Lady Olwen:
 
I know your pain and anguish all too well.  My husband has done many destructive things to me and our relationship that it was too much for me to handle and I had to file divorce papers for my own sanity.  I just filed about two months ago.  I was with him for two years and we have been married for a little under a year...I thought things would get better and he would change once we were married but Boy was I so WRONG!  Being married to him made him think he was entitled to things,  that he could take more from me because I was his wife.  He barely held a job and when he did there were times "pay day" that I got sharp gut feelings that when I came home from work he wouldnt be there and I was right - he was off boozing, spending his entire paycheck rather than supporting our family and our bills.  He created debt for me that I am now facing alone and he stole money from my son's piggy bank not once but TWICE!!  The pain is just too unbearable and my spirit, heart and soul have been broken to pieces BUT I have faith in the lord that I will get through this and become stronger from it.  They dont change, especially when they dont want to - they may say they do but it is only to please us...if they dont do it for themselves and truly want it - it will NEVER happen.  They are selfish and committ selfish acts.  You did the right thing by letting him go...it will be hard its never easy letting someone go because you have to rather than you wanting to.  I didnt want to let him go but I felt I had to in order to save myself from his destruction.  Time will heal.  and You are right - No trust - no relationship. 
 
Sending my best to you and May God Bless You.
 
Kara

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To: Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com
From: ladyolwen@...
Date: Thu, 9 Oct 2008 18:51:57 -0400
Subject: Re: [Recovery-World-Al-Anon] Re: intro

Dear Niloo;

 

I thank you for your warm response!

 

I finally had the chance to sit down and answer you and the group. I am not currently online at home and must go to the local library for that. For the last week, the library has been having problems with its server and that has delayed my writing to all of you.

 

Last weekend, my partner finally paid what he owed for the September rent and that was combined with both our halves of the October rent. I also bought $150 worth of groceries. I sealed the rent in an envelope and put it in a kitchen drawer. I told him NOT to touch it and that the landlord would be coming to pick it up. He said that he'd meet me later after a nap and never showed up. I went out for the afternoon.

 

At dinnertime while walking home I felt a tremendous sense of foreboding and like crying. I didn't know why. When I arrived home, he greeted me and said that he had bad news. J had taken $50 out of the rent money envelope for "walking" money. I was SO angry and hurt! I trusted him this time! I then caught him taking beer out of the fridge and trying to hide it from me, by quickly going out the back door.

 

My stomach started to cramp up - like it has each time the rent is due. I told him to pack his things and leave, or I'd be contacting the police. He did so, all the while telling me I was insane and making other verbally abusive comments - which just rolled off my back. I heard through the grapevine that he is staying at a male friend's place, but he only has a studio apartment. It would cost more for him to rent a room than it did for him to live with me!

 

I am free of him and will NOT look back. I asked for and was given the key to the apartment back. I don't feel sad, but rather a great sense of relief. The six weeks we spent apart in the spring was the first time I booted him out and was in retrospect, a trial run. My health is already beginning to return and the lack of stress is something I haven't experienced in such a long time.

 

Blessings all,

Olwen )O( 

 

There is no relationship without trust

 

niloopanjwani <npanjwani@hotmail.com> wrote:

Dearest Olwen,

Reading your story really made me go back to many many days ... months
and maybe some years also. It all sounds so familiar...

I am Niloo and I live in India ... a country where the man is supposed
to be the doer ... carer and provider.... wonder where all that came
from .. and we have been brought up with the women sitting at home not
even going to work specially some years ago... I was married 26 years
ago. The drinking still happens every night....

The marriage was arranged by my parents as is the custom in our country
and we had to find our love for each other and then make it grow ...
difficult task at times. At first there were dreams and hopes which
took many years to die and now I am grateful whenever he does provide
and whenever he does not grateful to my higher power for providing me
enough for the family. I suppose the higher power is definitely the
provider everyday. I was financially very low when I came into the
programme many years ago but the higher power opened many new doors and
opportunities..... I grab them when they come my way ....

It has been my choice and decision to live along with my husband and
stay together inspite of everything ... have learnt to be grateful for
the good in him since I am sure everyone has some good in each oneself
and also know that I am not all good always.

Just wanted to share my little story.... life goes on and gives us many
joys also.

Do keep in touch .... my mail id is npanjwani@hotmail.com.

Take lots of care
with loads of love
Niloo

--- In Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com, "Lady Olwen"
wrote:
>
> I have known my partner for a decade and lived with him for two years.
> He had Hepatitis C, but was cured of it before he moved in, after a
> year of drug treatment - but he STILL drinks! He is an alcoholic and
in
> denial.
>
> I knew that years ago, but thought I could change him - silly me! In
> March, I kicked him out for being verbally abusive and it wasn't the
> first time. After six weeks, I took him back - fool that I was.
>
> I can never rely on him to have his share of the rent (utilities
> included) and he rarely spends money on grocery shopping. This past
> week, he began a new full-time job, for which he must arise at 4:30
am.
>
> He is thankfully too tired to drink and/or go out after work.I can
> manage my home financially on my own, but it would be tight. I will be
> going to college for eight months in January. After that, I'll have a
> really well compensated job.
>
> If the rent is late one more time, I will tell him to leave. My name
is
> the only one on the lease. It's just too emotionally draining to have
> to worry about this every month. I have a wonderful 12yo daughter from
> another relationship.
>
> Blessings,
> Olwen )O(
>



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