First off, I'm really glad that you decided to write in to this forum. When I
first signed up here, I knew that I wanted to make a change in my life, and this
forum seemed like the best way in which to find others who might understand what
I'm going through; often I find that it's important to know, no matter how you
feel, that you're not alone in your struggle. You probably already know this,
as you're writing to us in the first place, so in my opinion you've already come
a lot farther than it seems you give yourself credit for. It seems that you
realize that you deserve a better life, and I hope that (like the rest of us
both in this forum and in the rest of the world) whether it's via this forum or
by some other means that you find it. I think that all of us here are going
through the same things that you are, or at least similar situations which make
us feel the same way, and I don't think that we would have signed up here if we
all weren't willing to work (together or on our

PS: Please write back and let me know if this makes sense. Often times I feel
like things are easier said than done ("where there's a will there's a way" is a
good belief to hold, but sometimes something so simple seems chleychay and
meaningless).
----- Original Message -----
From: akw141 <akw141@...>
Date: Saturday, April 1, 2006 4:09 pm
Subject: [SocialFitnessForum] lonely and desperate

> Don't know exactly why I'm writing this. Maybe the subject
> explains
> things. Since I don't know who's going to be reading this, or what
> they might think about it, I'll reduce this to a clinical study
> (more or less.)
>
> 38 year old male, mental health history includes suicide attempts
> and hospitalization. Has been diagnosed with depression, bipolar
> and
> emotional disorders, as a child had ADHD and anger management
> problems. In adulthood has lacked direction, sporadically been
> employed, mostly isolated, sporadic friendships and romantic
> partners, feels all of them have disappointed and let him down.
> Frequent pattern of giving up on the world, feeling it's 'too
> pathetic to live in', that everyone is unreliable and superficial,
> sees himself on quest to find 'true love, true friendships, true
> family'. Defines biological family as 'people forced to be with by
> virtue of his birth'. Subject is a writer who feels closer to the
> fictional characters in his stories than real people, and has more
> than once gone on cross-country odysseys in the delusion belief he
> would find them. He is constantly unhappy, feeling emotional pain
> and physical sickness that makes it virutally impossible to get
> through day. Currently unemployed, left last job due to
> combination
> of stress of customer service and poor management. Has no current
> options, feels doomed and helpless, but halfheartedly sends
> resumes.
> Expects current life to end when savings run out, probably after
> horrific ordeal of being homeless.
>
> Additional notes: one year ago subject left a disastrous, ego-
> mangling 3 year relationship with a girlfriend whose family did
> nothing but criticize, stifle, challenge personality, question
> masculinity, control, and in general make his life a living hell.
> A
> son resulted from relationship, which subject now has no contact
> with. A female friend helped him to escape this nightmare, and he
> fell madly passionately in love with her. She claimed to return
> the
> feeling, but drifted away and is currently living with someone
> else
> with the son she had with him. Subject sees all of this, combined
> with the compulsion to come to current location, as a deliberately
> contrived plan by some higher power to torture him. He now feels
> exhausted, disillusioned, has lost complete faith in the world in
> general, and sees no way of even surviving without some kind of
> savior. Has been accepting money from father, but has given up
> even
> on that and feels extremely guilty for taking what he sees
> as 'charity.' Has also given up on finding anyone who will accept
> him for himself, sees typical female requirements of money,
> security, etc as a personal insult, and resents the world in general.
>
> Additional notes: subject in question is an attractive,
> intelligent
> 38 year old man with a great deal of potential. He has tried to
> socialize, be friendly and outgoing, make friends and find
> girlfriends, but all attempts have been disastrous. Aside from
> being
> vulnerable to stress, sometimes negative, and extremely unlucky
> ordeal seems primarily caused by external factors. Resulting
> depression, social anxiety, and self-destructive pattern primarily
> reactive and situational in nature.
>
> to be honest I don't know how to diagnose all of this, in spite of
> being in therapy enough in my life to get an honorary degree. Some
> of it may be caused by myself, but I feel compromising my need to
> test people in the hope of finding people who really care will
> condemn me to never trusting anyone and only having 'fair weather'
> friends. I've become dysfunctional to the point where even leaving
> the house is a struggle, and I'll lose that within a month. I've
> tried extremely hard to find a career, even trying to negotiate
> with
> management to prove my abilities. I've sent off my writing, looked
> into starting my own business, and feel constantly sabotaged by
> fate. I have no friends, a father who I've exploited and basically
> bled dry, and feel completely unable to deal with the world or
> live
> as an adult. I have no network, no work references I can use or
> work
> history that anyone can verify, I feel constantly agitated and
> like
> the world around me is 'wrong' and I'm in the process of rapidly
> disintegrating. It kind of feels like watching someone you love
> dying of a terminal disease. Being alone is agony to me, except
> for
> those sporadic moments when I feel almost ecstatic I'm out of the
> nightmare relationship i left and forget to miss my son or my
> friend. I'd like to be comfortable and successful, but to even try
> to be seems like it would be sacrificing the almost biological
> need
> to find people willing to prove themselves as friends and lovers,
> and at the same time the idea of doing that to anyone that might
> prove themselves is horrible to me. So I guess it's a Catch-22.
> The
> world feels insane and possessed to me, and it horrifies me that
> I'm
> living in it, but I've attempted suicide (serious attempts which I
> regret didn't work and it surprised doctors I survived) so many
> times I'm beginning to feel like Rasputin or that I really am in
> Hell and that's why I can't die. I can't afford therapy or
> medication, and neither has worked or addressed the basic problems
> I'm dealing with at any rate.
>
> It would take so little to make me happy. I've been happy. All I
> need is a group of friends I trust and feel comfortable with, to
> enjoy the simple things in life with, one special person I can
> deeply love who loves me back, and enough money to survive. Those
> aren't huge things that should require the physics of the world to
> change, but it feels like everyone including God is actively
> preventing them.
>
> Anyway, like I said I don't know who I'm writing to or why. I
> guess
> it was a desperate whim. Thank you for your patience with my pity
> party.
>
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