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Comments to Jon, Talyn and others:
For many years I had just the situation Jon described: spending most of my time in solitary activity and wondering if that meant that, deep down, I was really happier that way and didn't want the company of others. It wasn't until I finally began to understand the underlying dynamic of shyness that I began to see that while I do enjoy solitary activity, I also crave the company of others and often the fear was taking over and convincing me I didn't need them.
I also spent many years in non-directive therapy. It was good for my need to talk to others and to sort things out out loud; but it wasn't good for learning how to overcome shyness, for which I needed more active strategies. It's helpful to think about what you want from therapy beforehand and what you're willing to do to make it work, and to explore different approaches or talk to more than one therapist before you choose. This list spun out of a cognitive approach that is more directive in teaching coping strategies for shyness. I haven't tried this therapy directly because I don't live near where it is offered; I've just read about it and tried to apply it on my own. Maybe others on the list can describe what it's like and how it's helped them.
What finally began to help me understand the underlying dynamic of shyness was the book called _Shyness: A Bold New Approach_ by Bernardo Carducci. (You can order it from amazon.com.) I was astounded, like someone was reading my soul for the first time. I realized that none of the non-directive therapists I went to had understood the underlying thoughts, feelings and temperament of shyness. It's a good book to read if you're willing to be a bit introspective and also to actively work with his suggestions for self-understanding and setting up tasks to begin to socialize more. Just reading it won't by itself make a difference, but working with it on an ongoing basis is making a difference for me.
One thing I learned from the book is not to continue to make a common mistake that Carducci calls "forced extroversion." That is when a shy person tries to pretend to be an extroverted person by force. It never works because you have to learn to respect and appreciate your own style and preferences. It was a great relief to me to discover this, and to find out that I can be genuinely friendly without pretending to be a type of person that doesn't come naturally to me. Trying to be some image of a non-shy person only makes you less genuine and less able to connect with others. When you accept your uniqueness, it's easier to discover things that interest you that also put you in contact with others and allow them to come into your life, and it's easier to overcome your fears and reach out to them.
There have also been very good suggestions on this list for how to begin conversation with people you don't know. For those who are new to the list, I recommend reading the archive.
Good luck,
Annette
----- Original Message -----From: jon_clark_19115Sent: Monday, April 22, 2002 6:08 AMSubject: [SocialFitnessForum] Anyone else unable to seperate personality from avoidance?First, yes I'm new here.
Been sort of shy all my life. Now I'm 33 going on 34 and in a real
bind. I'm in therapy for a few reasons, but most it seems to stem
back to my lack of a social life.
Problem is I can't tell just what type of social life I want. My
interests and lifestyle are pretty solitary. I work second shift
which puts me in work at the time most people are hanging out after
work, but these are the hours i like because I'm not a morning
person. I spend most of my time on the computer, watching TV or
reading and I really enjoy these activities except for the fact I
have few people to share them with.
And I can't tell if that is by choice or if I kind of retreated into
my own little world over time to avoid uncomfortable social
situations. I can't tell if i should try forcing myself to change my
lifestyle (which I enjoy) to increase my ability to socialize. Or if
I'd be better off trying to find people who share my limited range of
interests.
So I'm wondering if anyone else out there finds themsleves at the
same impass of having adapted so well to not socializing that they
can't tell where their own intersts start and the defense mechanisms
end.
Jon
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