-Cindy, I was in love with a crack addict once, and felt like I would
die from the pain when we broke up.
I now remind myself that I didn't, and when I look back on the
insanity that was our life, I can't imagine what I thought I was going
to miss.
Yes, it's true we can love Alcoholics and addicts,and when they leave,
we are left with a huge hole, because we are so used to the drama.
Try replacing your loneliness with something that is good for YOU.
Take a class,take up a musical instrument or different language.Read a
good book... I highly recommend "Co Dependent No More", by Melodie
Beattie.It was like my bible with the crack addict.
Now, here I am again, in love with an alcoholic, but at least now I am
taking steps to take care of ME. I am in my last year of college,
where I will have a Bachelors in Science degree in Behavioral Science.
If he doesn't stay sober, I can leave.I can get a great job, I can
have friends, go to the movies, read a book, watch a sunset.
I promise, that empty feeling goes away. Hopefully, you are left with
some fond memories, but if you aren't then what's the point of it all?
Life is to short to not be as happy as we can be...
My friend Laurie died last year from alcoholism.It was such a waste
and a tragedy, but no one, except for herself, could have saved
her.Believe me, we all tried...
I PROMISE you, the pain really does fade. It just takes TIME.



-- In Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com, Cynthia DeCesare
<cynrose75@...> wrote:
>
>
> When does the emptyness go away? the last time i did this, it was so
I could get clean and i packed up and moved thousands of miles away.
now i through him out of MY house and everywhere i look, i see him. I
tryed to pack up everything and dropped it by with the people hes
staying with but i cant eat, cant sleep. Im terrified for him more
than i miss him. i think it would be easier if he just left, but this
love affair hes having with drugs is tearing me apart. I felt
empowered while i was packing his things and really positive, then
half way to drop them off I fell apart. I just want to force him to
see what hes doing to us and the financial position hes put us in and
how much hes crushed me but he doesnt care and i know this. he blames
me for everything because its easier than looking at himself. but that
doesnt make it any easier. it seems every day gets harder and more
painful to bare.Cyndi Rose
>
>
> To: Recovery-World-Al-Anon@...: dabidzi@...: Mon, 11 Feb 2008
19:35:44 -0800Subject: RE: [Recovery-World-Al-Anon] Re: Lost In NY
>
>
>
>
> Hang in there Cindy... You are making the right decisions, and you
are clear about your boundaries... Those boundaries are important for
you. You deserve them so much. If you are in danger (physically or
emotionally) it is always ok to protect and take care of yourself.
keep the focus on you. i know what it's like to love someone. in my
case, i know that we shouldn't be together. when we were together it
wasn't healthy for either of us. But all that i needed was that it
wasn't healthy for me. finally i was ready to step away from the
relationship. i still feel sad sometimes. other times i feel grateful.
other times i just feel lucky that i am not in the relationship
anymore.every situation is different, so keep writing to us if it
clarifies your mind. we care. that's all we can do. and sometimes
caring can go a long ways. and sometime inaction can go a long ways...
trust yourself in your decisions. listen to what your gut is telling
you... try to listen what's at the core of what you want...Take
care,KiraCynthia DeCesare <cynrose75@...> wrote:
>
>
> I just wanted to jump in and say something here. im fairly new to
this forum, my husband had a major relapse last year that sent the
whole family in a tailspin and i felt so naive that it was going on
right under my nose for 4 months and i knew SOMETHING was going on i
just couldnt pinpoint what until he finally ran out of lies and told
me. so weve been rebuilding for the last year, i sent him to detox and
stood by his side because that is what i do. At one point years ago i
joined him in his addiction (i know this is al-anon, please forgive me
but i must be candid for my own sanity- if there is another group more
focused on addiction i would welcome some redirection) then left him,
I moved 6 states away with our daughter, divorced him, got clean and
stayed that way. 3 years later after he had been working on himself
for almost that long we starting working on our relationship again,
sorry for the timeframe being all over the place but that is where i
am right now. This brings me to the present. Ive just asked (not so
nicely) him to leave our house because his outbursts and violence are
scaring all of us. He hasnt admitted it yet but i know he using again,
he started right where he left off a year ago and it has snowballed.
He said he was paying the bills, lie. Now im in debt up to my eyeballs
and hes taken his very large income tax return to his dealer instead
of paying the utilities and mortgage, taxes, etc. and my job barely
puts food on the table. I know i need to stay strong for the kids,
they are now old enough to understand whats going on (to a certian
extent) and how can i teach them that those behaviors are unacceptable
if i continue to let him act that way and more importantly TREAT US
THAT WAY. I dont want my daughter growing up thinking its ok to let a
man scream and yell at her, break things and tell her its all her
fault, so why am i letting her dad do it to me? how can i stop loving
him? I want to and i know i need to let him do this himself but im
terrified hell try to kill himself AGAIN (everytime he goes on a
bender the depression kicks in). Thanks for letting me vent. Right now
im so empty and lost,Cyndi Rose
>
>
> To: Recovery-World-Al-Anon@...: dabidzi@...: Sun, 10 Feb 2008
20:54:21 -0800Subject: Re: [Recovery-World-Al-Anon] Re: Lost In NY
>
>
> Thanks for sharing your courage with us, Nolee.Even in my case, my A
is sober, but it's not enough.He's making progress, and he has a good
heart, butwhere he's at isn't healthy for me. He goes up anddown with
depression/ anger/ and so on... He's become so much more mindful and
aware, but ittakes time for things to change. He's doing all theright
things, i belive (or at least a lot of them),but i know that i can
only encourage him, and nomatter who i am, it's not going to make his
depressiongo away... that has to come from him. and it'sprobably
helpful for him to be single and focus onhimself.when he's with me, he
doesn't feel the need to makefriends. isolation is one of his
problems. now that weare apart, he's trying to make friends, and
that'shealthy. Also, when he's with me, he feels an excessive amountof
guilt when he takes his anger out on me or is meanto me in any way.
that often ends up being a positivefeedback cycle.
(anger-->guilt-->more anger-->moreguilt) There's simply less pressure
when we're nottogether.And although i miss him often, I remember
thatoverall, I am happier than when he was my boyfriend.There is still
up and down in our friendship, but ithink that i gain mostly strength
from it now... butthat's something i'm still trying to figure out.
hisdepression does get me down... (or my reaction to
it,anyways)...Take care, and good night,Kira--- nolee965
<nolee965@...> wrote:> I agree with Michelle and Ying. After reading
your> post, I recollect > the feelings of the day I moved out... great
sense> of loss, and > confusion. Focus is important...I also
remembered> having to write > myself reminders, a letter that
encouraged me to> remember why I was > doing this. My reasons were for
my children and in> this letter > detailing their needs, as well as,a
reminder about> the one I love and > am mourning, is not the one I
fell in love with. > The addiction > robbed us of this relationship,
and until the> addiction is dealt with > and removed, it is not a
place of safety as I once> believed it to be.> > Over a short time, my
children came forward with the> recognition > between the difference
of what they thought was> normal life living > with the addiction in
the home, and living without> it. It was very > comforting to see my
children experience a healthier> way of life, and > to hear they now
see their father has addiction> issues. > > I know that this longing
for that person you love> subsides in time. > In my case, we were
together 25 years, apart now> almost 2, and I > still long for him
often, but it is clearer to me,> and I am much more > solid in my walk
as the knowledge that it cannot be> as he still has > not dealt with
his addiction, and I do not need to> feel obligated to > wait for him
anymore. If he was attending AA or> making major > changes, then this
may be a different situation, but> in my case it is > not. > Once I
started working and supporting myself and the> children, (the > system
helped me get a lot of things in order> financially and legaly > as
well) he too had to take responsibility in this,> it actually >
created a better lifestyle financially that we lived> under competing
> with the addiction. The kids were happier, had a> healthier happier
> mom in their life, and one that was striving for a> healthy example
in > their lives. > Keep strong girl... your kids watch your every
move,> and as a mom, I > relate most of what we do is for our children
and> will always be this > way...> I know how hard it is to make
yourself wake up each> day and look for > a reason to get up and fight
slipping back into bed> to sleep so the > day would pass....or to just
make your mind stop> reeling from your > thoughts of "am I doing the
right thing?" or> shutting off the pain > you feel emotionally.> I
even found the courage to tell him, " I cannot> help you. This >
addiction you have has made our family fall apart. > It is up to you >
to deal with this addiction for yourself, so that> you can be a >
better, healthier father. Don't do it for us,> because you must do it
> for you, as you have children that are looking up to> you. Strive to
> be the best example you can be...for you and your> children."> >
Sometimes, I find myself scared, and just feel like> there is too much
> that has to be done, and I don't want to do it> anymore... and I
begin > to feel sorry for myself.... but I have to snap out> of it,
and get it > together and push through that phase, as it too will>
pass... > > I have been taking a course online for over a year,> and
it was only > an 8 month course.... I have had many hurdles hit> all
at once... and > I just had to take it one step at a time, and keep>
on keeping on... > hopefully, this course will be able to be
completed> in the next 3 or > 4 months, but I am doing what I can as I
can, day by> day. My life is > progressing slowly but surely and I am
learning to> walk again step by > step.> > Hugs and Prayers> > Nolee>
> --- In Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com,> "mheim33" >
<mheim33@> wrote:> >> > Hi> > I am more confused than ever today. My
husband> found an apartment > > and is moving out today. Although it
is a relief> to me I am very > sad > > today. I worry about him so
much and I know that I> am going to miss > > him. Apart of me wants to
tell him I changed my> mind and please > dont > > go but the bigger
part of me knows this is for the> best for myself, > > my children and
him. Why am i so sad and feel like> i am going to > > fall apart? Is
this feeling normal or am i finally> losing my mind?> > > > Margie> >
> > --- In Recovery-World-Al-Anon@yahoogroups.com,> ying shanhua > >
<dabidzi@> wrote:> > >> > > Hi Margie,> > > > > > Having a time limit
is good. It's important for> him to> > > know you're serious. take
care of yourself and> do> > > anything you need to do differently for
that> time,> > > whether it's taking the kids to do something out> of>
> > the house on the weekends or evenings... or> whatever.> > > > > >
and definitely keep writing. write any time, and> let> > > this be a
place to clarify your mind if you need> that> > > too.> > > > > > Take
care and I wish you strenght and serenity,> > > kira> > > --- Marjorie
Heim <mheim33@> wrote:> > > > > > > Thank you all so much for your
support. I am a> > > > person who feels that I can save the world. I>
want> > > > to help everyone but I"ve come to realize as> my mom> > >
> says THere is a God and I'm not it. I've> learned> > > > alot from
my mom about alcoholics as she has> been> > > > sober for many years
and my second job is> working> > > > at an Alcohol & Drug Counseling
facility. I> think> > > > that when i started working there was when
I> started> > > > to see his behaviors and my behaviors of> enabling>
> > > him more clearly. Right now my husband is> still in> > > > my
home, he has asked for me to give him time> to> > > > find a place but
he has turned downed> everything so> > > > far for one reason or
another. I feel terrible> but> > > > I've had to give him a time limit
as it is> very> > > > difficult to see his sadness everyday and to>
see> > > > what i am doing to him. Again I want to thank> you> > > >
all for listening to me and encouraging me. > > > > > > > > Margie> >
> > > > > > ying shanhua <dabidzi@> wrote:> > > > I'm also really
sorry to hear about> your> === message truncated
===__________________________________________________________Be a
better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it
now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ
>
> Helping your favorite cause is as easy as instant messaging. You IM,
we give. Learn more.
>
>
>
> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.
Try it now.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Climb to the top of the charts! Play the word scramble challenge
with star power.
>
http://club.live.com/star_shuffle.aspx?icid=starshuffle_wlmailtextlink_jan
>