Having problems with message search?
After writing my E-mail this morning, I came across something which I hope will be food for thought for many of us. I know that, at least for myself, in social situations feelings often get in the way and hinder my interaction, especially ones which turn out not to be true (I'm not saying/doing the right things, what I have to say isn't important, etc). I would be interested to hear if anyone else has practiced these techniques to get more in touch with their feelings, or if anyone finds these techniques useful. Thanks.
FEELINGS DON'T LIE.
How many times might you have thought - even said - I shouldn't feel like this?
How many times might you have thought - even said - I shouldn't feel like this?
Most people do, at some point or another. And yet it is a totally invalid statement - if you 'shouldn't' feel like that, then you wouldn't. Feelings are
always there for a reason and we can gain a lot from working out exactly what it is we are feeling and why we are feeling it. It's not an easy task but
a very worthwhile one.
always there for a reason and we can gain a lot from working out exactly what it is we are feeling and why we are feeling it. It's not an easy task but
a very worthwhile one.
Before you can get started on the task you need to understand a few important ideas.
1. Your feelings will never lie to you. You can lie about them, definitely, but what you feel is what you feel. Some feelings are uncomfortable, but they
are simply messages from your subconscious and cannot actually harm you.
are simply messages from your subconscious and cannot actually harm you.
2. Don't beat yourself up if you think that your feelings are 'bad' - this will not make them go away and will ultimately make them worse. Feelings are
never 'bad', they are simply a message from part of your subconscious mind about a reaction to a situation of some sort. Many times, we can resolve those
feelings but it will sometimes need the help of a professional therapist.
never 'bad', they are simply a message from part of your subconscious mind about a reaction to a situation of some sort. Many times, we can resolve those
feelings but it will sometimes need the help of a professional therapist.
3. Recognise that you are not the only person in the world who has those feelings. They might be uncomfortable but they are not 'weird' or unique. But you
can guarantee that everything you feel is felt millions of times around the world. Your subconscious is the same as that of everybody else; it is the same
and works the same, and it is from there that your feelings originate.
can guarantee that everything you feel is felt millions of times around the world. Your subconscious is the same as that of everybody else; it is the same
and works the same, and it is from there that your feelings originate.
4. You didn't *choose* to have those feelings - we can only control what we do with the feelings not their existence. Our feelings come from what we have
learnt about ourselves and the world from the moment we were born and you certainly didn't have any choice over *those* matters!
learnt about ourselves and the world from the moment we were born and you certainly didn't have any choice over *those* matters!
5. Nobody can *make* you feel anything. Your feelings are *your own* reaction to a given situation. If you have trouble with this concept just think about
the number of times that people have *tried* to make you feel something and it hasn't happened. And if it WERE possible to change somebody's feelings,
do you not think that somebody would have learnt to do just that, to totally control what another thinks and therefore what that other person wants to
do? If somebody could do that, negatively OR positively, he or she would be worth a million in no time at all!
the number of times that people have *tried* to make you feel something and it hasn't happened. And if it WERE possible to change somebody's feelings,
do you not think that somebody would have learnt to do just that, to totally control what another thinks and therefore what that other person wants to
do? If somebody could do that, negatively OR positively, he or she would be worth a million in no time at all!
6. The most important one: Your feelings deserve respect and total regard. Accept that they are there and that they are valid, even if they are unpleasant.
Next time that you find yourself feeling uncomfortable in some way, make a mental note that you will investigate those feelings as fully as you can and
make an appointment with yourself to do just that - and don't 'forget' it! This is all part of giving your feelings total respect. Create some sort of
'anchor' that will let you find it again; creating a strong image of where you are as you feel it will normally do it.
make an appointment with yourself to do just that - and don't 'forget' it! This is all part of giving your feelings total respect. Create some sort of
'anchor' that will let you find it again; creating a strong image of where you are as you feel it will normally do it.
Method:
First, read through the 6 rules above, thinking in depth about each one of them, especially number 6. Continue only when you feel the understanding of each
rule.
rule.
Now sit quietly and focus for a few moments, just as in the beginning of the 'self focussing' technique in the last newsletter; just in case you don't have
it to hand, here it is again:
it to hand, here it is again:
Sit yourself comfortably and just stare for a while, not trying to think of anything in particular; it's slightly better to stare at a fixed point, though
not essential. You might feel relaxed and you might not - it's not important, either way. After a while (it varies from person to person) you will be aware
of some sort of change. It might be that you feel quiet, or that you notice your breathing has slowed down. It might be just that you feel calm and relaxed.
What happens is not important - it's the fact that you have NOTICED that something has changed that is important.
not essential. You might feel relaxed and you might not - it's not important, either way. After a while (it varies from person to person) you will be aware
of some sort of change. It might be that you feel quiet, or that you notice your breathing has slowed down. It might be just that you feel calm and relaxed.
What happens is not important - it's the fact that you have NOTICED that something has changed that is important.
Now, keeping that state, access the feeling that you want to explore and recognise that it is YOUR feeling and is nothing to do with anybody else and can't
affect anybody else. If state of focus changes, then start again; it is essential to remain as consciously calm and detached as possible to allow your
subconscious to communicate.
affect anybody else. If state of focus changes, then start again; it is essential to remain as consciously calm and detached as possible to allow your
subconscious to communicate.
Keep the feeling in your mind/body and don't try to do anything with it other than that. After a little while (it might only be a moment or two) you will
be aware of a thought or an image also in your mind; this is quite inevitable and is a key to the origin of the emotional response that you are getting,
even if you do not immediately understand it. Examine the thought or image without criticism or judgement; remember that you didn't choose it and it's
simply a message from the subconscious. The image or thought might change to something else, perhaps another feeling of some sort, and if it does, just
go with it, simply following the train of thought in as much of a detached manner as you can.
be aware of a thought or an image also in your mind; this is quite inevitable and is a key to the origin of the emotional response that you are getting,
even if you do not immediately understand it. Examine the thought or image without criticism or judgement; remember that you didn't choose it and it's
simply a message from the subconscious. The image or thought might change to something else, perhaps another feeling of some sort, and if it does, just
go with it, simply following the train of thought in as much of a detached manner as you can.
Sometimes, everything will just suddenly make sense. At other times, the feeling will simply fade which is a message from your subconscious that you have
done enough work as is necessary/possible for the time being. If it returns, you can go through the process again.
done enough work as is necessary/possible for the time being. If it returns, you can go through the process again.
Finally, remember to apply those 6 rules to the thoughts and images that your subconscious has given you - and remember, your subconscious GAVE you those
thoughts; it did not force them into your mind!
thoughts; it did not force them into your mind!
********************
THE BUS STOP SYNDROME
This rather quirky title refers to a particular way of being in much of 'polite' society. It is essentially a metaphor for getting on and doing things rather
than procrastinating and I have used with many clients with great success.
This rather quirky title refers to a particular way of being in much of 'polite' society. It is essentially a metaphor for getting on and doing things rather
than procrastinating and I have used with many clients with great success.
Imagine that you had just moved to a new area and needed to catch the bus to go to work. On you first morning at this 'new' bus stop, you observe the other
commuters there, noticing that none of them seem to know each other; they don't speak or communicate at all.
commuters there, noticing that none of them seem to know each other; they don't speak or communicate at all.
On the second day at the same bus stop, you see one or two people who weren't there the day before, along with a couple of others that were. Nobody speaks.
Neither do you. The same thing happens on the third, fourth and fifth days and you recognise one person who has been there every day. You wonder if he/she
recognises you, though there is no indicator that this is so. not so much as a 'Good morning'. But then again, you haven't indicated anything, either.
Not so much as a 'Good morning'. And it's the weekend now.
Neither do you. The same thing happens on the third, fourth and fifth days and you recognise one person who has been there every day. You wonder if he/she
recognises you, though there is no indicator that this is so. not so much as a 'Good morning'. But then again, you haven't indicated anything, either.
Not so much as a 'Good morning'. And it's the weekend now.
On Monday, you go to the same bus stop and that same person is there again - you glance in each others' direction. and here's the interesting bit; if you
don't speak that day, then you probably never will. It will become a habit to see this person at the same time every day without communicating. Unless
something unusual happens. If the bus drives straight past without stopping, you might say something. If it stops 100 yards from the bus stop and the engine
explodes you almost certainly WILL say something. Something that is not part of the habit has happened and momentarily broken the routine, allowing you
to move out of the comfort zone to break the ice.
don't speak that day, then you probably never will. It will become a habit to see this person at the same time every day without communicating. Unless
something unusual happens. If the bus drives straight past without stopping, you might say something. If it stops 100 yards from the bus stop and the engine
explodes you almost certainly WILL say something. Something that is not part of the habit has happened and momentarily broken the routine, allowing you
to move out of the comfort zone to break the ice.
And much of life is like that - habit. They form very quickly and unless we do something to interfere with the useless ones they can blight our life.
So why not make something unusual happen for yourself, rather than waiting at the bus stop for fate or somebody else to take a hand?
Send Email