----- Original Message -----

From: Will

To: SocialFitnessForum@yahoogroups.com

Sent: Monday, December 18, 2006 11:01 PM

Subject: Re: [SocialFitnessForum] Hi from a newbie & ? about taking reasonable social risks

It's always great hearing from you again.  Your words are wise.  

On 12/18/06, Sam Rau <sam.rau@wmich.edu> wrote:

One big thing which has improved my social skills is my initiating things more.  All to often I find that I wait for someone to come up to me and talk, which usually results in my not talking to many people.  Though people do want to talk to me, I often fortget that others are in the same boat as I am; maybe they're waiting for me to initiate things, and to go up to them and start a conversation?  As far as you go, I think that you've got that part covered already.

 

I've also found that people like talking about themselves.  I like to get another person talking, so that I may discover what others things would be good to talk about.  I try to ask open-ended questions; questions which cannot be answered by a yes or no.  Questikons such as "do you like this music" will not lead to much further conversation after their answer, unless you have somthing to say (which can sometimes be difficult when first meating someone).  I ask things like "what's your favorite ___" "so what do you think about ___".  These types of things will show them that you're interested in them, and that you want to hear what they have to say.  I've found that when I get people to open up to me, I have very good conversation.  A lot of people think that if a conversation isn't going well, that they can say something to keep it ! going (an

 

Conversations are a two-way street.  When there's silence, or when a conversation isn't going so well, it's up to both parties to take responsabilitty for this.  I think that we often place too much preasure on ourselves in trying to eliminate awkwardness or whatever.  Other people have the same feelings as you and, even if they aren't shy or nervous, they probably don't like awkwardness either.  If you open up the door to them, they will often work with you; it's when we try too hard that things usually screw up.

 

If small talk is going fine, and you'd like to take it to the next level, then just let it flow.  Don't try to force it, or worry about whether it's going good, or whether or not you have somthing in your teeth... :-)  Just focus on what you want, and everything will be fine.  If it doesn't feel fine, that's OK; these feelings are just feelings, and don't often reflect what's really going on.  Sometimes they do but, especially when they're negative, often times they don't.

 

Thanks for posting (and perhaps reading this to the end).  Be well, and live in abundant posabilitty.

----- Original Message -----

From: juls_lilly

To: SocialFitnessForum@yahoogroups.com

Sent: Saturday, December 16, 2006 9:07 AM

Subject: [SocialFitnessForum] Hi from a newbie & ? about taking reasonable social risks

Hi, this is my first time posting here. I've read through a couple of
posts, and this looks like a good group. Everyone seems very supportive.

My question is: How do does a person improve his or her social skills?
People always tell me, "Oh just talk." As if just saying anything
would be enough and that I'd get better with practice. Well, when I
try that approach, most people don't like talking to me. For example,
when I started at a restaurant job in college, I was determined not to
be known as the "quiet girl." I spoke up, and people just flat out
dismissed me. Not one person at that job liked me.

Also, I have a hard time creating meaningful conversations and finding
connections with new people. I'll make small talk, but nothing
progresses from there--the conversation ends with an awkward silence
and that's it. On the other hand, when I listen to my friends when
they meet a new person, they'll chitchat for a few seconds and then
come up with some brilliant observation or shared interest that will
jump start an interesting conversation. The other thing is--my
friends even make their small talk sound interesting!

I feel like maybe in the past I've been trying to take huge leaps of
improvement before I was ready--like I'm missing some pieces of the
puzzle. Thank you for reading this looong post, and any advice you
have is greatly appreciated.