I will definitely look up the Carducci book! Thanks for the
recommendation. I've had similar things going on all of my life.
What I've finally come to realize is that yes, sometimes I'm
miserable in social situations and truly content on my own. However,
I'm developing a better sense of those situations into which I need
to give myself a little push, and which I'm inevitably happy for
entering. The criteria seem to be activity (if there's dancing, I'll
usually go, since I'm very good at that) and friends (if a few key
people are going to be there, I know I'll be glad I went).
It seems to me to be a kind of self-knowledge that's consistent with
the introspective nature of my personality. It's been a process of
learning to recognize, and then honor that knowledge...
--- In SocialFitnessForum@y..., "Annette _" <laprofessore@h...> wrote:
> Comments to Jon, Talyn and others:
>
> For many years I had just the situation Jon described: spending
most of my time in solitary activity and wondering if that meant
that, deep down, I was really happier that way and didn't want the
company of others. It wasn't until I finally began to understand the
underlying dynamic of shyness that I began to see that while I do
enjoy solitary activity, I also crave the company of others and often
the fear was taking over and convincing me I didn't need them.
>
> I also spent many years in non-directive therapy. It was good for
my need to talk to others and to sort things out out loud; but it
wasn't good for learning how to overcome shyness, for which I needed
more active strategies. It's helpful to think about what you want
from therapy beforehand and what you're willing to do to make it
work, and to explore different approaches or talk to more than one
therapist before you choose. This list spun out of a cognitive
approach that is more directive in teaching coping strategies for
shyness. I haven't tried this therapy directly because I don't live
near where it is offered; I've just read about it and tried to apply
it on my own. Maybe others on the list can describe what it's like
and how it's helped them.
>
> What finally began to help me understand the underlying dynamic of
shyness was the book called _Shyness: A Bold New Approach_ by
Bernardo Carducci. (You can order it from amazon.com.) I was
astounded, like someone was reading my soul for the first time. I
realized that none of the non-directive therapists I went to had
understood the underlying thoughts, feelings and temperament of
shyness. It's a good book to read if you're willing to be a bit
introspective and also to actively work with his suggestions for self-
understanding and setting up tasks to begin to socialize more. Just
reading it won't by itself make a difference, but working with it on
an ongoing basis is making a difference for me.
>
> One thing I learned from the book is not to continue to make a
common mistake that Carducci calls "forced extroversion." That is
when a shy person tries to pretend to be an extroverted person by
force. It never works because you have to learn to respect and
appreciate your own style and preferences. It was a great relief to
me to discover this, and to find out that I can be genuinely friendly
without pretending to be a type of person that doesn't come naturally
to me. Trying to be some image of a non-shy person only makes you
less genuine and less able to connect with others. When you accept
your uniqueness, it's easier to discover things that interest you
that also put you in contact with others and allow them to come into
your life, and it's easier to overcome your fears and reach out to
them.
>
> There have also been very good suggestions on this list for how to
begin conversation with people you don't know. For those who are new
to the list, I recommend reading the archive.
>
> Good luck,
> Annette
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: jon_clark_19115
> To: SocialFitnessForum@y...
> Sent: Monday, April 22, 2002 6:08 AM
> Subject: [SocialFitnessForum] Anyone else unable to seperate
personality from avoidance?
>
>
> First, yes I'm new here.
>
> Been sort of shy all my life. Now I'm 33 going on 34 and in a
real
> bind. I'm in therapy for a few reasons, but most it seems to
stem
> back to my lack of a social life.
>
> Problem is I can't tell just what type of social life I want. My
> interests and lifestyle are pretty solitary. I work second shift
> which puts me in work at the time most people are hanging out
after
> work, but these are the hours i like because I'm not a morning
> person. I spend most of my time on the computer, watching TV or
> reading and I really enjoy these activities except for the fact I
> have few people to share them with.
>
> And I can't tell if that is by choice or if I kind of retreated
into
> my own little world over time to avoid uncomfortable social
> situations. I can't tell if i should try forcing myself to
change my
> lifestyle (which I enjoy) to increase my ability to socialize.
Or if
> I'd be better off trying to find people who share my limited
range of
> interests.
>
> So I'm wondering if anyone else out there finds themsleves at the
> same impass of having adapted so well to not socializing that
they
> can't tell where their own intersts start and the defense
mechanisms
> end.
>
> Jon
>
>
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