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Hi Bora,
I did look into Berent at one point, but I never actually went, so I can't give specific feedback on what he does or how helpful it is. He has a book which is readily available in paperback (I found it at Barnes & Noble) and I'm sure is on his web site, as well as on Amazon. Basically I looked at his and Carducci's books, and decided that Carducci's approach fit me better personally. I also had had therapy and did not at that time feel like going back in, even if the approach was different.
I think each person is an individual and needs to find the approach that fits him or her. Look at Berent's book and see if he speaks to you. If so, then going to his group could be very beneficial, as it would provide the support and discipline to stick with the program, and you would be with other people who understand what you are going through. If you decide to go, feel free to ask him questions at the first session to understand what he does and how he can help you. I admit that, without a group to hold me accountable, I probably don't get out and practice as often as I need to, and I have to keep reminding myself to get out and practice. To fill in that gap, I recently joined a church-related social club and a walking group, so I would regularly socialize and meet new people while engaging in activities of mutual interest.
The reason I preferred Carducci's approach was that he gives a lot of information on the psychology of shyness before he gets to the suggestions for how to engage in social activities. I'm a bit older, and I found the depth of the explanations to be very clarifying and to resonate with my experience. Not everybody requires that depth of analysis. Berent focuses less on the analysis and more on the behavior, and for some people that might be a better approach.
Whatever the approach, the main thing I learned was that this problem requires ongoing effort. It is just something that comes less easily to us than to some other people (though it may not be as easy for them as it appears, either), so we just have to accept this and work at it. Books and therapies can provide direction and discipline, but in the end we just have to get out and practice, be willing to make mistakes and to learn from them, have patience with ourselves, and learn to be less preoccupied with what others think of *us*, in favor of being more interested in getting to know *them*. If we see it as a long-term process of learning and growing, and stick with it, we will get results, and it will be worth the effort. Also, self-acceptance: we are not looking for a personality change, we are looking to appreciate and release the unique individual we are, even if that is a quiet and gentle person and not a live wire.
I hope this is helpful. I wish you all the best,
Annette
----- Original Message -----From: BoraSent: Saturday, June 05, 2004 7:40 AMSubject: Re: [SocialFitnessForum] ShynessHi Annette, I was wondering on your opinion about this Dr. Jonathan Berent. His website is www.social-anxiety.com. He offers telephone therapy but it's 160 dollars per session. I'm considering it because I could use someone to motivate me and help me directly with developing conversational skills. Do you know anyone who has been through this before or something similar? Is it worth the money?Bora
Annette _ <laprofessore@...> wrote:Don't feel discouraged, it's not easy for me, or for anyone else I know. It's a constant and, I think, lifelong effort, but you will get rewards if you work at it. We're all in the same boat and we're all rooting for you!Annette----- Original Message -----From: BoraSent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 1:27 PMSubject: Re: [SocialFitnessForum] ShynessEasier said than done, but thanks a bunch. I've taken it into heart and will try harder.~Bora~Hi Bora,Just reading a book will give you some ideas, but they will only change you if you make them your project. After reading Carducci's book I went back and tried to apply things he said, to understand myself and to practice the skills. I found that they do help, but I also found, from my own backsliding, that you have to be constantly practicing and not slack off. The original founders of this list called it "social fitness" because they believed that, like physical fitness, you have to be constantly working at it to stay in shape. So, I go back and forth, but I find that when I really commit to it and work on it, it does get easier and things get better. I try to accept that this is just something that comes harder to me than it does to some other people, so I just have to keep working at it.Good luck,Annette----- Original Message -----From: BoraSent: Thursday, June 03, 2004 12:02 AMSubject: Re: [SocialFitnessForum] ShynessHi Annette, I've read some of those self-help books and they're okay. But I haven't improved much, I dunno maybe I need some motivational thing. But thanks I'll look up the first one since I've read the second one already.~Bora~You might try some books on this subject (both paperback, on Amazon):"How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere: The Secrets of Good Communication" by Bill Gilbert and Larry King"Shyness: A Bold New Approach" by Bernardo Carducci. Contains advice on making conversation: it's less about finding the "right" thing to say than about directing your attention and warmth toward other people rather than on yourself.Good luck,Annette----- Original Message -----From: sophiebo84Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 2:46 AMSubject: [SocialFitnessForum] ShynessHi, My problem with shyness is that I try to be conversational but
people don't seem to give me a chance because I guess I say the
wrong thing and it just creates an awkward silence because I don't
know what else to say.
I've always been shy though at times more than others. I had an
overprotective mother so I never really socialized with other people
my age when I was was a child. So as I grew into young adulthood I
didn't know how to interact with my peers and throughout adolescence
I've had only one or two very close friends at different times.
I just need good advice or counselling for this sort of thing. Can
anyone suggest anything?
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