Hi Kathy,

Yes, i know about that kind of life of walking on
eggshells. I used to be so shy as a child, but i just
looked at the things around me, and i would say to
myself, "there's got to be a better way to do this"...
and i'd think, 'why do they pretend they feel one way
when they feel another', and i'd wonder if there was
something so wrong with feeling bad about something or
just saying that something wasn't good, instead of
keeping that tension.

well, there is nothing wrong with saying how you feel.
it's when there's all this build up, from either side,
that things can be bad.

i don't even eat eggs, so I don't want to waste my
energy walking on eggshells. (i'm vegan)...

one of the things i'm working on now is accepting that
other people around me aren't as open... like my
parents... and that talking to them about feelings or
about solutions isn't all that efficient. i spent so
much time trying to work with my father on changing
our relationship into a really healthy one. Well,
there's been some progress, but it was way to much
effort. So i'm learning to take the more detached road
to progress. that way, the progress makes me happy,
but i don't hold those expectations all the time.
(just sometimes)

anyways, can you tell me something about this email
list? I must have joined about a year ago, and every
once and i while i see an email or two. Recently, i've
seen a bunch of action on this email list. I'm not
sure if it's just active occasionally, or if somehow
only one portion of the emails get to me. Do you know?

Thanks.

Kira
--- Kathy Varga <varga.kathy@...> wrote:

> Hi Kira, and Amen... Ditto, and are you in my
> family?????? lol sure sounds like my dad was. he
> just past. but he was extremely controlling. you
> must stick up for yourself or you will never get out
> from under him. Good for you. it really sounds like
> you are taking a very healthy approach. you know
> what you need. remember that song. "you don't
> always get what you want but you get what you
> need"those flash backs suck don't they! i am
> feeling every emotion your talking about. this
> really sucks. please stay in touch!
>
> kathy
>
>
> ----- Original Message ----
> From: ying shanhua <dabidzi@...>
> To: Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com
> Sent: Thursday, February 7, 2008 7:48:07 AM
> Subject: Re: [Recovery-World-Al-Anon] Lost In NY
>
> Hi,
>
> Thanks for sharing your story...
>
> Like you, I've been through hard times, with my A
> boyfriend. He's been the only A that's been very
> close
> to me, but I don't think there's much difference
> between my father and an A either...
>
> Anyways, i know that it's hard to make decisions and
> that for me, it took a long time to really decide,
> in
> my heart, that i didn't want to be with my A. I kept
> holding on to the hope that things would get better,
> that he'd recover, and that we'd be happy
> together...
> i also needed recovery, and i was suffering from
> terrible flashbacks and shock. He's not a bad person
> now, but he still has problems. They're still pretty
> big problems.
>
> So finally I knew that things wouldn't change fast
> enough for it to be worth it. And that's when we
> broke
> up. When I KNEW.
>
> We are now living in different states, and I'm
> dealing
> with the emotional losses. I'm starting to feel like
> i
> wish i had a partner; sometimes i feel love for him
> very strongly; sometimes i feel a little resentful
> at
> 'what he did to my life'. Sometimes i want him to
> give
> me the things now (in friendship) that i so often
> craved when we were together -- basically i just
> mean
> being really open and connected. But when i talk to
> him, there's a distance, and i guess he's
> depressed...
> and it makes me distrust him, because it 'seems'
> like
> he doesn't care about anything.
>
> Anyways, i feel like i want his friendship now, but
> i
> think what i really want is to share my life with
> someone that's really compatible with me -- my needs
> aren't really based around him. And the reason i
> know
> that is because he's not who i sometimes think he
> is.
> His problems are a 'frequent' part of who he is, and
> that's not what i need or want.
>
> just thinking about it now, i see that i still feel
> like talking to him and asking, (and this wording
> would'nt be very productive) "Why don't you just
> relax
> and open up? We don't have to de so distant, we can
> have fun talking together. There can be happy
> times..." I felt like that so much of the time that
> I've known him...
>
> but i also know that it's not just him... so many
> people seem to have difficulty just enjoying life
> and
> being really open and free. at least i don't know a
> whole lot of people who are like that. and i guess
> that's part of why i crave it with him... because
> i've
> gotten it with him at times and it was so wonderful.
>
>
> anyways, i'm going off on a tangent... i feel like
> being apart is definitely the right thing. I'm sure
> we
> wouldn't be happy together right now. And I know
> that
> when i'm sure of something for myself, that if i
> make
> the right decision for myself it's probably going to
> be better for the people around me too.
>
> If i do something against my will (because i think
> i'm
> doing someone else a favor), i may be resentful, and
> things would be pretty bad for me and the people
> around me.
>
> I have to do things because i really want to.
>
> At the moment, i'm with my parents. I'm here for a
> short visit, and i have to set a lot of boundaries
> with them, especially my father. but if i didn't,
> i'm
> sure i'd be in a mini-depression right now. he's
> very
> controlling, and even if i have to be persistent, i
> have to stick up for myself when he's pushy. it's
> worked pretty well for me so far on this visit. And
> i'm a lot more accepting that our family life isn't
> close to perfect. In the past, i might have thought
> about it more and felt more sad about it.
>
> and if my father is going to stress about my having
> boundaries with him, that's his problem. Things
> can't
> go on the way they have. And maybe after years of
> work, we will have a relationship that i'm happy
> with...
>
> take care, and good luck with finding serenity in
> your
> decisions,
> Kira
> --- mheim33 <mheim33@yahoo. com> wrote:
>
> > Hi. I have been married to my husband for 9 years
> > this year. I was
> > recently divorced when I met him from an abusive
> man
> > and an
> > alocholic. I knew when I met my current husband
> that
> > he drank. I have
> > 4 children from my first marriage 1 boy 17 and 3
> > girls 16,15,13. 3
> > years my husband had back surgery and was taken
> out
> > of his line of
> > work permanently. He hasnt worked since. He drinks
> > more and more and
> > became addicted to presription meds. I didnt
> realize
> > until recently
> > about the meds addiction. He denies it and says
> that
> > he only takes
> > them for the pain. He has gotten mean within the
> > past year,
> > especially towards my children. He is the reason
> my
> > son no longer
> > speaks to me. I have tried to help him and talk to
> > him but he denies
> > he has a problem with either alochol or
> prescription
> > meds. I've asked
> > him to get help and go to AA meetings, my mom is a
> > recovering
> > Alcoholic for almost 14 years, and he refuses to
> go
> > saying that he
> > isnt like the other people that go there, he is
> > better than them. My
> > husband does not work, he stays up half the night
> > and sleeps all day.
> > I work 2 jobs to make ends meet. I told him this
> > past week i cant
> > live like this anymore and i want him to leave. He
> > is looking for a
> > place to live but in the meantime i feel so guilty
> > because I've given
> > up. He is "suddenly" not feeling well and cries
> and
> > asks me not to do
> > this to him. I just cant live like this anymore,
> my
> > girls have been
> > through alot and they despise him. They are so
> > relieved to know he is
> > leaving. But yet i feel awful that i am doing this
> > to him. I am so
> > lost.
> >
> >
>
>
=== message truncated ===




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