Hello- and thank you for accepting me to your group - I have been
through all kinds of therapy - So I don't understand why I feel frozen
and my tears fall in any situation latley - Thank you Pattijo
--- In adult_children_of_child_abuse@yahoogroups.com, "Brigitte
Thimiakis" <thimiakischool@...> wrote:
>
>
http://www.cardiff.ac.uk/schoolsanddivisions/divisions/stude/cllng/info/\
schsa.html
>
>
> Surviving childhood sexual abuse
>
> Contents:
> Introduction
> Examples of Sexual Abuse
> The Victim's Experience at the Time of Abuse
> The Survivor's Experiences in Later Life
> Helping Yourself
> Further Help
>
> Introduction
> The term sexual abuse most commonly refers to the involvement of a
young person below the age of sixteen in sexual activity with a
significantly older person. It is referred to as abuse since it is
assumed in our society that the older person must by definition be
taking advantage of the younger one since a person under sixteen cannot
give informed consent to sexual activity. Usually the victim of the
abuse cannot understand fully the implications of what is happening at
the time; therefore although he or she may appear to consent to the
activity, the consent is not truly informed. Although the abuser may
also be young, there is usually a significant age difference and
difference of status between the parties which puts the abuser in a
position of power. This power difference means that even where there is
apparent acquiescence, this is usually based on fear of the consequences
of refusal and so is not true consent.
>
> The term sexual abuse may also be applied when one person uses the
power they have over another adult - usually because they are in a
position of trust or influence - to take advantage sexually.
>
> Sexual abuse can be an isolated or a recurrent event. The activities
involved can range from inappropriate touching to sexual penetration.
The abuse can be disguised as play or it may be a more overt assault.
The abuser may be a relative, an acquaintance or a stranger. While the
abuse is often frightening and traumatic at the time it occurs, some
feelings may not fully impact until a later date when the occurrence is
better understood.
>
> The information here is mainly about the effect on students of having
been a victim of sexual abuse when they were younger. However, we hope
that those who have experienced abuse in other situations will find this
information helpful.
>
> Commonly those who are currently experiencing abuse are referred to as
victims of sexual abuse; those whose experience of abuse is in the past
are referred to as (adult) survivors of sexual abuse.
>
> Back to top
>
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>
> Examples of Sexual Abuse
>
> A girl who was sexually abused by her father until her teens when she
eventually reported what was happening with the result that her father
was tried and imprisoned.
>
> A boy who was abused by his football coach and thought he was alone
with the experience until a number of boys reported being similarly
abused several years later.
>
> A young girl whose teenage step-brother used to play games with her at
an early age which she realised when she reached puberty had been
sexually intrusive.
>
> A boy who was regularly abused by a trusted uncle and aunt with whom
he was often sent to stay. This abuse took place over a number of years
during which he was unable to say why he did not wish to visit these
relatives.
>
> Two sisters who both suffered abuse at the hands of a grandfather but
who never spoke about it until many years later.
>
> The experience of abuse is not restricted to one sex and indeed
abusers are not invariably male. Most recent estimates in Britain
suggest at least 10% of children suffer sexual abuse at some time, with
two thirds of the victims being girls. In over 90% of the cases the
perpetrator of the abuse is male.
>
> Back to top
>
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>
> The Victim's Experience at the Time of Abuse
>
> Victims report feeling very alone with the experience of abuse. Often
they are afraid of telling, because of fear of retribution or the
consequences for the family.
> Victims frequently feel they will not be believed or taken seriously
if they tell of what has happened, and this fear can be confirmed when
they do try to raise the matter.
> Victims frequently feel guilty. The abuser may suggest they are to
blame for the abuse or they may take responsibility upon themselves.
Children naturally tend to assume responsibility for events that are not
of their making, and this is particularly true in the case of abuse. The
guilt is increased if the child has found any aspect of the abuse
gratifying.
> Victims commonly report feeling extremely scared and confused by the
abusive experience.
>
> Back to top
>
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>
> The Survivor's Experiences in Later Life
>
> Sometimes the experience of abuse appears to be wholly or partially
forgotten for some years while the survivor continues with their life.
Memories may resurface however when the person is settled in a safe
environment, or may be triggered by specific events such as beginning a
sexual relationship or becoming a parent.
>
> The memories can bring intense feelings and experiences:
>
> a.. Flashbacks and nightmares.
> b.. Recollections of the abusive experience may intrude into the
waking thoughts or may recur in dreams.
> c.. Shame and guilt. The survivor may blame themselves; may suffer
from low self-esteem or may feel deeply embarrassed about seeking help.
They may become depressed, harm themselves and have thoughts of suicide.
> d.. Intense anger. This may be directed at the abuser, and may be
linked with a wish to confront or to completely avoid them. It may also
be directed at others who seem to have colluded with the abuse or may be
more general.
> e.. Disrupted relational patterns. Some survivors find they tend to
avoid intimate relationships and are distrustful of the motives of all
other people. Others may find they tend to form very intense intimate
relationships which can be emotionally draining
> Fear of the consequences of the abuse. Survivors may wonder whether
they will be able to form normal relationships or whether they might
become abusers themselves. There may be difficulties in enjoying normal
sexual activities.
> f.. Isolation and stigmatisation. Survivors may feel they are totally
alone with their experience. They can feel that they have been marked
out and that somehow others know of their history without being told and
so treat them differently.
> As with human response to any trauma, the degree of the reaction can
vary widely between individuals. Some people apparently come to terms
with very severe abuse comparatively easily; others find the abuse has a
lasting effect on them. Neither of these responses is more correct or
more healthy than the other.
>
> Back to top
>
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>
> Helping Yourself
>
> Try not to blame yourself
> No matter what the circumstances of the sexual abuse of a child, it is
never the fault or responsibility of that child. Even if you are aware
that there was some degree of collusion or you feel in hindsight that
you wish you had been able to act differently, this does not lessen the
absolute truth that is the duty of adults to care for children and
protect them from exploitation. Some survivors find it helpful to
observe children who are the same age that they were when the abuse took
place in order to underline for them how great the power difference
between adults and children really is and how easy it is for an older
person to manipulate the trust, innocence and vulnerability of a child.
>
> Take care of yourself now
> The fact that something bad has been done to you is not a reason to
deny yourself pleasure, or to punish yourself. It is in fact a reason to
care for yourself. If you can learn to treat your body with respect and
kindness, you will help the healing process. Therefore look for simple
ways to show care for yourself and kindness to your body. If you find
you are tempted to harm yourself - for example by starving or
overindulging, by cutting yourself or even by attempting suicide - seek
help and support so that you can begin to bring this behaviour under
control. Find appropriate outlets for your feelings
>
> If you have been abused you have a perfectly good reason to be very
angry and full of grief. It can be hard to know what to do with these
feelings. It may not be possible or helpful to express them to the
person responsible. Even if you do, he or she may well fail to accept
responsibility. Feelings can be helped by finding others who will listen
to your story sympathetically and help you express yourself. Writing
down what you feel can help - many survivors find it helpful to write
down their feelings in the form of a letter - you don't have to send it.
Many activities can help relieve pent up feelings of anger - exercise,
sport, or simply going somewhere private or noisy and shouting. Grief
can be relieved by allowing time to reflect and by expressing the
sadness. You may fear that once you allow these feelings to emerge they
may take you over. This is a natural fear; however in fact the opposite
tends to be the case - once a feeling is allowed adequate expression it
becomes more easy to control.
>
> Try and find both support and privacy
> Abuse can be a profoundly isolating experience. Even when you do speak
about it, people may either dismiss what you tell them or they may
over-react. However as is now recognised, abuse is an all too common
experience, so you are certainly not alone in what you have suffered.
There are now many agencies which will offer appropriate support and
have much expertise in helping survivors heal themselves. We list some
below.
>
> Some people have the opposite experience and find that the abuse which
has happened to them has become common knowledge, and as a result feel
that their privacy has been invaded. Remember - you only need to tell
the people who you want to tell and it is up to you to decide how much
you want to tell them. Certainly no-one will be able to guess what has
happened to you if you decide not to tell them and no-one has the right
to force their opinions or their advice on you.
>
> Do not despair
> Human beings are remarkably resilient and have a vast capacity for
healing themselves. You may well feel that you have been irreversible
damaged emotionally or even physically; that you may not ever be able to
form a functioning relationships or have an enjoyable sex-life; that you
will never recover. However this is not likely to be the case. Although
you can never change your history, with time and care you can make sense
of what has happened to you and can minimise the negative effects.
>
> Back to top
>
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>
> Further Help
>
> If you have been abused as a child, you might want help to make sense
of your feelings and worries. This may be even more true if the abuse is
continuing.
>
> It can be very difficult to trust someone with something as personal
as this and may require a lot of courage. It may be easier to share your
feelings with a stranger rather than a friend.
>
> Professional counselling agencies such as the Counselling Service
employ counsellors who are trained to work with the effects of child
sexual abuse and who will not be shocked or embarrassed by anything you
may tell them. Your preference for a male or female counsellor will be
respected.
>
> There are also many self-help groups where survivors of abuse share
their experience in safety and learn to deal with the resulting
emotions. Some initial contact addresses are listed below.
>
> You will know when you are ready to read a book, join a group or talk
to someone alone. Trust your instinct and seek help when the time is
right for you.
>
> Books:
>
> I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - M. Angelou - Virago
> My Father's House - S Fraser - Virago
> Personal accounts which survivors have found helpful
>
> The Courage to Heal - Bass and Davis - Harper and Row
> One of the most well-known books about childhood sexual abuse which
many have found useful. However, it has been criticised (in light of the
false memory debate) for treating many everyday personality traits as
thought they were clear evidence of past abuse.
>
> Helplines
>
> The following agencies maintain lists of survivors groups and other
sources of help
>
> Samaritans 0345 909090
> NSPCC 0800 800500
> Rape Crisis 020 737 1600
> Childline 020 739 1000
>
>
> Back to top
>
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> This page is copyright Royal Holloway, University of London 1988
>
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