Hi,

Thanks for your post. I definitely also struggle with what you
describe here. I just started a new job, and it seems like I spend a
lot of my mental energy worrying about whether I'm too quiet and
trying to make conversation. Because I'm so focused on it, I tend to
be self conscious about what I do end up saying. It's no fun!
Yesterday the office had a birthday party for a co-worker, and I felt
conspicuously quiet sitting at the table eating cake. My quietness
tends to ebb and flow depending on the circumstances and perhaps what
else might be bothering me or on my mind at a particular time. But it
seems hard to control when I most want to control it, for example
just after starting a new job. The anxiety that comes from being
quiet in a professional environment seems to make me quieter. So does
evaluating myself based on how I think I "should" act.

In terms of advice, to you and to myself, I think that I'm still
figuring out how to deal with this. For me, it seems like new
behaviors can be learned, but in order to start practicing them --
even slowly -- I need to have some space to move around in. I need to
be forgiving with myself and let myself make mistakes. This is easier
said than done, and takes a lot of awareness. I think my own
quietness stems mainly from the early part of my life when I didn't
want to make mistakes. And being in a work environment seems to bring
up some of those old emotions.

It seems to help me to take some time out for myself at the end of
the day and ask myself what I'm really afraid of and what's going on,
if it's been an especially quiet day. This at least helps me develop
a sort of conversation and relationship with myself, and hopefully
compassion as well. The key, though, seems to be daily practice:
taking some time each day to work with myself. When I feel strong
enough to really make a brave step forward, whether socially or in
another area, this helps feed my momentum and confidence. There seems
to be a subtle balance, though, between pushing myself to grow and
just sitting compassionately with whatever feeling I might have on a
particular day. Just because I feel like I "should" be pushing myself
to talk more at work, or to suddenly become a perfect
conversationalist, doesn't mean that I'm in the right frame of mind
to take steps in that direction. In fact, trying to do something
(like talk) only because I feel it's expected of me seems to be a
recipe for disaster (and unhappiness) for me.

I think it's possible that being "too quiet" is an opportunity to
develop a close relationship with yourself. Too often, though, I
don't do the daily work I need to do. When that happens, I feel like
I'm too much at the mercy of outside elements -- if a conversation
doesn't go well or something, then I feel pretty lousy.

Overall, it seems like it helps to simply not be hard on myself for
being too quiet. I do worry, whether it's rational or not, about
losing my job for being too quiet. But I guess the thing to do is
just not focus on that.

Anyway, it can be a hard struggle, and there are a lot of different
opinions and experiences. This is probably a lot more than you
expected to get (and it's more than I expected to write), but I do
hope some of it is helpful. If you're so inclined, feel free to write
more -- either here or to my personal email -- about your own
experiences and I'll try to respond.







--- In SocialFitnessForum@y..., "infp1234" <infp123@a...> wrote:
> Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I am really glad
to
> have found this forum.
>
> Here is what I'm dealing with: I'm reasonably comfortable and
> successful at job interviews. My problem lies in the conversation
> to be made with coworkers during the work day. Many days it
> wears me out trying to chat with others. I have such a problem
> worrying if other people think that I am "too quiet" that I
> sometimes find it hard to concentrate on my job.
>
> Does anyone have advice? It would be much appreciated.