I wrote this 3 weeks after I had Paige. I was going through some terrible
postpartum depression. I am doing a lot better now. Just wanted to share.
Warning! It's rather graphic.

Labor

The pain is unreal. Sharp and strong. I am so scared. Closer and closer
the aches come. I am worn. I am torn. For what seems like an eternity I
bear down. I force and push my insides out. I can't do anymore but I can't
stop either. I yell and shake with no relief. It rips and burns. I cry.
No one can help me. Slowly this little life empties from my belly. The
life I have felt move but never met. I waited so long so anxiously for her
arrival. I push one last hard time and they holf up this little human body.
They try and hand her to me. I can't take it all in. I can barely
breathe. Shock and confusion fills my brain. I refused her. I am
pulsating and bleeding. She is mine and she needs me. But I feel like a
baby myself. I am not ready for her. Terror fills my soul. I need to be
mothered not to be a mother. But I am a mom now. It is unreal. She seems
unreal. It's unbelievable.

Love Christine

P.S. It took some time but I am adjusting now. And I adore my little
Paige. I truly do. But I still get very scared at times. I still feel
like a little girl myself who needs a mother. Maybe this is a product of
being motherless. But anyway, I will get through this.


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