I have actually forgotten what it is like having fun for myself,
especially on the internet. I am a stick in the mud. I am 33 going
on 5...or even older. I would just like to be happy for one day and
act as if there are no thoughts, no mood swings, no work to be done,
and people just to talk to.

I need to do a spring cleaning of my life. My thoughts come in
different forms. They are thoughts not based on my real life, like
the infidelity thoughts. I have no experience with cheating on
someone or being cheated on. Thank goodness I don't. That will
always be a mystery as to why exactly I have these thoughts.

Then there are some obsessions that I have problem with, but they end
up making my other obsessions worse in the long run, such as the
obsession with Mexican actor Sergio Basanez. I confess that I have
been obsessed with this man. It has gotten too much. I confess that
I have obsessed with other men for years and some last a few days,
and others last much longer. Sergio Basanez lasted two years. It is
time for me to start concentrating on someone I will actually meet.

It seemed a lot safer for me to obsess. But I realize that it has
gotten too far. I allowed it to spiral out of control to a point
where it criss-crossed wtih other obsessions like the one about
infidelity. For example there is a scenario where I am married to
him and I am cheating on him. There is another example where it can
criss-cross as in the case of him not getting along with another
actor. It is upsetting that he does not get along with someone else
because it ruins the illusion that I have based on the obsessions.

There is scrupulosity where I have the thoughts that "I am not
saved", "You are not doing it right", "You are going to Hell", etc.
Those are the ones that attack what is very personal and are the most
frigtening because eternal is what it is: forever and ever. Those
are the most difficult to break out of because they are not based on
things that are based on fables. But they are based on truth, on
fact.
Then there are the ones that are exaggerated and are based on life
events. I was teased when I was younger and those obsessions have
brought on guilt and bitterness. I have become more compassionate
yet angry at the same times. When I hear someone make a rude comment
or make fun of somebody. Anything that triggers something about the
past is upsetting to me.

Then there are obsessions that don't have any of these effects,
though they are not of any concern like racism. It doesn't take over
or upset me. Then there are those that are not upsetting or cause
any concern but they did in the past. The one about the end of the
world are one of those things.

I am now in therapy and taking medication. I have taken medications
for depression, bipolar, and anxiety over the years. I have taken
Wellbutrin, Lithium, Paxil, Lamictal, Risperdal, Zoloft, Celexa,
Effexor, BuSpar, Tegretol, etc. I wonder if the rest of you can
relate.

I have even thought or wondered if I could be schizophrenic or have
aspberger. But I have been diagnosed as having GAD, Bipolar,
Depression, and OCD over the years. I have even been hospitalized
twice over the years. Because of my illness, I have been teased,
laughed at, considered "weird" or "crazy" by others, and have had to
change schools once because my counselor thought I wasn't getting any
better. I recognized all of this when I went to college at 17 when I
first began to not remember other people's names. It has affected
life in college, life in high school, my grades. I have difficulty
focusing at times.

Talking about them helps. I was wondering if diet play a role in the
severity of mood swings and obsessive thoughts. I was also wondering
if stress play a role. How do I begin to change my ways?
Sincerely,
Gail Gerald