Hi Jackalene.

I read your message and let me tell you this... you are not being abusive by
standing up for yourself. I would feel so guilty for standing up to my partner.
Whenever I did, I fell into his trap and he'd turn around and say that I was
aggressive. That I wanted to wear the pants in the relationship and didn't know
how to act like a woman.

The difference here is that he did what he did to control you. You are standing
up for yourself. Albeit it is not the best approach, and under other
circumstances, it would be wrong. Anger is an emotion. It's a way for those
who understand it to know that something is wrong. Your inner self is telling
you that something is wrong with the situation at hand. Don't beat up on
yourself.

Most of us have been there. Believe me.

Sending love and peace...
Saba.
--- In Psychopathsgroup@yahoogroups.com, "Jackalene" <sunnydayzeahead@...>
wrote:
>
> I have been married(my second marriage) to my spouse for six year. when we
first me...he was wonderful..attentive, loving, fun,exciting,..honestly...the
perfect person.....there were shades of emotional manipulation i had
noticed..but...all the wonderful things seemed to balance it all out...The day
we were married.(a very simple ceremony..only parents and witnesses) we were to
meet for lunch...to steal a few special momments before our lifelong
commitment...i waited for him to show up..for over an hour..called his cell..no
answer..an hour before the ceremony...he called and said how excited he was to
see me..and brought me a pair of diamond earings..when i asked where he was for
lunch..he blew up..saying how he was out doing somthing nice for me, then said
he regretted it since i was giving the third degree.i was so confused..and felt
guilty for asking after recieving the earings so i said nothing.........wedding
went fine..he did not want to be intimate that nite, nor the next five
years..with the exception of approximately five times....during the five year
span...verbally he came insultive...i just ignored it...then he started ignoring
me...i thought i was doing somthing wrong..so i strived sooo hard to be "better"
at everything for him...i only seemed to agrivate him further..yet still i
begged..and pleaded for his love..and attention..which seemed to empower him
further..finally after 4 years he moved out..telling me he was giving me three
months to get my self together...and after i did that he would come back...i did
everything he asked..and he stayed gone ...for an entire year...the whole
time..he would not answer my calls..but he would call me...he would not open his
door..unless he invited me over..his place was a pigsty...i would clean it..he
was broke..i bought him food..and cooked for several meals weekly... daily..i
would cry..asking if he was being unfaithful..he would tell me..in cold hard
words yes i love you..now shut up...no i am not screwing around on you..now shut
up or i will...it all seems like a whirlwind....he moved back..and it is worse
than ever..we live in a home that my parents bought for my inheritance...he will
not leave...and threatens me if i kick him out and divorce him..he will take
half the house..and anything else i have..which is not much..as my first husband
took everything when he left...
> the last year..when my husband and i argue....i have begun being sooo nasty
verbally...i have started speaking in a way that shocks me..it is exactly how he
speaks to me...but that is him...and now..i have turned into
that.....omg...where can i get supports...to get the strenghth to get him
out...and keep him out..adn stop my abusive behaviors...i hate myself soo much
right now for lowering myself to this level..and for loosing myself to this
"man"
>