Oh...I wish I could give you a hug!  I remember losing Angellynne as being the worst time in my life!  I was 24 when she was born also, but she was my third child.  It certainly wouldn't hurt to get counseling.  Call and explain the situation and they should be able to get you in right away.  I went to counseling afterward, but my doctor was a great counselor.  We got very close during that time.  I carried Angellynne for 1 week after finding out.  A week of sheer horror, so I know what you are going through.  I remember standing in line at the bakery and feeling her kick and wanting to scream "If you are going to take her, please make her stop kicking!"  I also remember being at the grocery store with my husband and seeing a mother harshly reprimand a child and asking God, "Why did she get a child and I don't?".  The fact that I had 2 others didn't mean anything in that moment.  My advice would be, once you and your husband are okay with your decision, do it quickly.  Once she was out and I saw her, I realized that I had made the right choice.  If you would like I could tell you what she looked like, if you need to be prepared, but you have to make that call.  I would also encourage you to hold your baby.  Take her (I am using this term because 70% of anencephalic babies are female), blanket off and count her toes and fingers.  Notice her hair, her nose, everything you would do with a living baby.  To others, Angellynne may have looked differently, but I fell in love with her the moment I held her.  I also remember thinking...I know why God is taking her, she is too sweet and delicate for this world.  At no time did I refer to her birth as a procedure also.  She was born, I went through the longest labor of my four kids with her...7 hours.  I am not sure if your baby is developed enough to give birth, but by law in Wisconsin, Angellynne met the terms of birth and had to be properly buried.  She weighed 8lbs 2oz.  You need to do what you feel will help you the most with this horrible situation.  Some people prefer not to see the baby.  As for having a belly and than not.  I was almost 6 months along.  I was so young when my first two were born, but this time I was going to do it right.  I joined a prenatal exercise class.  I was a member of LaLeche.  I knew alot of other pregnant people.  That was the hardest part.  I told the leaders of both of these groups what was going on and let them decide who could handle being told.  They both told the whole group.  A couple of woman called me, and one even visited me in the hospital, but most of them couldn't even meet my eye when I saw them again.  I was scary to them.  I was a reminder of what could happen, and because at that time we didn't know what caused it, and even the medical world didn't know if it was contagious, they didn't want to even see me.  My family all knew what had happened, and they just avoided talking about it at all.  That made me angry!  Why had they needed all the details of the births the first two time and didn't even want to talk about it this time.  I finally just started talking about it.  I needed to talk about it!  After a few uncomfortable (for others) comments by me, they came around and started asking questions...almost too many questions...but I had asked for it.  People that I hadn't seen in a couple months...the dentist, etc...did say things like, "Oh, congratulations, you had your baby!  Boy or girl?"  I just answered, "I had a beautiful baby girl angel."  If they asked more, I explained, otherwise I left it at that.  I loved talking about my babies...all of them (as you can see from my long letters,   Did my marriage suffer?  Yes, it did, as did all of my relationships for awhile.  I was angry at the world and my husband caught the brunt of it.  I didn't feel he was grieving enough and it made me angry!  I can remember one incident when he was innocently playing with our children.  Everything during that first year reminded me of my loss, and I got resentful of the fact that he could laugh and I couldn't.  Why wasn't he as sad as I was?  I remember storming out of the house and going to the cemetery and lying down on my babies grave and just sobbing.  Calling out to God, asking why this baby?  Telling him how I resented my husband.  Afterward I drove home and went to bed.  I stayed there for several days, just thinking.  I realized that it was not as hard on my husband because he had not carried her inside of him for almost 6 months.  He even missed her birth.  He did see her and hold her and cry then, but it was much easier for him to pick up the pieces and move on.  He had never even known her alive.  He told me later that it was hard for him to breakdown in front of me because he felt guilty for not being able to stop this or even help me.  I finally realized also, just how horrible I was to him right after.  Every time he opened his mouth I snapped at him out of my resentment.  Once I realized he was grieving differently than me, I was able to instead just give him a hug when the resentment started.  Funny thing was...that is when he really started to grieve.  My grief was lifted when I became pregnant again.  I felt that it would be unhealthy for the new baby.  After she was born, my youngest was a whiner.  Whining is my pet peeve.  I am an oldest sister, and my little sister is a whiner...it drove me crazy!  Still does!  I would find myself thinking, "Why did God take my angel and give me this whining brat?"  I finally realized he gave me Kaylee because she needed someone with alot of patience, and that is one of my spiritual gifts.  I always say..."God gave me a gift of patience with children, and then he gave me a test!" 
 
I have reached the conclusion that God knew how much I loved children, especially babies.  I ran a childcare in my home for over 24 years.  I know now that God took Angellynne to heaven to wait for me.  When I get there, I will have a baby who will be perfect in every way, that I can just love.  She is waiting for me.  I dream about her and her white curls to this day.  She would be almost 19.  Grief will come, and it will be hard on you, your husband, and everyone who cares about you.  It will not go away overnight, but it will get easier as time goes on.  Let your husband know how you are feeling and what you need from him.  It will help his grieving to feel he is helping you.  If you feel resentment building...remember, he did not carry this baby.  He is sad that it didn't go as planned, he hurts for you, but he never got to know this baby like you did.  You can get through this, you will get through this, and it can make your marriage stronger.  Hold in there, and email me whenever it gets real bad...I have been there.
 
And, look for the rose under the stone...now that you have carried a baby, you know that you can.  It will happen again, and the chance of recurrence's is very small. It will be hard for you to love the next baby until you know that everything is okay, so ask for an ultrasound asap.  Even then, you will be scared until the day they put that perfect little baby in your arms.  A new baby will not replace this one, they will always be two different beings, but it will help you to move on.
 
They have linked anencephally and spina bifida to a protein called, Fetal Alpha Protein, I think.  Ask your doctor to make sure he gives you a vitamin containing that.
 
Hang in there...there are lessons that you will learn through all of this.  Look for them and it will help you to understand it all a little better. 
God Bless
Lorie


Lisa <Elvis_shoes2@...> wrote:

Thank you so much for being so brave.  I really needed to talk to someone about this.  Sharing your story really helps me feel like I am not a bad person for terminating my pregnancy.  This is my first child and I am only 24yrs old.  I don't think I can carry this baby full term.  My husband and I have been trying for over 2yrs to get pregnant and it finally happened.  Believe it or not this has been the happiest 4 months of my life!

I am now facing the question of counseling.  Do you think that I should talk to a professional before I have the procedure done?  I am just scared that I won't be strong enough to get through this or my marriage will suffer because I will be so depressed.

How did you cope with going from having a belly and telling the world about your pregnancy to losing it? 

Thanks for everything.  Believe it or not, with these emails I feel better.

Lisa

----- Original Message -----

From: Lee Torbeck

To: anencephaly@yahoogroups.com

Sent: Saturday, January 01, 2005 6:37 PM

Subject: Re: [anencephaly] 16 wks pg and just found out that our baby has Anencephaly

Hello...I am sorry to hear about your little one...

I too had to decide between carrying my baby to term or terminating the pregnancy.  I have been afraid to tell this board that, because I think they all choose to carry.  We did not. 

 

At the time (1986), we had a 5yo daughter and a 3yo son who were very excited about the new baby.  We found out at 26 weeks.   I was showing, and we had all felt her moving around.  My husband and I decided that our older children were too young to go through the rest of the pregnancy not understanding why their little sister would never come home.  Instead, we told them that she was very sick and was going to be with Jesus. 

 

During the week it took to make my decision, I scoured the library for any information I could get on this defect. Any hope at all.  I even offered to carry her to term if they would let me donate her organs, but at that time they did not accept organs from anencephalic infants, because they didn't know if it was contagious??   My doctor finally gave me his pass to the hospital library where I got "real" information.  None of it good.

 

Also, at that time, there was a little girl with anencephaly who was 6yo.  She had no brain function at all...she was basically in a non-responsive coma.  After she was born, the parents wanted to let her go, but the state took custody of her.  They had spent over 6 years fighting to let thier little one go home.  It ruined thier financial state after their insurance ran out, and finally thier marriage fell apart.  This was all in the news during that week.  After my research, and that story, we made our decision and never looked back.  My husband missed the birth when he left to get lunch, but my mother was there.  I held my tiny little Angellynne for about 7 hours, wrapped in a blanket.  She was so tiny with a band of white curls, and perfect in every way until you turned her over.  I would have given my own life to spare hers, but Jesus needed her more than I did.  I know I will see her again. 

 

I believe she is my youngest daughter's guardian angel.  My youngest was born almost exactly a year to the day after Angellynne.

 

If I can be of any help, please let me...I have been exactly where you are right now and can give you a different view of things, I think, than the rest of these lovely families in this group.

God Bless...You are in my prayers...

Lorie

lme0067 <Elvis_shoes2@...> wrote:

Good Morning,
My husband and I are looking for advice from anyone who has
terminated thier pregnancy because of the birth defect.  We are in
complete shock and need to know what to expect emotionaly.  Thanks
for the concern.  With Love