I woke up feeling like crap. I had high anxiety. My stomach ached and my
back hurt. I did not feel well at all. I was sure I was going to collapse.
I was not going to do anything at all today. Caring for Paige and staying
calm was going to be all I could handle. This is what I was telling myself.

Well, around 5:30pm Paige was fussing alot. My belly felt better and I was
feeling that I should challenge myself a bit for recovery's sake. I put her
in the stroller and headed out the door in a state of high anxiety and
panic. I set a small path for myself. From one kiddy corner up and down.
It was hard but it was all I had to do. The first few times I got to the
corner was hard. I made myself stop there and feel the symptoms. I even
sat at it for awhile and breathed. I kept walking it. It did get easier.
Not easy, it was still hard, but easier. So I felt the need to challenge
myself further. I walked the long corner. And then I made it around the
block TWICE And that was a very BIG step for me. I felt so brave that I
walked out even further by 11 mile the busy street. I stopped at by
boyfriend's cousin's who is two blocks away for a visit with the baby. And
went home. All in all I walked for 45 minutes and visited at Tracy's
(Charles's cousin) for a half an hour. I walked home feeling much stronger
and braver than I have in awhile.

My dad then came over. We went out to eat. I was fine. Then I went in two
big department stores all alone while my dad waited in the car. And I went
in another one with my dad. I was looking for tights for Paige and
pantyhose for me. Paige's Baptism is Sunday. I was scared of it when I
woke up. But I am not anymore. I will have fun. Sunday will be a fun day.
The things I did were very hard today. I had panic attacks and felt very
bad at times. But I used determination and positive self-talk and pushed
on. I am proud of myself. I did not feel strong when I woke up and I could
have used it as an excuse to stay in and feel fear. But I challenged myself
and excelled my expectations. I hope I can feel this strong again. I hope
recovery is on it's way.

Love Christine
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