The Urge to Volley with the N:
The Ping Pong Match
By KyraJames



Imagine this is as the scenario right now. A ping-pong match. You on one side, and the n on the other. The ball represents your power. So, the n hoovers, or sends something your way that makes you question what he is saying, what meaning it has- whether it is really directed at you. You try to make sense of it. N has just smashed the ball into your court. The ball is your power. What do you do? Do you respond? If you do respond, you hit the ball back. He either ignores, and keeps the ball for a little while, leaving you behind, and wondering what has gone on- or he hits it back- with a load of more nonsensical word salad, or devaluing statement. You feel devalued, and hurt, but the ball goes back to him. Each time that you hit the ball out, it comes back hard and hits you where it hurts.

You don't realize at the time that you ARE in a ping-pong match, and you are competing with the n. The n wants validation of it's existence, it wants validation of each and every set of it's behaviours in it's pathology. The n wants validation that it is entitled to your undevoted attention.
You are competing with the n, because you want to understand WHY it is treating you this way, why do they think you deserve this treatment- every ball that you hit to the n- is you fighting back, defending your rights.

You want to be validated, too, but you want to know that YOU as a person matter. That they recognize you.

But, with every ball that goes out, smashing the n with more force- it always comes back and hurts as much, if not more than before. Every time you compete, the n is victorious.

It is when you finally, put down your bat and leave the table that the game ends. The n can keep playing for years, and never tire of hitting that ball back. It can seep every single little bit of power away from you each time- because you still acknowledge it's existence.

When you walk away from the table- is when you truly win.

© 2009
by Kyra James