--- Annette _ <laprofessore@...> wrote:
> Ronda,
>
> Your current therapist sounds very good. I didn't
> have good experiences in therapy for shyness because
> my therapists were nondirective and didn't
> understand shyness. I didn't begin to understand it
> until I read Carducci's book, which I personally
> found to be the best one around on the subject. It
> was such an eye-opener for me that it has begun to
> change my life. It gave me some self-understanding
> and the willingness to slowly try new situations and
> develop new skills with people. I still have a long
> way to go, but I feel myself getting more
> comfortable, and also realizing that others, too,
> lack confidence, so we're more in the same boat than
> I thought.
>
> Some things I especially liked about Carducci's
> book:
>
> (1) How shyness isn't inevitable, but it often
> follows from a certain personality type that is high
> strung and needs to take new situations slowly.
>
> (2) It is okay to be the type you are and to be
> sociable in your own way; the ideal is not to make
> yourself an "extrovert," but to find your own style
> and comfort level and to work within those.
>
> (3) It helps a lot to focus on others and not only
> on our own anxieties. Like everything else, this
> takes practice.
>
> (4) It is possible to help your child gradually deal
> with social situations. There are more alternatives
> than to either let him or her avoid feared
> situations or to force him or her into them.
> Forcing without patience and understanding does not
> work, whether with children or with oneself.
>
> (5) Shyness isn't overcome with one magic trick. It
> is something we gradually work with over a long
> period of time. It is a matter of slowly exploring
> new situations, a little bit at a time, for the
> purpose of one's long-term growth.
>
> Everyone has things that they just have to work at
> to get better. For us, this is it.
>
> Good luck on the path!
> Annette
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Ronda
> To: SocialFitnessForum@yahoogroups.com
> Sent: Saturday, November 16, 2002 10:33 PM
> Subject: [SocialFitnessForum] Re: Hi I'm a newbie
> here
>
>
> Hi Annette, thank you for your reply.
>
> I do believe the therapist that I have now has a
> much better
> understanding of shyness. When she mentioned that
> it sounds like I
> could have social anxiety on top of being very shy
> I was stunned.
> Then I felt bit of relief that it wasn't something
> that was just easy
> to get over like I had been told. My therapist
> also told me that it
> is ok to be shy, but if I wanted to be feel
> comfortable with myself
> and other people that I could change my thought
> patterns and
> behaviors if I chose to. That's sounds really
> good, but it isn't very
> easy. Before I was always told I that I needed to
> not be shy, it was
> wrong to be shy. My parents didn't keep me away
> from socail
> situations, they forced me into to them. I
> remember getting sick to
> my stomach at a fair when I was made to tap dance
> on stage with a
> couple of little girls. I have a few other similar
> memories. My
> therapist recomened the book 'Shynes: What it is
> and What to do about
> it'. I have only read the 'What it is' part so
> far. The book you
> mentioned sounds very imformative, thank you for
> telling me about it.
>
> My son goes to preschool again this year. He goes
> 3 hrs. a day M-F.
> He went last year too, but his shyness did not
> ease up at all the
> whole year. As a matter of fact he was sick and
> had to stay home for
> 3 weeks, and then he had a really hard time going
> back. I was really
> thinking about keeping him home then, but his
> teacher talked me out
> of it and was able to help some and things got a
> little better. I'm
> glad that I didn't keep him home because, it would
> have probably been
> worse now. Just yesterday though, when I went to
> pick him up I saw
> him playing a kind of tag game with three other
> boys. It was the
> first time I had ever seen him play with anyone.
> Usually he just
> stands there, or occasionaly rides a tricycle. He
> is far from being
> shy at home, he really makes up the diffence when
> he is at home. I
> have always been shy, but I've also been a quiet
> person even at home.
> Which you probably can't tell from my long
> rambling posts. LOL
>
> Thanks again, Ronda
>
> --- In SocialFitnessForum@y..., "Annette _"
> <laprofessore@h...> wrote:
> > Hi Ronda,
> >
> > Having had similar experiences myself, I
> understand a bit of what
> you are going through. I can't give a
> prescription because each
> person is different, but it sounds to me like your
> new therapist has
> a better grasp of your situation than the first
> one did. My
> experience with therapy is that it is more likely
> to be effective if
> the therapist has an understanding of the shy
> person and if the
> therapy has specific behavioral goals, rather than
> if it is
> nondirective. You might discuss with your
> therapist your concerns
> about the group and whether it seems likely to
> meet your goals.
> >
> > Regarding your child, I don't have children
> myself but remember
> being a shy child. The best reference I've ever
> seen on shyness,
> which includes a very good section on helping a
> shy child, is
> Bernardo Carducci's book _Shyness: A Bold New
> Approach_ (in
> paperback, available on Amazon and in many
> bookstores). He really
> understands the mentality of the shy person and
> has many good
> suggestions. Regarding children, he has
> suggestions on how to help a
> shy child feel safe enough to gradually enter
> social situations. He
> says it is better to give a child encouraging
> support to participate
> than to reward shyness by keeping a child home,
> which only reinforces
> the avoidance. Unfortunately my shy parents
> allowed me to avoid
> situations and that only made it harder for me to
> confront them as an
> adult. The book is both helpful and optimistic
> about how to work
> with a shy child and with a shy self.
> >
> > For me, the key has been to understand the
> underlying thought
> process and then to gradually enter more social
> situations and
> practice, beginning with things that were
> relatively low risk. It is
> a lifelong process.
> >
> > Good luck,
> > Annette
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: Ronda
> > To: SocialFitnessForum@y...
> > Sent: Friday, November 15, 2002 11:17 PM
> > Subject: [SocialFitnessForum] Hi I'm a newbie
> here
> >
> >
> > It's hard for me to know where to start. Well,
> I've been seeing a
> > therapist. I started going to see her for my
> depression, and
> because
> > I'm taking a fairly high does of an
> anti-depressent, (it helps
>
=== message truncated ===
hi; I just want to say that i have just started to
read Carducci's book on shyness. so far it's helping
me to understand how i have been feeling for years. i
am look ing forward to finishing the book and moving
on to other things and people to help me. thanks. i am
glad that i have found this web site to interact with.
thanks again and I'm sorry for butting in.

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