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Surviving childhood sexual abuse

Contents:
Introduction
Examples of Sexual Abuse
The Victim's Experience at the Time of Abuse
The Survivor's Experiences in Later Life
Helping Yourself
Further Help

Introduction
The term sexual abuse most commonly refers to the involvement of a young person
below the age of sixteen in sexual activity with a significantly older person.
It is referred to as abuse since it is assumed in our society that the older
person must by definition be taking advantage of the younger one since a person
under sixteen cannot give informed consent to sexual activity. Usually the
victim of the abuse cannot understand fully the implications of what is
happening at the time; therefore although he or she may appear to consent to the
activity, the consent is not truly informed. Although the abuser may also be
young, there is usually a significant age difference and difference of status
between the parties which puts the abuser in a position of power. This power
difference means that even where there is apparent acquiescence, this is usually
based on fear of the consequences of refusal and so is not true consent.

The term sexual abuse may also be applied when one person uses the power they
have over another adult - usually because they are in a position of trust or
influence - to take advantage sexually.

Sexual abuse can be an isolated or a recurrent event. The activities involved
can range from inappropriate touching to sexual penetration. The abuse can be
disguised as play or it may be a more overt assault. The abuser may be a
relative, an acquaintance or a stranger. While the abuse is often frightening
and traumatic at the time it occurs, some feelings may not fully impact until a
later date when the occurrence is better understood.

The information here is mainly about the effect on students of having been a
victim of sexual abuse when they were younger. However, we hope that those who
have experienced abuse in other situations will find this information helpful.

Commonly those who are currently experiencing abuse are referred to as victims
of sexual abuse; those whose experience of abuse is in the past are referred to
as (adult) survivors of sexual abuse.

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Examples of Sexual Abuse

A girl who was sexually abused by her father until her teens when she eventually
reported what was happening with the result that her father was tried and
imprisoned.

A boy who was abused by his football coach and thought he was alone with the
experience until a number of boys reported being similarly abused several years
later.

A young girl whose teenage step-brother used to play games with her at an early
age which she realised when she reached puberty had been sexually intrusive.

A boy who was regularly abused by a trusted uncle and aunt with whom he was
often sent to stay. This abuse took place over a number of years during which he
was unable to say why he did not wish to visit these relatives.

Two sisters who both suffered abuse at the hands of a grandfather but who never
spoke about it until many years later.

The experience of abuse is not restricted to one sex and indeed abusers are not
invariably male. Most recent estimates in Britain suggest at least 10% of
children suffer sexual abuse at some time, with two thirds of the victims being
girls. In over 90% of the cases the perpetrator of the abuse is male.

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The Victim's Experience at the Time of Abuse

Victims report feeling very alone with the experience of abuse. Often they are
afraid of telling, because of fear of retribution or the consequences for the
family.
Victims frequently feel they will not be believed or taken seriously if they
tell of what has happened, and this fear can be confirmed when they do try to
raise the matter.
Victims frequently feel guilty. The abuser may suggest they are to blame for the
abuse or they may take responsibility upon themselves. Children naturally tend
to assume responsibility for events that are not of their making, and this is
particularly true in the case of abuse. The guilt is increased if the child has
found any aspect of the abuse gratifying.
Victims commonly report feeling extremely scared and confused by the abusive
experience.

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The Survivor's Experiences in Later Life

Sometimes the experience of abuse appears to be wholly or partially forgotten
for some years while the survivor continues with their life. Memories may
resurface however when the person is settled in a safe environment, or may be
triggered by specific events such as beginning a sexual relationship or becoming
a parent.

The memories can bring intense feelings and experiences:

a.. Flashbacks and nightmares.
b.. Recollections of the abusive experience may intrude into the waking
thoughts or may recur in dreams.
c.. Shame and guilt. The survivor may blame themselves; may suffer from low
self-esteem or may feel deeply embarrassed about seeking help. They may become
depressed, harm themselves and have thoughts of suicide.
d.. Intense anger. This may be directed at the abuser, and may be linked with
a wish to confront or to completely avoid them. It may also be directed at
others who seem to have colluded with the abuse or may be more general.
e.. Disrupted relational patterns. Some survivors find they tend to avoid
intimate relationships and are distrustful of the motives of all other people.
Others may find they tend to form very intense intimate relationships which can
be emotionally draining
Fear of the consequences of the abuse. Survivors may wonder whether they will
be able to form normal relationships or whether they might become abusers
themselves. There may be difficulties in enjoying normal sexual activities.
f.. Isolation and stigmatisation. Survivors may feel they are totally alone
with their experience. They can feel that they have been marked out and that
somehow others know of their history without being told and so treat them
differently.
As with human response to any trauma, the degree of the reaction can vary widely
between individuals. Some people apparently come to terms with very severe abuse
comparatively easily; others find the abuse has a lasting effect on them.
Neither of these responses is more correct or more healthy than the other.

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Helping Yourself

Try not to blame yourself
No matter what the circumstances of the sexual abuse of a child, it is never the
fault or responsibility of that child. Even if you are aware that there was some
degree of collusion or you feel in hindsight that you wish you had been able to
act differently, this does not lessen the absolute truth that is the duty of
adults to care for children and protect them from exploitation. Some survivors
find it helpful to observe children who are the same age that they were when the
abuse took place in order to underline for them how great the power difference
between adults and children really is and how easy it is for an older person to
manipulate the trust, innocence and vulnerability of a child.

Take care of yourself now
The fact that something bad has been done to you is not a reason to deny
yourself pleasure, or to punish yourself. It is in fact a reason to care for
yourself. If you can learn to treat your body with respect and kindness, you
will help the healing process. Therefore look for simple ways to show care for
yourself and kindness to your body. If you find you are tempted to harm yourself
- for example by starving or overindulging, by cutting yourself or even by
attempting suicide - seek help and support so that you can begin to bring this
behaviour under control. Find appropriate outlets for your feelings

If you have been abused you have a perfectly good reason to be very angry and
full of grief. It can be hard to know what to do with these feelings. It may not
be possible or helpful to express them to the person responsible. Even if you
do, he or she may well fail to accept responsibility. Feelings can be helped by
finding others who will listen to your story sympathetically and help you
express yourself. Writing down what you feel can help - many survivors find it
helpful to write down their feelings in the form of a letter - you don't have to
send it. Many activities can help relieve pent up feelings of anger - exercise,
sport, or simply going somewhere private or noisy and shouting. Grief can be
relieved by allowing time to reflect and by expressing the sadness. You may fear
that once you allow these feelings to emerge they may take you over. This is a
natural fear; however in fact the opposite tends to be the case - once a feeling
is allowed adequate expression it becomes more easy to control.

Try and find both support and privacy
Abuse can be a profoundly isolating experience. Even when you do speak about it,
people may either dismiss what you tell them or they may over-react. However as
is now recognised, abuse is an all too common experience, so you are certainly
not alone in what you have suffered. There are now many agencies which will
offer appropriate support and have much expertise in helping survivors heal
themselves. We list some below.

Some people have the opposite experience and find that the abuse which has
happened to them has become common knowledge, and as a result feel that their
privacy has been invaded. Remember - you only need to tell the people who you
want to tell and it is up to you to decide how much you want to tell them.
Certainly no-one will be able to guess what has happened to you if you decide
not to tell them and no-one has the right to force their opinions or their
advice on you.

Do not despair
Human beings are remarkably resilient and have a vast capacity for healing
themselves. You may well feel that you have been irreversible damaged
emotionally or even physically; that you may not ever be able to form a
functioning relationships or have an enjoyable sex-life; that you will never
recover. However this is not likely to be the case. Although you can never
change your history, with time and care you can make sense of what has happened
to you and can minimise the negative effects.

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Further Help

If you have been abused as a child, you might want help to make sense of your
feelings and worries. This may be even more true if the abuse is continuing.

It can be very difficult to trust someone with something as personal as this and
may require a lot of courage. It may be easier to share your feelings with a
stranger rather than a friend.

Professional counselling agencies such as the Counselling Service employ
counsellors who are trained to work with the effects of child sexual abuse and
who will not be shocked or embarrassed by anything you may tell them. Your
preference for a male or female counsellor will be respected.

There are also many self-help groups where survivors of abuse share their
experience in safety and learn to deal with the resulting emotions. Some initial
contact addresses are listed below.

You will know when you are ready to read a book, join a group or talk to someone
alone. Trust your instinct and seek help when the time is right for you.

Books:

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - M. Angelou - Virago
My Father's House - S Fraser - Virago
Personal accounts which survivors have found helpful

The Courage to Heal - Bass and Davis - Harper and Row
One of the most well-known books about childhood sexual abuse which many have
found useful. However, it has been criticised (in light of the false memory
debate) for treating many everyday personality traits as thought they were clear
evidence of past abuse.

Helplines

The following agencies maintain lists of survivors groups and other sources of
help

Samaritans 0345 909090
NSPCC 0800 800500
Rape Crisis 020 737 1600
Childline 020 739 1000


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This page is copyright Royal Holloway, University of London 1988

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