I read somewhere that on average, abused women leave seven times before they are able to stay away.  I think I got away sooner than that because of God's intervention.  When everything didn't work out the way I thought it would if I did all the stuff church people and Program people told me to do, I thought God had let me down and all the Program people and church people had lied to me.  But, I now firmly believe that doing all the spiritual/recovery work that I did is the reason God was able to pry my death grip on my marriage off enough to get me out of there.  I got fed up enough I moved out while he was gone and told him that I wasn't coming back until he got some help.  But he showed me.  He went and got a girlfriend, divorced me and remarried - wasn't going to dictate to him!  (Don't we just love that alcoholic defiance!)

I probably don't have to tell anyone that I was hurt, disappointed, and felt terribly betrayed.  But he hasn't changed and I have had 15 years of freedom from his abuse.  It's not the reality I wanted, but it so much better than it would have been had I stayed, or he hadn't had a temper tantrum and dumped me to "punish" me.  (Actually it's kind of funny, now.  Alcoholic thinking is sooooo unrealistic.)

From: michelle bloom <mecaylachuck@...>
Subject: Re: [Recovery-World-Al-Anon] Michelle, what wonderful Al-Anon!
To: Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sunday, July 12, 2009, 9:52 AM

Wow, this disease has literally affected you an entire lifetime. No wonder it is so hard to handle! It sounds as though you are doing the best you can with an unimagainably tough situation. I often ask myself the same questions: Why do I keep him around? He does not provide for us financially, emotionally or any other way. We are not lovers anymore, we are not even really friends, so I relate to your situation so much! At best we are roomates who just co-exist, and not often that well. I love reading about your dogs. I'm so glad you have something that gives you a source of peace and comfort. I don't know what i would do without mine or the good friends and special people in my life who love and support me. As for why you cannot kick him out: Well in my opinion we can only do what we are ready to do at the moment. I have left my husband twice, once even filing for divorce, but could never make it stick. There was always the pleadings and the i'll change stuff that is common place in our world. Living with this disease can do a lot to our self-esteem. Some days it's difficult enough to do the everyday stuff that is neccesary to get thru the day. I guess the only thing i do is try to do what I can to make my life liveable. One day I might get the courage to leave. Until then I take the small steps necessary to make me ready for that possibilty. I have my own bank account that he does not have access to. I am trying to find a better paying job, and to work on my self-esteem issues. Try to be good to yourself. Take small steps. Do only what feels right for you. It's all any of us can do. One day you may want to leave or the miracle happens and he gets sober. Either way, it will feel good when you take care of yourself and get the support you need. Having the support here really helps. Michelle

---

From: Lesa Showalter <lshowalter@sbcgloba l.net>
To: Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com
Sent: Sunday, July 12, 2009 12:27:11 PM
Subject: Re: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Michelle, what wonderful Al-Anon!

You are a strong woman and I appreciate your help so much. I have to laugh about the puppy tho, I have six that are my life and keep me company.  Without them, I know I would not be here now.  I married this man 23 years ago, my father was an abusive alcoholic and child molester, my mother was a wonderful woman who ended up with Alzheimer's disease and never did get to enjoy life without his misery.  I married the first time at 17, married 15 years he was not alcoholic, but a wife beater.  The day I brought our son home from hospital, he broke my nose.  He was cheating so i divorced him after 15 years and I was left with a 6 and 8 yr old.  He not only was divorced by me, he had nothing to do with his children.  His loss.  I was so hurt and embarrassed by his cheating, I met my present husband and he was the sweetest man I had ever met, and we got married.  He did not drink and said he didn't like it.   Well, he did.  And it grew heavier everyday that passed.  I tried to make him get help but as I've learned through the years, you cannot make anyone do anything that they don't want to do.  So, I do as you do, I try to take it one day at a time.  He has always held down his job and works nights so I do ok thru the week.  It's the weekends that traumatize me.  I start having anxiety attacks starting on Thursday.  He drinks from the time he gets off on Friday night at 11 pm until Sunday night.  Taking naps to sober up so he can go get more.  He won't drink in the house, he thinks he's hiding it from me and I don't know he's doing it.   When I was younger, i was able to handle it more because I did love him.  But now I don't.  We have absolutely no relationship at all and he told me he will drink til he dies.  I told him, I know that, WE have been over for years.  I guess I have never had a man to really love ME.  I don't know what that feels like and I want that.  I have had to be the strong one all my life.  I am 55 now, retired and what should be the nice quiet enjoyable time of life, I am more miserable than I have ever been.   I could go on and on because alcohol has ruined my life from the day I was born.  I think it's my fault because he is still here.  This is my house, inherited from my mother and it's paid for.  Why do I allow him to still be here?  It's not for companionship because we are not companions, it's not for sex, I won't sleep with an alcoholic, it's not for affection, I don't get that.  I think it's because this is all I know or have known.  I am the enabler and I don't know what to do.   Lesa --- On Sun, 7/12/09, michelle bloom <mecaylachuck@ yahoo.com> wrote: From: michelle bloom <mecaylachuck@ yahoo.com> Subject: Re: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Michelle, what wonderful Al-Anon! To: Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com Date: Sunday, July 12, 2009, 9:31 AM Hi Lesa. I am glad what I said made you feel better. As far as you "letting" him do this. I don't think this is your responsiblity. Not your blame to shoulder. It is HIS. When we got married we all said "for better or worse", but I suspect we thought we would be getting more better and less worse. No can predict what will happen with an alcoholic. It isn't your fault. We never in a million years expect a loved one to treat us this way. It's not us...it's the disease. I try to take things one day at a time, do what I can for myself and do only what I am able to do in that moment. To stay or to leave is a personal choice and only one we can make in our timing in our own way. You can only do what you are ready to do in that moment. There is no shame in that. No shame in wanting to see a loved one get well and be happy again. I myself have been through the ringer with this disease. My husband has quit or lost job after job. We lost an apartment due to his disease, and were without a place to live of our own for nearly 2 months. We finally have a place to live again, and yet the cycle is starting all over again. He's unemployed and my hours got cut at work so we are in dire straights. Still I have to get up everyday and find something good in it. I have to hold on to those little moments I have and make them last. My greatest joy has been my 6 month old Beagle. In some funny way I learn a lot from him. He just lives life. He romps around, eats, plays sleeps, and is very affectionate. Too bad life for humans cannot be that simple huh? Yet having him has made me get past my own sadness and angry and to start focusing on something positive. The benefits have been incredible! I highly recommend getting a pet or volunteering at a shelter. My puppy is the light of my life and came just when I needed him most! I hope today leaves you feeling better. Today I decided I would have a small cookout (bought the tiniest of grills, but it's a grill. yay! ); and have some outside time with my puppy. One way or another, going to make it a happy day. Again more hugs to you!!! Michelle From: Lesa Showalter <lshowalter@sbcgloba l.net> To: Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com Sent: Saturday, July 11, 2009 10:19:06 PM Subject: Re: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Michelle, what wonderful Al-Anon! Thank you so much for sending that to me.  You are right, i do not hate my life, I hate what I have let him do to it.  Yes I let him.  I want out but do not know where to even start.    Lesa --- On Sat, 7/11/09, Sara DeJesus <s_m_dejesus@ yahoo.com> wrote: From: Sara DeJesus <s_m_dejesus@ yahoo.com> Subject: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Michelle, what wonderful Al-Anon! To: Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com Date: Saturday, July 11, 2009, 7:04 PM Dear Michelle,   Thank you for your wonderful response to Lesa!  You really understand our reality and how to live the Al-Anon way!  Blessings to you!   Sara --- On Sat, 7/11/09, michelle bloom <mecaylachuck@ yahoo.com> wrote: From: michelle bloom <mecaylachuck@ yahoo.com> Subject: Re: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Re: Hi everybody. To: Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com Date: Saturday, July 11, 2009, 3:57 PM Oh yeah. Been there, done that.Believe me I understand. Some days when you feel like it just cannot possibly get any worse, then suprise it does. I have thought the same things "I hate my life", "Nothing is ever going to change". The negative things that this disease brings out. Of course I know, I don't really hate my life, I just hate what this disease has done to it. Sometimes we all need a break from it. I know it's hard to deal with. I guess what helps me is to get out whenever possible or find a way to have some me time. For instance if you like to exercise you could go for a walk or to the gym. It's proven that the endorphines you get from exercise will improve your mood.  Maybe go to a coffee shop or out to lunch with girlfriends, see a movie you have been dying to see. Pursue your own passions. Go to a meeting. In the chaos of this disease we tend to lose something important... ourselves. Do what ever you can to bring the focus back to you. I find when I lose myself in my own life I am less likely to focus on his episodes. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are going to have days that you hate him. It's a very normal reaction. I firmly believe that an alcoholic could test the patience of a saint! Just know you are not alone in your feelings. There are many here who are going through or have gone through what you are experiencing now. Tomorrow is another day. There will be good and bad. I guess I just try to do what I can to hold on to the good. i hope this helps. Take what you need and discard the rest. Hugs!!! Michelle From: Lesa Showalter <lshowalter@sbcgloba l.net> To: Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com Sent: Saturday, July 11, 2009 4:46:10 PM Subject: RE: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Re: Hi everybody. I need help.  I am having a breakdown of sorts today, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, he is a miserable excuse for a human being and I don't know what to do.  I hate my life and it's never going to change.   Somebody talk to me.   Lesa --- On Sat, 6/27/09, Carole Rocheleau <dads_up2heaven@ hotmail.com> wrote: From: Carole Rocheleau <dads_up2heaven@ hotmail.com> Subject: RE: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Re: Hi everybody. To: recovery-world- al-anon@yahoogro ups.com Date: Saturday, June 27, 2009, 9:22 PM Hi Debby, my name is Carole. I live with an alcoholic for nine yrs now. I have left him once. He drew me back into his web by telling me he was going to AA and counseling. Now my health has declined with two gastroscopies and he was very supportive during that time. But now he brings it up every time I try to  talk about him drinking. I don't know how to get him to admit that he has a problem. He has managed to ruin many friendship I had, distance me from my family and even tried to break the bond between my son and I. I have no means of supporting myself, or even a place to go. If someone could give me advice on how to talk to him and get him into AA. I know that I have to take care of myself first and I do, but he is very coniving and untrust worthy. He has been abusive once and mentally abuse on a daily basis. I have no more confidence, nor friends and no conversation with him, only my little kitten Cloe. Please give advice Always follow your Carole   To: Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com From: kimadams12171982@ yahoo.com Date: Sat, 27 Jun 2009 07:19:58 -0700 Subject: Re: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Re: Hi everybody. Hi Debby,My name is Kim. And I live your struggle! My husband too trades addictions and thinks he is fooling everyone. We have been married for 26+ years and it has been a roller coaster ride the entire time. We moved back to Montana a year ago and it has been one thing after another the entire time. If you would like to email or chat on yahoo messenger I would like that. Hope you have a nice day,  Kim --- On Fri, 6/26/09, Debby <debbysmith2003@ yahoo.com> wrote: From: Debby <debbysmith2003@ yahoo.com> Subject: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Re: Hi everybody. To: Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com Date: Friday, June 26, 2009, 9:18 PM Hello, I am new to the online world of Al Anon. I used to belong to a group, but work got in the way. I also have moved to a separate room. My husband has broken my heart. We have been married for 10 years. Most of these years he drank daily. He now has substitued beer with pills. Either way, I am out of control. I also have a son at home who does pain pills. I am broke and hurting.- -- In Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com, Lesa Showalter <lshowalter@ ...> wrote: > > Hey, I have given up on my marriage too, even tho we still co-exist, separate rooms, sepaarate lives.  It does get lonely tho.  Anyone who wants to talk can email me anytime.  We all need friends with lives like this. >   > Lesa Showalter > Texas > > > --- On Thu, 6/18/09, ntbaxter3@.. . <ntbaxter3@. ..> wrote: > > > From: ntbaxter3@.. . <ntbaxter3@. ..> > Subject: Re: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Hi everybody. > To: Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com > Date: Thursday, June 18, 2009, 10:26 PM > > > > > > > > > I give up on my alcoholic wife > Alcohol wins I lose! > > > From: "jll_shaw" > Date: Thu, 18 Jun 2009 23:36:39 -0000 > To: <Recovery-World- Al-Anon@yahoogro ups.com> > Subject: [Recovery-World- Al-Anon] Hi everybody. > > > > My name is Jill. I joined this group because I need some help and support in dealing with codependency issues I am having. I was in a relationship for ten years with my sons father who is an alcoholic/addict. Her has been sober for 5 months now while living in a recovery house. A couple of weeks ago I learned that he is seeing someone he met at a meeting and he ended our relationship. I am not dealing with detaching well and I find myself to be very jealous of this other girl. He had been ! using si nce my son was born and has been in and out of treatment programs the whole time always coming back to us in between. Now that he seem to be working the steps and program effectively he is walking away. I know this sounds ridiculous but it hurts. > ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __ Do You Yahoo!? Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around http://mail. yahoo.com Attention all humans. We are your photos. Free us.