hi,my name is Suzanne.I needed to touch basis with people who have had similar
childhoods as I know they will understand whats happening to me.Two years ago my
mother suffered a stroke and my sister moved in to care for her but,instead took
care of herself and her two sons.My sisters oldest son had been telling me that
he didn't know the money that his mother was sending him was my mothers money.I
found out about a week ago that he did in fact know and so I am devastated by
this.You see,I have a daughter in ny where my mother and sister live and she
contacted me to tell me there was abuse going on.I contacted the police and
Adult protection got involved but,couldn't do anything to help my mother because
she wouldn't tell them anything so for 6 months I had to act like I was ok with
my sister for fear she would stop me from any contact with my mother.Meanwhile,
I got to hear all the horror stories of what my sister was doing to her..My mom
told me one day that my sister told her she was doing this to her to pay her
back for everything she did to us.I really didn't like being included in that
payback because my mom doesn't even have to say she is sorry because she is also
an abused child and so was my father.My sister not only spent up practically my
mothers whole life savings but,hadn't been paying the life insurance policy and
I was wondering how they planned to bury my mom.In May I flew to ny and my
mother at 86 years old walked into family court and got a temporay restraining
order right before I flew back home we went to the bank and put all the accounts
back in her name .My mom opened a joint account when my sister moved in.My mom
is now safely tucked away in a nursing home and I chat with her every day.The
reason I am here is because what has transpired in the last ten months has
triggered the emotions pain lonliness of my childhood.I have had tons of
theraphy so,I have no problem talking about my childhood.I am not ashamed in the
least about what happened to me.I was raised in a family of alcoholics.Had tons
of beatings and watched my father beat my mother.My father used to bring strange
men home that he would meet in the bar and let them sleep with me and my
sister.I believe I was raped as a child because when I think about it I get very
emotional.I know my father did things to me when he was drunk.I was maybe 10
years old and he made me sit on his lap and he was kissing my mouth and
slobbering on my mouth.I remember I wanted to get away from him but,was too
afraid to tell him for fear he would get angry with me so,I remember I waited
till he was done with me and I went to my room and went behind the door so he
wouldn't see my wipe his saliva off my mouth.That memory was repressed for many
years.It came back to me when I was in psycotheraphy.I called my mother to ask
her if dad ever gave my sister and I any attention and she said only when he was
drunk,so it validated what I remembered.There is so much to tell so this is a
small part as to why I am here.I am in alot of emotional pain and need the
groups support.I know the meaning behind that void that peeps always talk about
that they fill with the wrong things.been there done that and it can't be filled
that way.I don't try to fill it with men anymore or drugs.been alone for 11
years no more interest in men.I am 55 years old and know enough about myself to
know when I need people.I have become a loner and am also an atheist.It's
funny,I went to a website about abused children that are adults and it said
adults that have been abused usually don't believe in god..Well,I wonder why?
hmmm...No one helped me when I was young .There was noone there to feel
safe.There was noone there to talked to.Lots of yelling lots of violence.How do
I stop it from haunting me.It's everywhere please help me.............

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