Children and domestic violence
How will my children be affected by the violence?

If you have children, you have probably tried to shield them from the domestic
violence as much as you possibly can. Perhaps you are hoping they do not know it
is happening. However, in the majority of families where there are children, and
where abuse is being perpetrated, the children will be aware of this, and will
often hear it or see it going on. According to the Department of Health, at
least 50,000 children a year witness domestic violence. In some cases, the
children themselves will suffer physical or sexual abuse from the same
perpetrator. See When children are being abused.

Children can witness domestic violence in a variety of ways. For example, they
may be in the same room and may get caught in the middle of an incident, perhaps
in an effort to make the violence stop; they may be in another room but be able
to hear the abuse or see their mother's physical injuries following an incident
of violence; or they may be forced to take part in verbally abusing the victim.
Children are completely dependent on the adults around them, and if they do not
feel safe in their own homes, this can have many negative physical and emotional
effects. All children witnessing domestic violence are being emotionally abused,
and this is now recognised as 'significant harm' in recent legislation (1).

Children will react in different ways to being brought up in a home with a
violent person. Age, race, sex, culture, stage of development, and individual
personality will all have an effect on a child's responses. Most children,
however, will be affected in some way by tension or by witnessing arguments,
distressing behaviour or assaults - even if they do not always show this. They
may feel that they are to blame, or - like you - they may feel angry, guilty,
insecure, alone, frightened, powerless, or confused. They may have ambivalent
feelings, both towards the abuser, and towards the non-abusing parent.
These are some of the effects of domestic violence on children:
a.. They may become anxious or depressed.
b.. They may have difficulty sleeping.
c.. They may have nightmares or flashbacks.
d.. They may complain of physical symptoms such as tummy aches.
e.. They may start to wet their bed.
f.. They may have temper tantrums.
g.. They may behave as though they are much younger than they are.
h.. They may have problems at school, or may start truanting.
i.. They may become aggressive.
j.. They may internalise their distress and withdraw from other people.
k.. They may have a lowered sense of self-worth.
l.. Older children may start to use alcohol or drugs.
m.. They may begin to self-harm by taking overdoses or cutting themselves.
n.. They may develop an eating disorder.
Violence may also interfere with your children's social relationships: they may
feel unable to invite friends round (or may be prevented from doing so by the
abuser) out of shame, fear, or concern about what their friends may see. They
may feel guilty, and think the violence is their fault, or that they ought to be
able to stop it in some way. There can be an impact on school attendance and
achievement: some children will stay home in an attempt to protect their mother,
or because they are frightened what may happen if they go out. Worry, disturbed
sleep and lack of concentration can all affect school work.

You may feel that you will be blamed for failing as a parent, or for asking for
help, and you may worry that your children will be taken away from you if you
report the violence. But it is acting responsibly to seek help for yourself and
your children, and you are never to blame for someone else's abuse. It is
important that you - the non-abusing parent - are supported so that in turn you
can support your children and ensure that they are safe, and that the effects of
witnessing (and perhaps directly experiencing) the violence are addressed.

When children are being abused

Research has consistently shown that a high proportion of children living with
domestic violence are themselves being abused - either physically or sexually -
by the same perpetrator. Estimates vary from 30% to 66% depending upon the
study. Nearly three-quarters of children on the 'at risk' register live in
households where domestic violence is occurring. (Department of Health figures;
see References.)

Men who are abusive to women do not necessarily abuse children too, but some of
them do. If you suspect that this is happening, or that it has happened, it is
important that you raise this issue with your children and take steps to protect
them, for example, by seeking advice from Women's Aid or another domestic
violence organisation, or from social services or other agencies that are there
to assist and protect children. Social workers will not take your children away
if they can work with you to make sure they are safe.
If your child, or a child you know, tells you that he/she has been abused, your
immediate response is very important:
a.. Listen carefully and let your child tell you what happened in his/her own
time.
b.. Reassure your child that he/she is not to blame for what happened (or is
happening).
c.. Let your child know he/she is very brave to tell you about it.
d.. Show your child that you are concerned for him/her.
e.. Try to stay calm and not let your child see how shocked you are.
If your child is at risk of further abuse (for example, if you are still living
with the perpetrator, or if your children have regular contact with him) then
you will need to take steps to protect him/her from further harm. You may want
to talk to your local Women's Aid organisation, or to the Freephone 24 Hour
National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, run in partnership between
Women's Aid and Refuge, to help you decide what you should do next.

How you can help your children

Some mothers and children use silence or denial to try to cope with the abuse.
But most children appreciate an opportunity to acknowledge the violence and to
talk about what they are feeling. Do talk to your children - and listen to them.
Try to be honest about the situation, without frightening them. Reassure them
that the violence is not their fault and that they are not responsible for adult
behaviour. Explain to them that violence is wrong and that it does not solve
problems. Remember, your children will naturally trust you - try not to break
that trust by directly lying to them.

Encourage your children to talk about their wishes and feelings. You could do
this perhaps by doing an activity together, or encouraging them to draw or write
about what is happening and how they feel about it. Your child's teacher may be
able to help you with this. Sometimes children will wait until they feel safe
and are no longer in the violent environment before they start to talk about
their feelings. You could suggest that your children look at the Women's Aid
website for children and young people, The Hideout:
http://www.thehideout.org.uk/. This website has information, activities, a quiz
and stories of children living with domestic violence.

You may believe it is best for your children if you try to keep the family
together in order to provide the security of a home and father - despite the
ongoing fear, and the emotional and physical abuse. However, children will feel
more secure with one parent in a stable environment than with two parents when
the environment is unstable and violent.

Moving into a refuge with your children

For reasons of safety, you may find it impossible to prepare your children in
advance for an imminent move to a refuge. However, as soon as you can do so
safely, do tell them what is happening. You could perhaps make this move less
threatening by saying that you are all going away for a little while to a
special place for mothers and children. Explain to your children that the move
does not mean that they will never see other family members, their friends or
their pets again.

Most refuges have children's support workers who will make your children feel
safe and at home in the refuge, and almost all refuges will have other children
staying there when you arrive. There will always be a playroom for children, and
the children's worker will arrange activities for young refuge residents both in
and away from the refuge. These children's activities will benefit you as well
as your children; you will have time to consider your own options and discuss
your plans with other adults while your children participate in supervised
activities.

Children are an important part of refuge life, and living in a refuge can be a
positive experience for your children. They will have the opportunity to meet
other children in a similar situation to their own. They can talk about their
experiences with each other and begin to understand that they are not alone.
With the help and support of the refuge staff and volunteers, children can be
helped to come to an understanding of their situation.

When children become aggressive

Sometimes one of your children may become aggressive or abusive towards you or
others in the family. Some women only experience domestic violence from their
sons. Others may be abused both by their partners and by their children - either
at the same time, or subsequently. Boys in particular may copy their father's
behaviour, or they may be afraid they will turn out like him. This may be a
temporary behavioural disturbance; but if it is ongoing, and particularly if
your child is a teenager (or older), you may need to do something to protect
yourself and other children in the family.

You may decide to contact Social Services. If your child is over 16, you have
the right to evict them from your home - and it is Social Services'
responsibility to carry out a needs assessment under the Children Act 1989. If
they refuse to help, try to get this in writing. You can also contact the
Children's Legal Centre at www.childrenslegalcentre.com or email:
clc@....

If your child is abusive towards you, it is not your fault, nor should you feel
guilty about taking steps to protect yourself and your family. Remember that a
severely aggressive or abusive child can have a negative effect on the other
children in the family.

For further advice if you are experiencing abuse or violence from one of your
children, contact the Tulip Group on 0151 637 6363.

Further information and help with your children

Whether or not you and your children move into a refuge, you could call the
NSPCC National Child Protection Helpline on 0808 800 5000; or you may want to
talk to your health visitor, or other health care professional. If you are
pregnant, you may want to talk to your midwife.

Other organisations that you may find helpful include:

Parentline Plus: A registered charity, Parentline Plus provides support to
parents under stress and refers to sources of local support. The website
contains information on a wide variety of topics of common concern to parents,
and it has a number of information leaflets which can be downloaded free of
charge. Freephone helpline: 0808 800 2222, 24 hours every day. Website:
www.parentlineplus.org.uk

Family Rights Group: The Family Rights Group gives confidential advice for
families whose children are involved with Social Services. The group has a
number of information leaflets available on its website, and it offers an
advocacy service for parents. Freephone 0808 731 1696 Monday - Friday 10am - 12
noon and 1:30pm - 3:30pm. Email: advice@.... Website: www.frg.org.uk

Mind produces a useful booklet, 'How to parent when you're in crisis'. You can
print a copy from the website or buy it from the online shop. Website:
www.mind.org.uk

Young Minds Parents' information service: Provides help for parents concerned
about a young person's mental health. The service offers a variety of leaflets
and booklets, including one that explores how divorce and separation affect
children and young people. Phone: 0800 018 2138 Monday - Friday 10am - 1pm;
Tuesday and Thursday 1pm - 4pm; Wednesday 1pm - 4pm and 6pm - 8pm. Website:
www.youngminds.org.uk

You could suggest your children ring Childline on 0800 1111, or they could look
at the Women's Aid website for children and young people, The Hideout:
www.thehideout.org.uk

A guide for educational professionals has been produced by Save the Children in
conjunction with local Women's Aid services. Safe Learning (2006, price £9-95)
offers an insight into children's experiences of domestic violence and how these
may affect their learning, and makes suggestions as to how educational
professionals could respond in order to support children and minimise any
disruption to their education.


See also Useful links page. Areas that may be of particular interest are
children, families and parenting and young people

References

Department of Health (2002) 'Women's Mental Health: Into the Mainstream:
Strategic development of mental health care for women' (London: DH).
Mullender, A. and Morley, R. 'Children living with domestic violence' (London:
Whiting and Birch).
Royal College of Psychiatrists (2004) 'Mental health and growing up, 3rd
edition: Domestic violence: Its effects on children' (available from
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/info/young.htm).

Notes

1. Section 120 of the Children and Adoption Act 2002, which came into effect on
31 January 2005.

Return to The Survivor's Handbook contents page.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000\
100010008000100380001&sectionTitle=Children+and+domestic+violence

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