Don't know exactly why I'm writing this. Maybe the subject explains
things. Since I don't know who's going to be reading this, or what
they might think about it, I'll reduce this to a clinical study
(more or less.)

38 year old male, mental health history includes suicide attempts
and hospitalization. Has been diagnosed with depression, bipolar and
emotional disorders, as a child had ADHD and anger management
problems. In adulthood has lacked direction, sporadically been
employed, mostly isolated, sporadic friendships and romantic
partners, feels all of them have disappointed and let him down.
Frequent pattern of giving up on the world, feeling it's 'too
pathetic to live in', that everyone is unreliable and superficial,
sees himself on quest to find 'true love, true friendships, true
family'. Defines biological family as 'people forced to be with by
virtue of his birth'. Subject is a writer who feels closer to the
fictional characters in his stories than real people, and has more
than once gone on cross-country odysseys in the delusion belief he
would find them. He is constantly unhappy, feeling emotional pain
and physical sickness that makes it virutally impossible to get
through day. Currently unemployed, left last job due to combination
of stress of customer service and poor management. Has no current
options, feels doomed and helpless, but halfheartedly sends resumes.
Expects current life to end when savings run out, probably after
horrific ordeal of being homeless.

Additional notes: one year ago subject left a disastrous, ego-
mangling 3 year relationship with a girlfriend whose family did
nothing but criticize, stifle, challenge personality, question
masculinity, control, and in general make his life a living hell. A
son resulted from relationship, which subject now has no contact
with. A female friend helped him to escape this nightmare, and he
fell madly passionately in love with her. She claimed to return the
feeling, but drifted away and is currently living with someone else
with the son she had with him. Subject sees all of this, combined
with the compulsion to come to current location, as a deliberately
contrived plan by some higher power to torture him. He now feels
exhausted, disillusioned, has lost complete faith in the world in
general, and sees no way of even surviving without some kind of
savior. Has been accepting money from father, but has given up even
on that and feels extremely guilty for taking what he sees
as 'charity.' Has also given up on finding anyone who will accept
him for himself, sees typical female requirements of money,
security, etc as a personal insult, and resents the world in general.

Additional notes: subject in question is an attractive, intelligent
38 year old man with a great deal of potential. He has tried to
socialize, be friendly and outgoing, make friends and find
girlfriends, but all attempts have been disastrous. Aside from being
vulnerable to stress, sometimes negative, and extremely unlucky
ordeal seems primarily caused by external factors. Resulting
depression, social anxiety, and self-destructive pattern primarily
reactive and situational in nature.

to be honest I don't know how to diagnose all of this, in spite of
being in therapy enough in my life to get an honorary degree. Some
of it may be caused by myself, but I feel compromising my need to
test people in the hope of finding people who really care will
condemn me to never trusting anyone and only having 'fair weather'
friends. I've become dysfunctional to the point where even leaving
the house is a struggle, and I'll lose that within a month. I've
tried extremely hard to find a career, even trying to negotiate with
management to prove my abilities. I've sent off my writing, looked
into starting my own business, and feel constantly sabotaged by
fate. I have no friends, a father who I've exploited and basically
bled dry, and feel completely unable to deal with the world or live
as an adult. I have no network, no work references I can use or work
history that anyone can verify, I feel constantly agitated and like
the world around me is 'wrong' and I'm in the process of rapidly
disintegrating. It kind of feels like watching someone you love
dying of a terminal disease. Being alone is agony to me, except for
those sporadic moments when I feel almost ecstatic I'm out of the
nightmare relationship i left and forget to miss my son or my
friend. I'd like to be comfortable and successful, but to even try
to be seems like it would be sacrificing the almost biological need
to find people willing to prove themselves as friends and lovers,
and at the same time the idea of doing that to anyone that might
prove themselves is horrible to me. So I guess it's a Catch-22. The
world feels insane and possessed to me, and it horrifies me that I'm
living in it, but I've attempted suicide (serious attempts which I
regret didn't work and it surprised doctors I survived) so many
times I'm beginning to feel like Rasputin or that I really am in
Hell and that's why I can't die. I can't afford therapy or
medication, and neither has worked or addressed the basic problems
I'm dealing with at any rate.

It would take so little to make me happy. I've been happy. All I
need is a group of friends I trust and feel comfortable with, to
enjoy the simple things in life with, one special person I can
deeply love who loves me back, and enough money to survive. Those
aren't huge things that should require the physics of the world to
change, but it feels like everyone including God is actively
preventing them.

Anyway, like I said I don't know who I'm writing to or why. I guess
it was a desperate whim. Thank you for your patience with my pity
party.