I went to the doctor today under Traci's suggestion. He says I have
post-partum depression and my anxiety is back full-force. He said it
was totally common and normal for woman who have just had babies.
Especially with my history of anxiety and depression. I am back on
paxil. I was on paxil before I got pregnant. I was real proud of
myself for being off it so well during my pregnancy. I was so hoping
that I could stay away from it from now on. But as Traci said, if I
had a heart condition I would take meds, wouldn't I? (Thanks Traci,
you really helped me feel better about it) So I am back on it for
the first day today. The problem is it takes a month or do to kick
in. At least it did last time for me last time. But I am taking
xanax in a crisis. I hate xanax because it is very addictive. And
the withdrawal is pretty nasty. I had problems with it when I was
16. But I need some help. Last night, I found myself lying in bed
hysterical and feeling so doomed. I was panicking worse than I ever
have. I used to be able to walk out of situation when I was
panicking. I was/am the avoidance queen. Which is a bad thing, I
know. IF I panicked in the store, I just did not go to the store.
If I had trouble driving. I did not drive. Worked for me. Not
recovery, and not living good but that is what I did. But when I am
lying in my own bed too scared to move I know I must finally beat
this darn thing once and for all. I am a mom now whether I want to
accept it or not. I must be strong. I am no longer number one, that
title belongs to my Paige now. I know it is not over. I am still
feeling kind of bad. But the doctor's appointment made me feel a bit
better. I know I will get through this. Because I have to. And
that is the first step. I am taking the steps I need to. I may not
feel great this week or even next. But I will feel better than I did
yesterday. And if I don't I will push on anyway. No matter how bad
I feel, I will push on. I have to. There is no choice anymore. It
is time for me to stop running and deal with these issues. If not
for my sake, then for Paige's. She deserves a calm and functional
mother. And I want to be that for her. I lost my own mom as a
child. And I always swore that I would be a great mom if I got the
chance. I always dreamed of a mother daughter bond. I searched for
it everywhere. Well, I can have that bond now. And it is real. I
may be on the other side. But it can and will be all I ever
dreamed. If I only do what it takes to recover. No matter how
uncomfortable and how overwhelming it gets at times. I can do this.
I just hope I never forget that I can. If you see me falling apart
in any of my future posts. Please remind me how strong I am. I have
been through hell and back. Real hell. This is supposed to be a
wonderful experience. I will try real hard to get well emotionally
so I can enjoy this time. If I spend this time miserable and scared
I will regret it later. When Paige is grown. I will be so sad with
myself for wasting this precious time. They don't stay babies.
Please God don't let me blow it. I need and want to feel better so
bad.

Love Christine