frantic and I don't know what to do with
myself.

I don't know how I'll get through the next 8 months. I know three
years from now it will seem like a flash. But from here it's so
daunting. It's almost too much to take.

And I look and my son and wonder how he became four. (December 5)
How did this happen? He was only two and a half when we lost Ruby.
That's so long ago - how could it be that long? How could I wait so
long? I feel like I've robbed him of a sibbling by waiting. But I
just couldln't do it. And yet so many of you tried again so
quickly. I feel like such a failure and wonder how I'll ever be able
to mother another child. I feel like I'll never come out of this
grief. I want to feel joy without feeling crazy. I want to be
normal.

OK, I'm sorry for the long long long post. I'll stop rambling.
Thank you all for your stories and know that my heart is with you...

KJ

I'm feeling very alone.

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