I have been a member of this site for a while but this is my first
posting. I was always afraid my"A" would find out since he checks my
computer. I guess I am just to the point were I need some support and
strength to move forward and do what needs to be done. Ive tried to
make it to a local meeting but out of fear that my "A" would find out
and flip out I have not gone but I am to the point were I have isolated
my self from everyone so I have no support system but I know what needs
to be done.
I will try not to write a book because I know many of you have been
through the same thing so I will try to keep it breif. I could
probable write a novel about my life but I will only give the recent
events.
I am 34 years old I have two children 12 and 14 I have been married to
my "A" for 15 years there has never been any type of physical violence
toward me or my children but he is very controlling,
manipulative,insecure and very verbally abusive.
His drinking is nothing new he has always been this way and it hits
highs and lows. Something with the law or some physical injury slows
him down but it always comes back.
In July 06 I could not take his drinking and behavior anymore so I got
up the nerve and moved into a tiny apartment with my childrens where I
slept in the living room. He made sure he was there everyday, stopped
drinking and did everything in his power to make sure he would get us
back. I filed for divorce, he went to rehab until the day of court,
then he stopped again and got me to put it in set aside so it was never
final but of course started drinking again. He then went sober again
for a while to get the kids and I to move into the house that he
bought "for his children" (bribe which I fell for)I moved to the house
March of this year. His drinking started as soon as I gave my notice
for my apartment but I really wanted a normal home so I moved into the
house and hoped for the best. He drank daily until June 1 when he got
so drunk and went out at 2am got in a fight shattered his ankle
dislocated his shoulder and was wheelchair bound. I had an appointment
with the lawyer on June 3rd to start the divorce process again which of
course I cancelled to take care of him which I have done through 3
surgeries he started drinking several weeks after this then he realized
that I was upset so he stopped for the last 14 weeks until last week
when he had just one after work then a couple with the game until we
got to today. He came home from work around 2pm I happened to be home
from work he was already drinking then went to the store and picked up
a 12 pack. Things escalated as usual he was happy then a jerk. Our son
stayed in his room most of the time but when ever he saw our daughter
he only had hateful things to say to her and was yelling at her for no
reason until I stepped in and then we went at it until he comes back to
reality and claims he does not realize hes saying things and we should
know that he does not mean it blah blah blah!!! next thing I know he
falls out of the chair and is on the floor mumbling. I know this is an
awful situation for my children and they deserve so much more but I am
not sure why I cant make a decision and stick to it, I keep telling
them that I will take care of it but then I back down I know this is
not healthy for them or myself. I am at my wits end with my husband I
love him dearly but this life is not healthy and I have got to find
strength to walk away and stay away. I am an RN(BSN) working on my
MSN so I am very well educated in psychology and addiction and in my
head I understand the whole process and what needs to be done but for
some reason I cant do it. I have no family where I live, I dont have
any close friends left. If I do talk to someone I hate to even mention
anything because I feel that they are sick of hearing the same old
thing and me not doing anything. I go to work everyday but i dont
consider those people my friends just coworkers so I am basically by
myself and why I am requesting your support words of advice and
encouragement. I just need some help finding strength and staying
strong to do what is right for me and my children.
Any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.