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Hi Tony,
I'll be happy to give you an answer from the point of view of the girl.
The best thing you can do to connect with a girl is to be friendly and be yourself. Don't try to come up with a cute line, just smile and show you're interested in being friends. The words don't matter as long as you are friendly.
I just started going out with a new guy about a month ago. We met on a group hike. I don't even remember how he approached me because it wasn't anything special, just friendly. He probably just came up and asked if I was enjoying the hike, then we had light conversation, then when we stopped for lunch he asked if he could join me, and then we talked about things like what work we did and what kinds of things we liked to do for fun. He asked me to join him for coffee after the hike, and later said, "Here's my name and phone number, may I have yours and call you sometime?" I said absolutely, because he just seemed like a nice, unpretentious guy, and that helped me with my own shyness. Then he called about three days later and asked if I'd like to get together the next weekend. He made a few suggestions (a movie, a museum) and let me choose the one I preferred. (Better to suggest doing something together where you can talk and get acquainted, like a museum or a walk in the park rather than a movie.)
What impressed me most about him was that he was friendly, didn't try to pretend, and had the confidence to say directly that he'd like to call me. He's a bit of a quiet guy, and maybe he wasn't as confident as he looked, but being simple and direct, not roundabout or keeping me guessing, projected confidence and was a real turn-on. He also calls when he says he'll call. Nothing is worse than a guy who says he'll call and then doesn't. I think this approach will work with a lot of women. Also, we are nervous, too, and will usually be sensitive to a guy who is shy as long as we see he is friendly and interested in us.
When you go out on the date, think about showing her a good time, and do pay for her. Many people are thinking more about whether they themselves are having a good time than about the other person, and thoughtfulness is always appreciated. You don't have to be perfect, and you can make some mistakes or have some awkwardness as long as your heart is in the right place.
Keep in mind that no matter how well you handle it, some women will simply not respond to you. In that case, don't take it personally, just figure she wasn't open-minded and try again with someone else. Practice will make you better at it, and also less hurt when some girls say no, because you will know that you are getting better and it wasn't personal. If you just be friendly, sooner or later you will find a girl who responds to it.
Incidentally, our first date was pretty self-conscious, which should be expected and not seen as a failure. Each of us said some "wrong things," but we tried to overcome our shyness and not give up. He called again and the second date was more relaxed. But if it doesn't get past the first date, that's OK, just see it as practice with someone that is not your match, that will get you ready one day for the girl who really is right for you.
Best of luck,
Annette
----- Original Message -----From: Tony R.Sent: Tuesday, July 20, 2004 5:06 PMSubject: [SocialFitnessForum] Help, too shy to ask!New here.
I thought I was the oldest person feeling anxious about asking a
girl out until recently, when I remembered a guy I once met in his
late fifties: who once told me that he has had to deal with shyness
all his life. And he'd *never* found courage to ask a girl out (has
friends but never had a girlfriend).
I also recall him telling me that loneliness is the worst part of
being alone; not having anyone to share life with. Like me he has
friends but no one special.
He told me to hurry and find someone so I don't end up like him.
When I examine at my life now I often wonder if I saw my future in
that man. I can relate very well how difficult it is not being able
to ask someone out; to not know how or when to ask.
What if the words I use are all wrong?
Will the other person reject me in a way that will hurt me (I don't
mind rejection unless it hurts)?
Even when it's appears very easy to ask, I can't help but get
anxious about how to ask the right way, and what could go wrong once
I do go out with the other person.
What if she lies by saying yes, but does show up because she
suddenly decides that since I didn't ask properly she thinks I'm no
good?
Tony
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