--- In anencephaly@yahoogroups.com, "landonpaul02" <jongewards@...>
wrote:
>
> Hello. I lost my baby girl, Ruby Elizabeth, June 30, 2005 to
> anencephaly. We chose to induce early.
>
> Even though I know better, I took this loss as a personal assault
> from God. I know God doesn't work that way. But I had a
miscarriage
> a few months before we conceived Ruby, and I felt that God had told
> me the next one was ours to keep. I honestly believed God had told
> me that. So it wasn't just the shock and the loss and everything
> else that comes with this grief, it was an insult from God. Maybe
> some of you have also felt that way.
>
> In any case, I have tried to be faithful and trust in the Lord,
even
> when I feel betrayed. I know he carries me more than I know, and
> loves me in spite of my anger. But I've had a hard time trusting
> him. In fact I think I have really spent the last year and a half
> hiding from God.
>
> Initially, I felt so blessed by the people in my life. I felt
> loved. I didn't feel judged. I felt supported. But there have
been
> times throughtout the last year, and in particular the last couple
of
> months, where I just feel like I've overwhelmed my network. I'm
too
> much to handle. They can't take me any more. Because I have a
> wonderful son who just turned four, the phone was my lifeline to
the
> outside world. But lately I have stopped calling most of my
> friends. One friend actually went as far as to tell me, "You have
a
> husband who loves you. You have a son. You have a beautiful
house.
> Isn't that enough?" Maybe it should be. There must be something
> wrong with me if I can't just get past it? Or maybe it's just that
> no one understands what I feel like. In any case, I don't want to
be
> a burden, and I don't think I need to hear that kind of statement.
>
> My husband's family was also a huge line of support, but I feel
that
> they too have failed me miserably in the past weeks. His brother,
> who has always been a close friend, has dropped off the face of the
> earth, along with his sister. We felt unwelcome by his parents to
> stay Christmas Eve night, and I personally felt like an outsider on
> Christmas day.
>
> I have sometimes felt "crippled" since losing my daughter, unable
to
> cope with life in general or to move ahead, but a couple months ago
I
> finally decided to give pregnancy another chance. (My husband was
> ready all along.) My period was due on Christmas, but since my
> sister was coming to visit and I knew there would be alcohol
> involved, I tested early, on Friday, and it was positive.
>
> We are thankful and excited but I'm a little bit wacked out. My
> husband says not to worry, everything will be just like it was with
> our son, Landon. (Is he now the voice of God to me?) I really
don't
> worry so much about anencephaly in particular as I do about
anything
> that can happen. I'm really almost in panic mode all the time.
Now
> that I've been struck by lightening, I know that anything is
> possible. And not just to this baby but to Landon as well. Or to
my
> husband. It practically paralyzes me. I know I have hormones
> surging through my blood right now. But I basically can't stop
> crying for the last two days. I don't want to talk to anyone, and
> the only person we've told is my sister. I've ben avoiding my best
> friend, the only one I really still talk to. I know I won't lose
her
> friendship but it will change. She's single with no kids, and we
> like to have beers and cigarettes together. That isn't going to
> happen. (I know that sounds terrible - it has just been my escape -

> and it's hard to give it up although I have.)
>
> I guess I feel like I'm giving myself up completely by becoming
> pregnant again. I recently quit my job as a piano teacher in order
> to search for a new career, so I was already in search mode
anyway.
> And I was already feeling alone and misunderstood. Now I have no
> escape from my mind and no friends I feel I can talk to. As
excited
> as I am, I'm desperately frantic and I don't know what to do with
> myself.
>
> I don't know how I'll get through the next 8 months. I know three
> years from now it will seem like a flash. But from here it's so
> daunting. It's almost too much to take.
>
> And I look and my son and wonder how he became four. (December 5)
> How did this happen? He was only two and a half when we lost
Ruby.
> That's so long ago - how could it be that long? How could I wait
so
> long? I feel like I've robbed him of a sibbling by waiting. But I
> just couldln't do it. And yet so many of you tried again so
> quickly. I feel like such a failure and wonder how I'll ever be
able
> to mother another child. I feel like I'll never come out of this
> grief. I want to feel joy without feeling crazy. I want to be
> normal.
>
> OK, I'm sorry for the long long long post. I'll stop rambling.
> Thank you all for your stories and know that my heart is with you...
>
> KJ
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> I'm feeling very alone.
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