I just wanted to tell everyone where I have been. It helps to talk about
it. Last Friday night through Saturday afternoon I had lost it mentally.
As some of you know I have had an anxiety disorder for years and I have been
suffering from postpartum depression. I had been slowly going down daily
for weeks. When I started the paxil it made me sick, I think. Or maybe it
was just my anxiety making me sick. Nevertheless, I flipped, BAD. Friday
night, I sent the baby to her grandma's. I stayed up all nigh shaking and
vomiting. I paced the house all night. I screamed, I cried, I threw
things. I could not control my behavior or feelings at all. This led on
until Saturday. I could not sleep, eat, or function at all. I was
hysterical and was thinking of killing myself. I think the only reson that
I didn't was because I grew up motherless and knew I could not leave my
daughter to grow up that way. So instead, I had my uncle drive me to the
ER. I grabbed the doctor and shook her uncontrollably. I begged her for
help. I was totally out of control. It was so scary. I was so depressed
too. I had this deep sense of doom and hopelessness. I was a mess. The
hospital sent me to a crisis residential unit. It is like the mental
hospital but not as tough. It is for people to go and learn skills, start
meds, and be observed. I was there from Sunday morning until this
afternoon. I still feel depressed and anxious but I am trying to get
through this. I am holding control now. My baby is still not with me. I
will get her back tommorrow. But I did see her for awhile today. My
diagnosis was severe panic disorder and severe postpartum depression.
Borderline postpartum psychosis. I learned to reinforce and work on
cognitive skills. Such as self-talk, journaling, affirmations, relaxation,
and more. I have been working very hard all week. I was started on three
meds Monday, an anti-depressent (serzone), an anti-anxiety (ativan), and a
mood stabilizer (depakote) It will take a few weeks to really start
working. But it is kicking in very little already. I am feeling low right
now but I am trying to hold it together and think positive. This is so
hard. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to got through. I have
never felt this bad before. I almost feel as if I want to still be in the
hospital. Was I ready to come home? Was I ready to deal with reality?
Will I ever be. I have to be. My baby needs me. I must go on and get
well. For her sake and mine. Please pray for me. I need as much
encouragement as possible. Thank you.

Love Christine

_________________________________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com.

Share information about yourself, create your own public profile at
http://profiles.msn.com.