Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story...

Like you, I've been through hard times, with my A
boyfriend. He's been the only A that's been very close
to me, but I don't think there's much difference
between my father and an A either...

Anyways, i know that it's hard to make decisions and
that for me, it took a long time to really decide, in
my heart, that i didn't want to be with my A. I kept
holding on to the hope that things would get better,
that he'd recover, and that we'd be happy together...
i also needed recovery, and i was suffering from
terrible flashbacks and shock. He's not a bad person
now, but he still has problems. They're still pretty
big problems.

So finally I knew that things wouldn't change fast
enough for it to be worth it. And that's when we broke
up. When I KNEW.

We are now living in different states, and I'm dealing
with the emotional losses. I'm starting to feel like i
wish i had a partner; sometimes i feel love for him
very strongly; sometimes i feel a little resentful at
'what he did to my life'. Sometimes i want him to give
me the things now (in friendship) that i so often
craved when we were together -- basically i just mean
being really open and connected. But when i talk to
him, there's a distance, and i guess he's depressed...
and it makes me distrust him, because it 'seems' like
he doesn't care about anything.

Anyways, i feel like i want his friendship now, but i
think what i really want is to share my life with
someone that's really compatible with me -- my needs
aren't really based around him. And the reason i know
that is because he's not who i sometimes think he is.
His problems are a 'frequent' part of who he is, and
that's not what i need or want.

just thinking about it now, i see that i still feel
like talking to him and asking, (and this wording
would'nt be very productive) "Why don't you just relax
and open up? We don't have to de so distant, we can
have fun talking together. There can be happy
times..." I felt like that so much of the time that
I've known him...

but i also know that it's not just him... so many
people seem to have difficulty just enjoying life and
being really open and free. at least i don't know a
whole lot of people who are like that. and i guess
that's part of why i crave it with him... because i've
gotten it with him at times and it was so wonderful.

anyways, i'm going off on a tangent... i feel like
being apart is definitely the right thing. I'm sure we
wouldn't be happy together right now. And I know that
when i'm sure of something for myself, that if i make
the right decision for myself it's probably going to
be better for the people around me too.

If i do something against my will (because i think i'm
doing someone else a favor), i may be resentful, and
things would be pretty bad for me and the people
around me.

I have to do things because i really want to.

At the moment, i'm with my parents. I'm here for a
short visit, and i have to set a lot of boundaries
with them, especially my father. but if i didn't, i'm
sure i'd be in a mini-depression right now. he's very
controlling, and even if i have to be persistent, i
have to stick up for myself when he's pushy. it's
worked pretty well for me so far on this visit. And
i'm a lot more accepting that our family life isn't
close to perfect. In the past, i might have thought
about it more and felt more sad about it.

and if my father is going to stress about my having
boundaries with him, that's his problem. Things can't
go on the way they have. And maybe after years of
work, we will have a relationship that i'm happy
with...

take care, and good luck with finding serenity in your
decisions,
Kira
--- mheim33 <mheim33@yahoo. com> wrote:

> Hi. I have been married to my husband for 9 years
> this year. I was
> recently divorced when I met him from an abusive man
> and an
> alocholic. I knew when I met my current husband that
> he drank. I have
> 4 children from my first marriage 1 boy 17 and 3
> girls 16,15,13. 3
> years my husband had back surgery and was taken out
> of his line of
> work permanently. He hasnt worked since. He drinks
> more and more and
> became addicted to presription meds. I didnt realize
> until recently
> about the meds addiction. He denies it and says that
> he only takes
> them for the pain. He has gotten mean within the
> past year,
> especially towards my children. He is the reason my
> son no longer
> speaks to me. I have tried to help him and talk to
> him but he denies
> he has a problem with either alochol or prescription
> meds. I've asked
> him to get help and go to AA meetings, my mom is a
> recovering
> Alcoholic for almost 14 years, and he refuses to go
> saying that he
> isnt like the other people that go there, he is
> better than them. My
> husband does not work, he stays up half the night
> and sleeps all day.
> I work 2 jobs to make ends meet. I told him this
> past week i cant
> live like this anymore and i want him to leave. He
> is looking for a
> place to live but in the meantime i feel so guilty
> because I've given
> up. He is "suddenly" not feeling well and cries and
> asks me not to do
> this to him. I just cant live like this anymore, my
> girls have been
> through alot and they despise him. They are so
> relieved to know he is
> leaving. But yet i feel awful that i am doing this
> to him. I am so
> lost.
>
>

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