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Ray,
There is a book called Shyness: A Bold New Approach" by Bernardo Carducci (in paperback, see Amazon) that addresses your question and gives many good suggestions on how to get engaged in conversation when you're not sure what to say or how to start. There are also books on conversational skills; Larry King wrote one with a title something similar to, "How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere about Practically Anything." They are easy to find on Amazon.
I found Carducci's book particularly helpful. He gives suggestions on how to focus your attention on other people and draw them out that are presented in a way that quiet people can use comfortably. He also explains how shy people just need more time to warm up than non-shy people do, and how they can understand and cope with that. And that there's nothing wrong with being a more quiet person. Not everybody needs to be a live wire; you can imagine what a social group would be like in which everyone is trying to compete to be the center of attention!
I agree that there is something about quietness that makes extroverted people uncomfortable. They can't seem to accept that some people are quiet but are observing and just taking their time to be comfortable; instead, they seem to assume we are judging them. And the most unhelpful thing they can do is ask you why are you so quiet. It is really more about their own discomfort than about you.
Good luck,
Annette
----- Original Message -----From: aveticeSent: Wednesday, July 20, 2005 10:17 AMSubject: [SocialFitnessForum] not really afraid of social environments...Hey, names Ray. I'm starting to get annoyed with my lack of
conversational skills. I've been called shy, quiet, all that fun
stuff. However I'm not really afraid of social gatherings or any of
that. I love hanging out with my friends and family. The thing is I
just dont talk much. If I knew what to talk to people about I wouldnt
appear to be so shy I think. It's when everyone wants to get together
to just sit around a campfire or something and talk, thats when I stop
enjoying myself because everyone is talking, and I can never think of
anything to talk about. There is always at least one person, during
these kind of gatherings that will say "whats a matter Ray, is
something wrong? your so quiet?". The only thing that really gets me
through these sort of things is that I just start observing everything
and taking mental visual notes, because I am an illustrator. Never
took a date to a resteraunt before because I dont want to bore them to
death with my lack of conversation. I don't even find silence awkward,
i don't understand why people feel so awkward when a silent moment
comes around.
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