First off I'd like to say how pleased I am to see that you've written in here. I'm sure that you'll find the people you need to help start breaking out of this--if only to find people in similar situations who can empathise with what you're going through--and I hope and trust that you'll be able to give us some insite as well. There hasn't been very much activity on here lately, and I'm glad that somebody finally broke the ice; it's kind of ironic that a shy person would be the one to break the ice, especially since this person isn't even involved in our group, but perhaps that's another story...
I've dealt with the same thing for some time now and have had similar difficulties breaking out of this pattern. I should say that I still do have these difficulties, because I still do the same things (some things that you wrote in your message) that I used to do, however I've noticed that things have changed for the better. What I've realized is that I do still have these tendencies, however as time goes on I recognize how to mannage these things better. I'm still a shy person (I still have to uncover why I find it necessary to act in such a manner as to make me seem like a shy person) however now I recognize when I'm acting in such a manner and can take steps to correct the behavior. Now "can" is the operative word here, because I still have problems actually getting to that point; however we must recognize that this isn't some problem that I have which I can do nothing about, because I firmly believe that through my behavior and actions I create such problem and such sollutions for the problem, and since I'm creating all of this by way of my thinking it should be possible to change...
I think that this line of thinking has helped me out quite a bit because, rather than me being shy and not being able to deal with all of that stuff "out there" that "makes" me feel awkward, I recognize that all of this stuff--even if I can't see how--is coming from something I'm doing. I believe that we create the world we experience through the way we perceive what comes in through our senses--what I call our internal map of reality--and as such we can create or re-create quite literally whatever we want. The process by which we create our reality is quite complex, and it takes quite a bit of practice to get to the point where you can consciously and intentionally create whatever you want, however just the thought that such things are possible--and the evidence of change which tells me that this is so--makes me feel better. If I am creating the feeling of being anxious (even if I don't know how to get out of it or what to do about it) I can recognize that it's not happening to me, hence I might be able to gain some sort of control over the situation. Perhaps I can just step back and watch myself being anxious, and in this process I might notice that I'm not the only one feeling anxious: I might notice that others--those who tend to leave most of the responceability for the conversation up to me after the first few lines--also feel anxious, and I might start to notice how they deal with these situations, and I further might notice that they don't act all that differently from me. Of course I don't often notice this in situations where I feel anxious, but it's food for thought.
One of my best friends died over this past weekend, and I felt very anxious at his funeral and other gatherings. I felt that it was my way to be their for him, to say and do the things I knew that one of his best friends would do, and with this responceability I was tied up in gnots over it; I'm still in a sort of trance, because it's still sinking in... At any rate I noticed that I was quiet a lot of the time, and that it was very difficult for me to get into conversations, even with those people whom I've known for years and those whom I'd gone to school and hung out with. I felt that I should be able to say something, and when I somehow found that I couldn't this only made the situation worse and made it more difficult for me to say anything, and then I started noticing how everyone else seemed not to have a problem and how I was the only one who was upset and couldn't talk, and I thought about how I'm a looser because I can't even talk to people who matter for my friend who matter(ed) and... However as time went on I started to come out of this state, and I started to notice other things than what I thought was going on. I started noticing that people were engaging in small talk but not really saying anything, just to say something because we had to get our minds off of it, and that my not doing it was probably because I had a lot on my mind; one of my best friends was taken from me, and I had a little trouble getting my mind off of it. I also noticed that people really appreciated when I did talk--like when I got up and spoke at his funeral even though I didn't want to about how I wouldn't be the person I am today without my best friend being in my life--and that people in fact felt very similar to myself when I questioned them about it. In fact when I talked to them it seemed that they opened up to me, and in turn I opened up to them, and we could be "anxious" or whatever together; pretty much everyone was really upset, really frustrated and sad, really lots of stuff. But I recognized that I could step outside even in feelings of a bad nature, and I learned that perhaps others are just waiting for me to step out first so that they can feel safe doing so. Imagine that, my going on with what I have to do regardless of being shy and feeling alone, and coming out the other side with all of my friends around me in the same situation.
I've rambled on a bit here, and I guess that I don't have any advice here, but I just wanted to get the ball roling. Perhaps if we can provide a good community of people who involve themselves in learning about one another, we won't have to learn some particular technique for getting through this. My work is in creating the life I want and helping others to do the same, and I hope that I can bring something to the table that helps you; I've found this way to be very benificial for me because in this process I learn about myself, and I've often found that two heads are often better than three or even four. If anybody else has comments about this discussion I encourage you to write in, because I know that others on this list are going through similar experiences and I know that others have gotten through those and have stories to share.
Again I thank you for writing in, and I look forward to where we go from here. Until then please and be well.
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Saturday, May 10, 2008 10:15 PM
Subject: [SocialFitnessForum] Shy all my life & need help
Hi Everyone,
Just found this group in my search for information on shyness on the
web. I am 27, and have spent my teenage and adult life under the
shadow of a shy personality, which has hindered both my personal and
professional life.
I have only just recently sat down and put a word to how I feel. I
have mulled over words like "depressed", "introverted", "lazy" for a
long time - and just came to the realization that these are (for me
at least) side effects of my severe shyness. I unfortunately have had
nowhere to turn to "get help" with this and it has taken me a
looooong time to confront myself with the big S word (shy).
I am the type of person who has one or two friends at a time, and
long for a "group" of friends. I have thought about all my past "good
friends", and they are all the type of person who don't react badly
to my shyness - as if they don't see it. They just treat me like a
normal person. But sometimes friends move on, and for the past year
and a half I have found myself in a situation of having no friends at
all :( Which has caused me to feel extremely isolated and cut off to
the rest of civilisation.
Which is strange - I have a loving fiance, so i'm not strictly alone.
She is shy too (not as bad as me), so we are almost catalysts for
each others shyness. Neither of us have a group of friends that we
can pull the other partner along with. So we spend night after night
inside the house not socializing. I use online gaming as a (poor)
substitute to socializing, and she does hobbies and watches TV. My
own hobbies besides gaming are all loner hobbies like comics and
collecting action figures (heh...) - hobbies I feel ashamed of most
of the time.
But this isn't a sob story - I do try to help myself. I try to have a
positive outlook when in social situations. But I find it hard. In
terms of family and people who have known me for a long time, it's
harder than with strangers - because they have known me for so long
as the shy person, so I feel their attitude towards me prevents me
from breaking out of my shyness when around them. I will sit in at a
family gathering and try to talk to people....y'know, strike up
conversations? They will answer the question I throw at them, and
then not follow on the conversation. Having a discussion is a two way
street, so the talking kinda stops because they don't reach back out
to me. Which makes me feel so uncomfortable that I just shrink back
into my old self and sit there. No one comes up to strike up
conversations with me, but they will talk to everyone else in the
room - making me feel like an outcast. Maybe they see me as not
wanting to talk, so I know some of the blame in this situation lays
at my own feet. But it seems no matter how much I try, I can't (and
people who know me make it really hard) to break out of the shyness.
As if i'm stuck in this role for life - a horridly depressing thought.
Before any social outings, I start feeling uncomfortable up to 4 or 5
hours before the time, knowing what lies in wait. I go through phases
of grumpyness and trying to talk myself out of not going to the party
or the dinner or whatever function it is. After social outings I feel
depressed and sometimes start thinking suicidal thoughts.
Work isn't much better. Since graduating from my degree, I have
settles for second best. I went to work in a factory, claiming
that "there was no jobs out there for me" when i didn't even look!! I
have always put that down to lazyness - similar to me not trying in
my studies at uni. It stems from not wanting to stand out in fear of
akward situations. So I have settled for second best jobs. I am
currently working in my proffesion of choice - but not strictly
because I was brave enough to break out of the vicious cycle. My boss
is a felow former gamer, so conincidence led me into my current job.
It's a low paying job for what I can do, but I never ask for a pay
rise or look else where for a better job. The social aspect of work
is similar to my family - they already know me, so attempts to break
out of the shyness fail and they don't seem to treat me like they
treat anyone else. When we have nights out with the staff, my boss
makes jokes about how quiet I am and doesn't hesitate to tell anyone
who doesn't know me how quiet I am...which doesn't make for a fun
night!
So I am really desperate for some help. I am friendless, and lonely.
My wedding is in 6 months and I have no one to turn to to be my best
man :( Well, no one who deserves that roll I mean.
I seriously think Shyness is a mental health issue. It has caused me
such pain and anxiety in my life that I couldn't see how it could be
anything else. But I don't want to be the shy guy all my life -
"quiet guy" I can live with - but shyness is a totally different
kettle of fish to quietness.
Thank you for listening and letting me get this off my chest. I hope
some of you can relate and give me feedback about how I can break
this cycle of shyness.
Mike
Having problems with message search?
Fill out this form to ensure your group is one of the first to be migrated to the new message search system.
Send Email
