Early warning signs

            How can you tell if you’re getting stressed and not just suffering run-of-the-millennium wear and tear? ‘Waking up with things going round and round in your mind – a list of things you can’t get rid of – is one sign,’ says Noreen. ‘Also, as your attention isn’t what it should be, you might start having small accidents. Or you may find you’re unreasonably snappy with other people without feeling as guilty about it as you once would, and you may even blame them. Generally, you look more negatively at things.’

            But you probably won’t own up to feeling that way – at least not at first. ‘People hate to admit they’re stressed,’ says Gary Cooper, BUPA Professor Of Organisational Psychology And Health at the University Of Manchester Institute Of Science And Technology, and probably Britain’s top stress guru. ‘A person – especially a woman in a predominantly male environment – might be afraid people will think she’s weak and can’t cope. If she’s a control freak, she’ll deny she’s under stress because that means that she has to acknowledge there are some things she can’t control. Or she may not want to look at the source of the stress, if it’s a ropy marriage, say, or a child whose behaviour is seriously off the rails. If she owns up to it, she has to deal with it. So she denies it to herself or covers it up.’

            Noreen Tehrani agrees. ‘If you see your role as the one who holds it all together, you can’t afford to admit you can’t cope. You’d be letting everyone down. Also, bringing a problem into the open makes it real, and you might fear this will make things worse. Better perhaps, to hobble along and try to believe that if you keep going things might improve.’

            The physical symptoms

If you’re dealing effectively with stress, your body just won’t let you go on. The list of stress-related complaints is long and all too familiar: sleep problems, fatigue, nausea, heart palpitations, back pain, indigestion, irritable bowel syndrome, frequent colds, headaches. When we react to a stressful situation, our body goes into overdrive. Stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol flood the system, the heart pumps faster, blood pressure rises. Digestion shuts down as is diverted to the muscles that tense in readiness for action. The liver releases sugar and fats for instant energy, saliva dries up and perspiration increases.

            This is known as the fight or flight response, and it’s great for getting out of the way of a charging tiger or runaway bus. But nature intended it as a short-term emergency reaction. The physical effort involved uses up energy and allows feeling of anger or fear to be expressed. After the crisis, an equally natural set of calming down mechanisms, known as the relaxation response, kicks in to reverse the psychological and physiological arousal.

            The trouble with modern life is that so many of our challenges are mental or emotional, and follow hard on each other’s heels (row with partner, delayed train, late for an appointment). Stress chemicals have no chance to dissipate – it’s as if the body and mind are in constant danger. Resources are diverted away from the much-needed tasks of repair and growth, leaving us vulnerable to infection, wear and tear.

            Often, we refuse to acknowledge stress because we believe that the problems are insurmountable, says Noreen Tehrani. Frozen like a rabbit caught in headlights, unable to fight or flee, imagination deserts us. The mind runs on old patterns that might have worked in the past and we can’t think of alternatives. But stress can be dealt with – provided you recognize the symptoms and are prepared to take steps before it’s too late.

            How to handle stress

The explanation we have of ourselves – ‘I must be’ / ‘I should’ – can be unrealistic and too demanding. A small shift of attitude may be all that’s needed, says Noreen Tehrani; it’s the difference between ‘I’ll never be perfect’ and ‘I’d like to get things right, but if I don’t I’m not hopeless.’

            ‘If you stop assuming you have to be in control of everything, your behaviour will be different,’ she says. Equally, changing your behaviour (taking a walk or going away for a relaxing weekend) can affect your thinking and your feelings. Just as changing your feelings can affect your thinking and the way you behave. The three are interconnected, she says, rather like a roundabout that you hop on at a suitable point. The most important thing, according to Noreen, is to recognise that things aren’t right. Once you say, ‘I’m not happy, I’m not the sort of person I want to be, ‘you’re halfway there. Ask yourself how many of the pressures in your life are real and how many are self-imposed. Just because you’ve always made the effort to make home-made muesli doesn’t mean you can’t start buying it from the supermarket. Think, ‘While I’m going through this bad period, shouldn’t I save myself for the things that really matter?’