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Hi,
First, I’d like to apologize for my last sharing—if there
is call for it being either lengthy or unattractive.
I so appreciate Kara’s sharing. Presently I am struggling
in so many ways; but one of the deepest struggles is accepting that the
decision to let go of my husband is the best for me. His selfishness and
self-centeredness was destroying me. My hopes and dreams kept me hoping
that the light would go on. So, in reality I had expectations that kept
leading to disappointments. It has been difficult to accept that I made
another poor choice and once again get to pay the price, picking up the pieces
of my unrealistic expectations.
Since I grew up in an abandoned state and always left alone as a
child, feeling unloved, I have come to realize that my whole life has been
about finding that tenderness, kindness and loving person to give back what I’ve
always find easy to give, especially in a man since I lacked nurturing as a
baby, as a child and later as an adolescent. So, the warm fuzzy hope of having
someone reciprocate in a relationship was missing a key ingredient—my learning
to love myself in a healthy way, in order to start the pattern of seeking
healthy relationships.
And now, when more than half of my life is history, my challenge
is to get back on track, accept my solitude in order to really learn to
appreciate, what I’ve been so angry about no one appreciating before—ME.
While my tapes tell me that there is no one to take care of me in a reciprocating
partnership, there is still my Higher Power who is willing to do so. And
I get to focus on my HP and learning to trust His best for me, while he teaches
me to love myself in order to have the hope of trusting my choices in the
future. My best thinking got me into the Al-Anon rooms back in 1987. And
here I am like a new comer one more time, struggling to accept that at my age, I’ve
been terminated by a temporary to permanent agency (employment) assignment.
(Reasons are beyond me….but that is another issue.) And trust me, it
doesn’t feel good. What is the point? The point is that it is
tempting to run to my husband where there is a house and insanity waiting—all
because it is familiar and I want to run away to the allusion of safety….
Yet all it is, is an illusion.
My safety net is in my HP and learning to love myself in order
to lead me to sanity.
By the way, I don’t recall where the site is to edit my information
related to this particular group. Can someone send me that pls?
Thnx,
Boricua
From:
Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com
[mailto:Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of Kara
DeMorro
Sent: Friday, October 10, 2008 7:39 AM
To: recovery-world-al-anon@yahoogroups.com
Subject: RE: [Recovery-World-Al-Anon] Re: intro
Lady Olwen:
I know your pain and anguish all too well. My husband has done many
destructive things to me and our relationship that it was too much for me to
handle and I had to file divorce papers for my own sanity. I just filed
about two months ago. I was with him for two years and we have been
married for a little under a year...I thought things would get better and
he would change once we were married but Boy was I so WRONG! Being
married to him made him think he was entitled to things, that he could
take more from me because I was his wife. He barely held a job and when
he did there were times "pay day" that I got sharp gut feelings that
when I came home from work he wouldnt be there and I was right - he was off
boozing, spending his entire paycheck rather than supporting our family and our
bills. He created debt for me that I am now facing alone and he stole
money from my son's piggy bank not once but TWICE!! The pain is just too
unbearable and my spirit, heart and soul have been broken to pieces BUT I have
faith in the lord that I will get through this and become stronger from
it. They dont change, especially when they dont want to - they may say
they do but it is only to please us...if they dont do it for themselves and
truly want it - it will NEVER happen. They are selfish and committ
selfish acts. You did the right thing by letting him go...it will be hard
its never easy letting someone go because you have to rather than you wanting
to. I didnt want to let him go but I felt I had to in order to save
myself from his destruction. Time will heal. and You are right - No
trust - no relationship.
Sending my best to you and May God Bless You.
Kara
To: Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com
From: ladyolwen@...
Date: Thu, 9 Oct 2008 18:51:57 -0400
Subject: Re: [Recovery-World-Al-Anon] Re: intro
Dear Niloo;
I thank you for your warm response!
I finally had the chance to sit down and answer you and the
group. I am not currently online at home and must go to the local library for
that. For the last week, the library has been having problems with its server
and that has delayed my writing to all of you.
Last weekend, my partner finally paid what he owed for the
September rent and that was combined with both our halves of the October rent.
I also bought $150 worth of groceries. I sealed the rent in an envelope and put
it in a kitchen drawer. I told him NOT to touch it and that the landlord would
be coming to pick it up. He said that he'd meet me later after a nap and never
showed up. I went out for the afternoon.
At dinnertime while walking home I felt a tremendous
sense of foreboding and like crying. I didn't know why. When I arrived home, he
greeted me and said that he had bad news. J had taken $50 out of the rent money
envelope for "walking" money. I was SO angry and hurt! I trusted
him this time! I then caught him taking beer out of the fridge and trying to
hide it from me, by quickly going out the back door.
My stomach started to cramp up - like it has each
time the rent is due. I told him to pack his things and leave, or I'd be
contacting the police. He did so, all the while telling me I was insane and
making other verbally abusive comments - which just rolled off my back. I heard
through the grapevine that he is staying at a male friend's place, but he only
has a studio apartment. It would cost more for him to rent a room than it did
for him to live with me!
I am free of him and will NOT look back. I asked for and was
given the key to the apartment back. I don't feel sad, but rather a great sense
of relief. The six weeks we spent apart in the spring was the first time I
booted him out and was in retrospect, a trial run. My health is already
beginning to return and the lack of stress is something I haven't experienced
in such a long time.
Blessings all,
Olwen )O(
There is no relationship without trust
niloopanjwani <npanjwani@...>
wrote:
Dearest Olwen,
Reading your story really made me go back to many many days ... months
and maybe some years also. It all sounds so familiar...
I am Niloo and I live in India ... a country where the man is supposed
to be the doer ... carer and provider.... wonder where all that came
from .. and we have been brought up with the women sitting at home not
even going to work specially some years ago... I was married 26 years
ago. The drinking still happens every night....
The marriage was arranged by my parents as is the custom in our country
and we had to find our love for each other and then make it grow ...
difficult task at times. At first there were dreams and hopes which
took many years to die and now I am grateful whenever he does provide
and whenever he does not grateful to my higher power for providing me
enough for the family. I suppose the higher power is definitely the
provider everyday. I was financially very low when I came into the
programme many years ago but the higher power opened many new doors and
opportunities..... I grab them when they come my way ....
It has been my choice and decision to live along with my husband and
stay together inspite of everything ... have learnt to be grateful for
the good in him since I am sure everyone has some good in each oneself
and also know that I am not all good always.
Just wanted to share my little story.... life goes on and gives us many
joys also.
Do keep in touch .... my mail id is npanjwani@....
Take lots of care
with loads of love
Niloo
--- In Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com, "Lady Olwen"
wrote:
>
> I have known my partner for a decade and lived with him for two years.
> He had Hepatitis C, but was cured of it before he moved in, after a
> year of drug treatment - but he STILL drinks! He is an alcoholic and
in
> denial.
>
> I knew that years ago, but thought I could change him - silly me! In
> March, I kicked him out for being verbally abusive and it wasn't the
> first time. After six weeks, I took him back - fool that I was.
>
> I can never rely on him to have his share of the rent (utilities
> included) and he rarely spends money on grocery shopping. This past
> week, he began a new full-time job, for which he must arise at 4:30
am.
>
> He is thankfully too tired to drink and/or go out after work.I can
> manage my home financially on my own, but it would be tight. I will be
> going to college for eight months in January. After that, I'll have a
> really well compensated job.
>
> If the rent is late one more time, I will tell him to leave. My name
is
> the only one on the lease. It's just too emotionally draining to have
> to worry about this every month. I have a wonderful 12yo daughter from
> another relationship.
>
> Blessings,
> Olwen )O(
>
------------------------------------
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