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First off thanks for thinking of me and my friend. It really means a lot to me, especially since we're working to open up and share experiences. I think that often times there may be more learning in those experiences we perceive to be negative or "bad" than when things are going our way. I would have prefered that Ryan not have passed on, however I take comfort in that perhaps he was just needed more somewhere else and perhaps he's in that other place cheering me on; who knows.
I'll try to share some of my own experience here, as I think that perhaps this helps more than say learning theory (I did a lot of that at college) and hope that you can relate. I'm not the most articulate at times, however I'm going to put this out there anyway and not be shy about it; well I may be a bit shy about it, but I'll just go ahead with it anyway and see what happens... And if I can do it, well, now I'm getting all shy about it...
I think that awareness of things is the first step towards resolving them, however it is difficult to get past this stage; I say "get past" lightly because I find that more and more it tends to be a journey wherein we get past a little bit here and a little bit there. I think that with time the awkward feelings tend to go away, however this comes with much experience of being heard and experiencing people who accept you for who you are. If this is a long-standing belief perhaps much experience will be taken to tip the scale the other way;you can imagine that if the shy feeling feels pretty heavy (there's a lot of presure on you when in social situations for instance) it will take one or perhaps several other experiences to counter-balance the weight of the uncomfortable feeling. I know that I've had lots of times around people when they feel comfortable around me (or at least I imagine they do) however all of these light times don't often stack up when I'm in a situation where I'm feeling anxious or that heavy feeling. I can think of those experiences and notice that the feeling starts to go away, however sometimes it takes a while before this happens (or before I remember to notice the heavy feeling and start working to "stack up" the positive experiences).
Like I say though awareness of this will cause something to change. I know that at first for me being aware of the heavy anxious feeling only made things worse, because I was focused on it, but I believe that noticing any change at all is a good thing. Speaking of awareness, I wonder what might happen if you started to notice when the feeling comes on? For instance we know that in social situation the feeling often comes because it's happened a lot, but we don't often remember when the feeling starts. In other words when we notice the feeling, it's often a few moments--often longer--before we notice that the feeling's there, and by this time the feeling has had a chance to "stack up" like I mentioned before and seems really huge. I know that for me it seems that I'm always anxious in social situations (usually regarding a certain type of people or situation) and I take for granted that this is true, rather than paying attention to notice when the feeling comes. Our boddies get habbituated to feelings such that we take them to be normal, hence we draw generalities such as "I always feel" or "I never can" etc, and our nervous system seems only to let us know about these feelings after they've "stacked up" such that we believe that the feelings are really the way they are...
That last part didn't make much sense, however I'd be willing to bet that if you pay really close attention to the feelings that they often aren't what they appear to be. For instance often times in social situations I will feel anxious or that heavy feeling I spoke about, however it just feels like this lump of not-so-good feeling that just sits there and causes me problems. However when I get curious about the feeling and really look into and experience it, I notice a whole different ballgame; I've been going out on a date for instance and notice the anxious feeling, however when I looked into it further I noticed that I was really excited (really, really excited) and ended up feeling great anyway. As you can tell I can't exactly explain it, and even if I did it might sound stupid, but I'm trying to put the experience as it happened; it aint always perfect, but it's different from the "always" or "never" or other such general statements we--in our habbituated state--tend to use for labels for experience and for ourselves. Also notice what happens when you notice where the feeling comes from, before it has a chance to "stack up" so to speak. Often times, before the feeling builds into that grose lump that we don't want, we notice that perhaps that lump is comprised of several smaller lumps (which we still might not want but which might be easier to identify and mannage). And when we notice the one splitting into two (or perhaps more) we might notice that some lumps we really don't want and others--like excitement for instance--we might want to look at closer and experience more. By noticing in this way you are training yourself to notice sooner and sooner as well as to descriminate between feelings, and this will cause you to be much more responcive to feelings such that they won't build until they're out of control.
----- Original Message -----
From: pinkshiro16Sent: Friday, May 16, 2008 2:41 AMSubject: [SocialFitnessForum] Re: Shy all my life & need help--- In SocialFitnessForum@
yahoogroups. , "Box" <soc-yg2@...com > wrote:
>
> Cognitive-behavioral therapy seems to work best for social anxiety.
> It is not complicated but produces gradual progress over several
> years. I suggest you find a therapist that specializes in it, or good
> book or audio series on the topic.
>
Thank you for your comments and thoughts.
I didn't look at the dates alongside the other threads, and it wasn't
until after I had posted that I realised that this group had been quiet
for some time...
Sam, i'm sorry to hear about your loss of your friend.
I appreciated your comments regarding stepping back and taking a look
at the vicious cycle that is shyness. It's a funny thing, I am totally
100% aware that I am creating my own fears and anxieties, but never
seem to be able to bring myself out of them.
I was afraid that my post was going to go unread, so again, thank you
for replying. Makes me feel better to know other people have finally
listened to how I really feel.
Talk soon.
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