In this post I'm revealing my most personal and uncomfortable
problems in the hopes that someone out there has had experience with
the kind of things I've been dealing with the past three years. After
reading this if you feel the need to tear me a new one, and let me
know just why you think I'm as f----ed up as I claim I am, please go
right ahead. I'm ready and willing to hear any honest opinions.

I'm only 21 and I'm totally out of touch with society.

I have minor panic episodes when there is nothing to fear, and I'm
stone calm when disaster strikes. I'm confident in my abilities and
have an assertive mentality, but I have uncontrollable anxiety
attacks in many social settings, sometimes even among close friends.
I tick, shake, fidget, forget how to swallow, and flub sh-- up. Also,
sometimes I can't piss in public, and I have a real problem getting
my soldier to stand at attention when I need him to if you know what
I mean. No pun intended, but it really pisses me off when these
things happen. When I feel it coming on I sit there trying anything
to stave it off, relaxing, thinking about something else, trying to
end it with sheer will power. All to little or no effect.

I've tried drugs, wellbutrin, xanax, ritalin, concerta, paxil,
nothing works. I don't lack focus or intelligence but I do lack
motivation. It was never really addressed in my childhood because I
always managed to get my work done at the last moment, and I still
do. In fact its almost impossible for me to work if a deadline isn't
looming. I'm not significantly obsessive compulsive, I don't hear
voices, and I'm not manic-depressive. I've seen five shrinks,
including a two-man team at Upenn that did a very expensive workup,
and none came up with a diagnosis. Adolescent transition anxiety was
what they wrote down for the insurance co, but no one including
myself ever believed that was the root cause…if there is one.

Much stranger than my upsetting nervous moments and possibly worse, I
can't look almost anyone except my nuclear family and two lifelong
friends in the eyes for any length of time without getting unexpected
looks back. Keeping eye contact is like balancing a house of cards
for me. I'm told my facial appearance and especially my eyes look
piercing, serious, focused, and even mean when my expression is in
its normal, relaxed, casual state. Even when I'm feeling especially
friendly and carefree I have to actively work to get strangers to
give me a chance. A few days ago an elderly woman asked me for the
time and when I turned around and politely told her, her demeanor
immediately changed and she looked back at me like she was
intimidated. Also this week a young lady I ordered a sub from at a
convenience store apparently didn't like my expression because she
stared me down defiantly, but no one else in line. I've experimented
with minimizing eye contact in general but that has its own
downsides; people think you're withdrawn and bashful, which I'm not
and would care not to be thought of as.

I always overestimate the amount of time it takes for a person to get
to know me, and I them. I misread other's intentions and they misread
mine. Coworkers have jokingly called me autistic. I'm accused of
being sarcastic when I'm being sincere. In one recent occasion I was
told I put out a negative energy and act `holier than thou' when I
was trying my hardest to do exactly the opposite.

This one is really inexplicable to me, I don't know why but
frequently at movies or other places people sitting behind me press
on my chair and snicker. I used to think I was just paranoid, but now
I always turn around and ask them to stop and almost everyone cops to
it. My friends say it has happened to them, but nothing like the
regularity of what I'm experiencing.

Although I cannot explain most of my neuroses, I do believe I suffer
from a false self-image. For most of my life I was not considered
especially attractive by the opposite sex A few years ago I lost 30
pounds and kept it off, and now some very beautiful women are
interested in me, and I simply can't get myself to truly accept it.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror I can see myself as attractive,
but most of the time I don't.

I don't know a single person who is going through all of this. For
the most part I just keep chugging along. I used to apologize a lot
for my behavior but I think that only makes the situation more
overtly uncomfortable. Now I just set myself to getting through the
inevitable odd encounters and moving on. If something I do gets an
unexpected bad reaction I change subjects and do my best to show the
person that I didn't intend it.

It's not always bad, I have my good days when nothing like I've just
described happens. It just drives me crazy that I involuntarily show
these signs of nervousness. I hate feeling totally confident are sure
of myself and yet my heart is beating uncontrollably and my armpits
are soaked. If its bad in normal situations you can imagine what its
like with a girl, which is why I date really at all.

I don't know if this helps but my ShyQ was 3.17

My Good points: bright, abstract, creative, passionate,
compassionate, insightful, assertive, funny, desire for self-
actualization, quick learner, leader, independent, eclectic, good
taste

My Bad points: paranoid, insecure, anxious, narcissistic, arrogant,
can justify anything, lazy, judgmental, self critical, obsessed with
others impression of me