From: andre cramblit - Thank you

Subject: Ending The Cycle (abuse)



Ending the cycle of violence in Indian Country By Alyssa Kelly

Kim Azure, of Tribal Mental Health, has a theory about the prevalence of
violence in Native communities: "Violence is a way of life in the Native
community and it began during colonization." Throughout documented
history, nearly every hardship Natives have faced was extremely violent
and traumatic. From abuse, (on all levels) to survival of genocide,
present-day Natives are still feeling the aftershock of what happened to
their ancestors. As a result, what are the new hardships we as a people
face to overcome? It's mental barriers caused by a cycle of abuse and it
is possible to rise-above.

The following are help tips in protection from abuse according to
www.helpguide.org : .Take all threats seriously, .Contact a domestic
violence hotline to plan for your safe future. People who are staffing
the phones or email can advise you on how to protect yourself, refer you
to other services and shelters, and inform you about local laws and
restraining orders, .Develop a safety plan that specifies who will be
with you when you need companionship and protection. Also plan for
safety in your workplace or at your school, .Call people who are
willing to help you and tell them how they can help to protect you now
and in the future, .If you have been abused in front of others, ask
witnesses to write down what they saw, .Contact the police if your
abuser has broken a law, or even if you just think they might have
broken a law. Assaulting you or stealing or destroying your property is
a crime, .Consider getting a restraining order or protective order to
keep your spouse or intimate partner away from you, .Learn self-defense
to protect yourself. Domestic violence is a very serious epidemic in
Indian country and it not only affects the families involved but the
Native community as a whole. According to the Indian Country Child
Trauma Center, demographically speaking, Native Americans have a higher
rate of domestic violence in comparison to other ethnic groups in the
U.S; however, there is hope. According to the same studies, it was
concluded that Native Americans have a higher success rate in response
to counseling and overcoming domestic violence. A big support of the
success rate was a result of being re-introduced to Native culture and
values.

Despite the current conditions, violence against women is not a
traditional value amongst Native people. "Pre-colonization women in the
tribe were respected as equals to the men, if not more valued for their
ability to create life," says Susie Coughren, an elder and program
manager of the local Crime Victim's Advocate program. With the
introduction of English customs came the theory that women were of less
value in comparison men. According to a report called "The Historical
Perspective," a man named Sir William Blackstone wrote the "Commentaries
on the Laws of England," which had great influence on early American
colonies. He saw nothing wrong with the laws, which allowed a man to
chastise his wife. In fact, he found the laws to be "quite moderate."

According to the same report, in the 1870's women were finally
recognized as human beings with certain rights and in North Carolina,
the Rule of Thumb was created. The Rule of Thumb declared that men could
beat their wives, but the switch they used to do it could be no bigger
than their thumb. The courts made it clear that if the beatings
inflicted did not cause permanent damage to the women, their complaints
would be considered trivial and it would be better for them to hide the
abuse from the public. "This attitude still prevails among many people
today."

On the Flathead reservation, 1 in 10 people are either victims of
domestic abuse, abusers themselves, or witnesses to abuse. The following
story is from a local native. (Names have been changed for privacy
reasons)

A Woman's Worth:

Stacy grew up in a violent environment where her father was abusive
towards her mother as well as another girlfriend. "With my mom, I think
he almost killed her. His ex-girlfriend though, she held her own and
would fight back. All the time that this was going on I remember
thinking: I'll never be with a man that hits me," she recalls.

Stacy was raised in a traditional upbringing and was a strong, popular
young woman with dreams of going to college. People in the community
respected her because she was very outspoken. She met her boyfriend when
she was thirteen years old and like her, he too was popular and
respected in the community. Then, at the age of seventeen, Stacy became
pregnant. "Everyone was surprised that I was pregnant. People that knew
me would come up to me and say things like: I didn't even know you were
having sex. But it wasn't like we (her boyfriend and herself) were just
having a good time and I got pregnant. He said that if I loved him, I
would have his baby."

Only three months into her pregnancy, the abuse began. Stacy's boyfriend
held her down on a bed and continuously hit her across the face so hard
it left a hand-imprints and goose bumps. "I bit him on his side as hard
as I could so that I could get away from him. I left him for about a
week after that happened," she recalls.

In comparison to other teenage girls Stacy grew into a woman quite soon,
with the birth of her son Verle. She got her own home and began her
family with her boyfriend but the abuse didn't end. "When I had my baby,
in my beliefs, my son is my mate for life. I did everything I was taught
a woman should do. I took care of my home, I cooked, and I took care of
my family; but he still didn't change. He just got more possessive."
Stacy continued being abused and eventually she heard he was unfaithful.
Despite the mistreatment, she held on for the sake of not wanting to be
a single parent at the age of seventeen and through it all, she hid it
from her family and friends.

Because of the infidelity, Stacy didn't like her boyfriend touching her.
"Sometimes when we were having sex, I would just cry and wish it to be
over with." People in the community thought Stacy to be a young naive
girl; sitting at home alone while her boyfriend cheated. "They had no
idea what I was really going through."

"I don't blame only him for his cheating. I really didn't know how to
show love the way that he wanted it. I didn't hug him all the time or
kiss him when he got home and I guess that was what he was looking for
in those other women. I didn't know how to love. I didn't come from an
affectionate family and I didn't know how to express love in that way. I
was raised harshly, like whatever my parents said I did. I expressed my
love for him through keeping a good home and raising our baby," Stacy
said.

As time went on the abuse had gotten worse along with his possessive
behavior. "You know, I really don't now why I let myself live like that.
He got to the point where I wasn't allowed to see my family anymore. I
say allowed because I had to ask to go anywhere or see anyone," Stacy
recalls. He later began beating her publicly. "He used to jerk me by my
hair all the time. Once I was choked out for someone else asking me why
I stayed with him. It got to the point where I just asked people: please
don't talk to me or look at me anymore in front of him."

By the age of twenty-one, the abuse inflicted on Stacy had escalated to
him fighting her like she was a man. "I had a black eye for a whole year
once because he cracked my cheek-bone. I told people I got elbowed while
playing ball." At one point he even pulled a gun on her. "During that
time, I remember praying a lot," Stacy recalls.

All the while, Stacy's then "mother in-law" was a very skilled domestic
violence caseworker. "His mother and I were very close, but I would
never let her call the cops on him or anything like that because I knew
I was going to stay. I didn't want to make a big fuss and have everyone
knowing my business over nothing."

"I would always ask my mom why? Why is he doing this? I did all the
things I thought a woman should do. No matter what I did, I couldn't get
satisfaction. My mom told me, "You'll never get it." I thought I did all
the things a woman should do and I was wrong. I remember thinking of my
ex, 'How could you beat me and then say that you love me?" Stacy said.

She finally hit her breaking point one night when her boyfriend came
home from the bar and accused her of cheating; another fight erupted.
Ironically, in the middle of the fight Stacy's brother happened to call
and after a conversation with him, she was convinced her to take the
baby and leave. "At that moment, I realized that every time he was hurt
or crying, my heart would break. But he'd beat me and make me cry and
not give a **** about it. It was like a breath of fresh air when I
left."

During the separation, they shared custody of their son Verle, who was
then three years old. "I had to let him take my son for four weeks at a
time and I had never been away from my son before. It was depressing and
that's when I became an alcoholic. Sometimes I would drink the whole
four weeks that he was away from me," Stacy recalls.

A while after the final separation, Stacy received a call from her ex
while she was staying with her mother. "He just kept saying, 'I'm going
to ******* kill myself.' And that really made me freak out. He had told
me that a lot of times before but I really believed him this time and I
didn't want to be responsible for that." Stacy began to cry hysterically
and reconsidered her plans on leaving, but before she had a chance to
say she would go back, her mother hung up the phone on their
conversation. "My mom told me, 'He's not really going to do it. If he
were really going to do it he wouldn't have called. He's just trying to
make you feel bad so you'll go back.' So I stayed off the phone with him
for the rest of the day. The next time we did talk on the phone, he was
being a jerk all over again. So my mom was right."

Stacy's first year away from her ex was the hardest. "I had really low
self-esteem and at that point I thought independence was scary and I
didn't think I was able to do it. He didn't like me working when I was
with him and I didn't really know what to do with myself. But it had
gotten to the point where I know that if I didn't leave him, I was going
to end up killing him." Stacy grew into a deep state of bitterness to
where she was very hateful, especially towards men. "I used bitterness
and alcohol to get me through that first year."

One night while partying, Stacy ran into a good friend of hers that
she'd known for a long time and he talked her through all of her issues
that stuck with her long after the relationship was over. "I truly think
the creator put him there to help me. He was able to convince me that
not all men were jerks." It was after that that Stacy was able to
completely move on with her life. She began thinking about the dreams of
college she put aside when she met her ex and all the things that she
wanted to do with her life.

Stacy gained full custody of her son and began her new life on a new
reservation. "Right away, my dad and my brother wanted to marry me off.
My brother's pick was a younger man and I really didn't want to give him
a chance because he was so young. But I know that my brother doesn't
like too many men and if he does like this guy, he must be ok, and
that's why I gave him a chance." Stacy began spending time with this new
man and right away she saw that he was different. "I would be trying to
take him to come and drink with me and he would say, 'Go ahead, but I
don't really like drinking. I just want to spend time with you. You can
go ahead and go party if you want though, I'll do my own thing.' Then, I
noticed that he wouldn't be mad over things that I expected him to be.
If we had a problem, or a fight, I wouldn't get in trouble for
questioning him or having an opinion," she says.

Stacy went on to have a child with her new boyfriend and he asked her to
marry him. She was hesitant but she cared for him so much she didn't
want to hurt him, and so she agreed. "When my grandma found out I was
getting married she was very bitter about all of it and told me not to
do it. In our beliefs, if you have a baby with someone, there is a bond
to that person. She told me to go back to my ex and work it out. In her
eyes having a new baby with someone else was wrong. I told her, 'I'm
sorry grandma but look at you. You're so bitter for loving grandpa all
these years and I don't want to be like that. Would you want me to get
beat and possibly killed with my ex or move on and be happy?' Eventually
Stacy's grandma came around to loving her husband.

Stacy's new relationship has been through some problems and a lot of
them were a result of insecurities that haunt her from her past. "It
took a long time for me to trust my husband. Even though he's good to me
I still feel fearful and at times I get insecure. Afterwards I apologize
and let him know that it's my own issues and I'm still dealing with
them. There were times in our fights when my husband would tell me, 'I'm
not you're ex."

Stacy's husband helped her overcome a big portion of insecurities and he
taught her to love. "A major difference in my relationship compared to
before is the way we work out our problems. When we're upset with each
other we can be in the same house all day and not say one word to each
other. We'll stay in separate rooms until we're ready to talk.
Communication is a very important part of any relationship and that's
what I've learned to do from my relationship with my husband."

One day Stacy's son Verle was on the phone with his father and he asked
to talk to Stacy. She was very hesitant because they only spoke when
needed. "He actually said that he was truly sorry for what he had done
and he was too young to have relationship when we were together. He told
me he always thought I was a good woman. At that point it was like my
heart had been fully mended from the past."

Today, Stacy is very successful in her career and has a good family. "It
feels good to have my own home, raise my own kids, and have my own
career."

For a final thought to women that are in the situation she was in, Stacy
offers the following: " I want them to ask themselves where do you see
yourself? What do you want to do with your life? How will you take care
of yourself? The number one thing you need to be worrying about is
yourself. No one else will make things better for you or take care of
you the way you can. There are too many women allowing this to happen to
themselves."

If you are in an abusive relationship and you want out, contact the
Crime Victim's Advocate Program on further advice as well as protection.
You can contact their program through the toll free number: 1 (877)
231-5172, the CVA office: 675-2700 (extension: 1180), or evenings at:
675-4700.


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