Thanks for writing, it's good to hear from you. Just have a moment before I
have to go to work, but wanted to say that you are not crazy or completely
out of touch. I've been there and experienced most of what you said. And it
was so ingrained for so long I can easily fall back into it if I choose
to. But, it can get better too. Not overnight with a pill or book or brief
therapy. It takes concerted willingness, honesty and effort over time. When
you mentioned seeing 'shrinks' I wonder if you meant a psychiatrist (most
likely to give you a pill) or a psychologist (more likely to test and stick
a label on you). Instead of either of those (nothing against them - they
serve a good purpose, just not our need) I believe people like us are
better off with a counselor - Masters' degreed and with a focus on
cognitive behavior. If you haven't already done so, go back a few months
and read the posts on this site - lot of good info. Later.

At 04:31 AM 9/19/02 +0000, you wrote:
>In this post I'm revealing my most personal and uncomfortable
>problems in the hopes that someone out there has had experience with
>the kind of things I've been dealing with the past three years. After
>reading this if you feel the need to tear me a new one, and let me
>know just why you think I'm as f----ed up as I claim I am, please go
>right ahead. I'm ready and willing to hear any honest opinions.
>
>I'm only 21 and I'm totally out of touch with society.
>
>I have minor panic episodes when there is nothing to fear, and I'm
>stone calm when disaster strikes. I'm confident in my abilities and
>have an assertive mentality, but I have uncontrollable anxiety
>attacks in many social settings, sometimes even among close friends.
>I tick, shake, fidget, forget how to swallow, and flub sh-- up. Also,
>sometimes I can't piss in public, and I have a real problem getting
>my soldier to stand at attention when I need him to if you know what
>I mean. No pun intended, but it really pisses me off when these
>things happen. When I feel it coming on I sit there trying anything
>to stave it off, relaxing, thinking about something else, trying to
>end it with sheer will power. All to little or no effect.
>
>I've tried drugs, wellbutrin, xanax, ritalin, concerta, paxil,
>nothing works. I don't lack focus or intelligence but I do lack
>motivation. It was never really addressed in my childhood because I
>always managed to get my work done at the last moment, and I still
>do. In fact its almost impossible for me to work if a deadline isn't
>looming. I'm not significantly obsessive compulsive, I don't hear
>voices, and I'm not manic-depressive. I've seen five shrinks,
>including a two-man team at Upenn that did a very expensive workup,
>and none came up with a diagnosis. Adolescent transition anxiety was
>what they wrote down for the insurance co, but no one including
>myself ever believed that was the root cause…if there is one.
>
>Much stranger than my upsetting nervous moments and possibly worse, I
>can't look almost anyone except my nuclear family and two lifelong
>friends in the eyes for any length of time without getting unexpected
>looks back. Keeping eye contact is like balancing a house of cards
>for me. I'm told my facial appearance and especially my eyes look
>piercing, serious, focused, and even mean when my expression is in
>its normal, relaxed, casual state. Even when I'm feeling especially
>friendly and carefree I have to actively work to get strangers to
>give me a chance. A few days ago an elderly woman asked me for the
>time and when I turned around and politely told her, her demeanor
>immediately changed and she looked back at me like she was
>intimidated. Also this week a young lady I ordered a sub from at a
>convenience store apparently didn't like my expression because she
>stared me down defiantly, but no one else in line. I've experimented
>with minimizing eye contact in general but that has its own
>downsides; people think you're withdrawn and bashful, which I'm not
>and would care not to be thought of as.
>
>I always overestimate the amount of time it takes for a person to get
>to know me, and I them. I misread other's intentions and they misread
>mine. Coworkers have jokingly called me autistic. I'm accused of
>being sarcastic when I'm being sincere. In one recent occasion I was
>told I put out a negative energy and act `holier than thou' when I
>was trying my hardest to do exactly the opposite.
>
>This one is really inexplicable to me, I don't know why but
>frequently at movies or other places people sitting behind me press
>on my chair and snicker. I used to think I was just paranoid, but now
>I always turn around and ask them to stop and almost everyone cops to
>it. My friends say it has happened to them, but nothing like the
>regularity of what I'm experiencing.
>
>Although I cannot explain most of my neuroses, I do believe I suffer
>from a false self-image. For most of my life I was not considered
>especially attractive by the opposite sex A few years ago I lost 30
>pounds and kept it off, and now some very beautiful women are
>interested in me, and I simply can't get myself to truly accept it.
>Sometimes when I look in the mirror I can see myself as attractive,
>but most of the time I don't.
>
>I don't know a single person who is going through all of this. For
>the most part I just keep chugging along. I used to apologize a lot
>for my behavior but I think that only makes the situation more
>overtly uncomfortable. Now I just set myself to getting through the
>inevitable odd encounters and moving on. If something I do gets an
>unexpected bad reaction I change subjects and do my best to show the
>person that I didn't intend it.
>
>It's not always bad, I have my good days when nothing like I've just
>described happens. It just drives me crazy that I involuntarily show
>these signs of nervousness. I hate feeling totally confident are sure
>of myself and yet my heart is beating uncontrollably and my armpits
>are soaked. If its bad in normal situations you can imagine what its
>like with a girl, which is why I date really at all.
>
>I don't know if this helps but my ShyQ was 3.17
>
>My Good points: bright, abstract, creative, passionate,
>compassionate, insightful, assertive, funny, desire for self-
>actualization, quick learner, leader, independent, eclectic, good
>taste
>
>My Bad points: paranoid, insecure, anxious, narcissistic, arrogant,
>can justify anything, lazy, judgmental, self critical, obsessed with
>others impression of me
>
>
>
>
>To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
>SocialFitnessForum-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
>
>
>
>Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/

-------------------------------------------
Introducing NetZero Long Distance
Unlimited Long Distance only $29.95/ month!
Sign Up Today! www.netzerolongdistance.com