Tips for Targets

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"Abused women aren't "codependent." It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships."
Excerpt: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft

"Contrary to popular myth, abusers do not suffer from anger management problems. They manage their anger just fine --
whenever there are witnesses." from a Dear Abby column 2002

"Finally, after 5 years of being played like a marionette, I wisely looked up and saw the strings. I began to study my puppet master and watch carefully-formulated patterns emerge to have me dance in a particular direction."
A Member's Quote

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Since they do not process their own emotions, they don't have a clue when it come to understanding emotions in others. They do the worst with partners who are highly emotional and insist on sharing feelings and who try to make the Repressor responsible for their anxiety that remains when there is no clear cut solution to the problem. They do best in relationships with a partner who leaves them alone and who does not insist on their engaging in continual emotional discussion. They do best of all with a partner who does not need closure on problems and has the ability to sweep conflict under the rug, however that rarely happens as they more likely to choose partners who are in touch with their feelings.
Defence Mechanisms that Affect Relationships by Lynne Namka, D. Ed.
http://www.byregion.net/articles-healers/Defense_Mechanisms.html


A person with a character disorder is unlikely to change. They're not good candidates for therapy in that they lack insight and stop therapy once confronted. The condition is deeply rooted in the person and usually in spite of their best intentions; they tend to return in 3-6 months to their `baseline", or core behavior.
95 Traits of Character Disorders by J. Kent Griffiths DSW
http://drkentgriffiths.com/information
/character_disorder_h.html


Are you suggesting my spouse hid his true self? Intentionally?
Yes, but you had a role too. You entered the relationship susceptible to accepting him at face-value; susceptible to "idealizing him," ignoring his flaws, the signs of lurking trouble. This doesn't exonerate him: remember, he wanted you to think he was someone he wasn't. He never was the original, promising blueprint.
What's Wrong With My Spouse? by Steve Becker
http://www.powercommunicating.com/manuscript/SPOUSE%20COUNSELING%20HUMOR%20book.pdf


One of the most unpleasant aspects of living with a narcissist is watching the narcissist having fits of seemingly uncontrollable rage. These fits of rage will tend to happen in the privacy of the immediate family rather than in public situations since fits of rage in public situations would endanger the admiration and attention from outsiders which the narcissist craves. The narcissist's face will often turn a florid red and his/her face may look contorted with anger. The narcissist may hurl a hail of shouts and verbal obscenities. Usually the rage is expressed verbally but some narcissists will become physically violent. Sometimes these fits of rage will be triggered when the narcissist is interrupted or confronted but sometimes they will arise from seemingly trivial things (e.g. the toilet paper installed the wrong way round, or at least not the way the narcissist likes it to be installed). Sometimes the rage is less dramatic and takes the form of rancour, where the narcissist hurls repeated criticisms and hurtful remarks rather than shouts and swearing. Living with a Narcissist
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Living_with_a_narcissist


You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he?
You Think That You Are So Special... by Annesthesia
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml


Narcissists can and do control themselves when someone's good opinion is sought -- in front of a judge, for instance -- and are skilled at presenting a respectable, even admirable, public face; some are actually meek and mild in public.
Aftermath – Joanna Ashmun
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/aftermath.html


Ken Doka has defined disenfranchised grief as "the grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported." In other words, in disenfranchised grief, a person who has suffered a loss does not have the right to act as if he/she is bereaved.
Disenfranchised Grief
http://worth.statesmanblogs.com/entry.aspx?q=cb459f0b-d7e4-4680-a0eb-986e000dda3a


Work on the confusion. The first thing you need to address is your confusion about what is right/wrong, good/bad. It's characteristic for abusive partners to distort your reality to support their illness.
Tears and Healing Our Journey After an abusive Relationship by Richard
Getting Started
http://tearsandhealing.com/reality.htm


Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems.
10 Hooks that Keep you in Boundary-Less Relationships
http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/alertb.htm


Second, if you sense your partner's aggression escalating where you fear being physically attacked, simply leave the home. Go to your neighbors', a friend's or relative's home and inform them of what happened. Telling others will help calm you down, afford you with emotional support and expose the abuser. Most importantly, it will also establish witnesses should you need them to testify at a divorce proceeding. It is also advantageous to bring someone back with you when you return to your home to resolve the argument or when picking up your belongings. Third, keep a journal of all abuse incidents and names of people you told. Also take photos of injuries you sustained or property your partner damaged. If possible, tape-record and/or videotape altercations. Be sure to keep all documentation of abuse in a safe place away from your partner's reach.
Husband Abuse Aided by Social Legal Biases
Maxine Marz - Columnist and Safety and Security Consultant and Criminologist
http://mensightmagazine.com/Articles/Marz/marz4.htm


Know what you are dealing with. This sounds easy but in fact can be very difficult. All the reading in the world cannot immunize you from the devastating effects of psychopaths. Everyone, including the experts, can be taken in, conned, and left bewildered by them. A good psychopath can play a concerto on anyone's heart strings.
Survival Guide – Predators by Dr. Robert Hare
http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19940101-000027.html


"I have no fancy methods for dealing with these people. You can't really deal with them. If they're doing something illegal, you can certainly call the police, but most are too clever to do something illegal. My wife uses a good analogy in her speeches. She says trying to make things work with these people is like trying to wrestle with someone who is covered with mud: You're going to get muddy. No matter what you do or how well you do it or how noble your intentions, you'll get muddy. So instead of trying to make things work out with these people, the goal is to avoid dealing with them at all."
The Bad Apples
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities
/Relationships/khan/thebadapples.html


Prepare for a partial or full break. Sometimes it is simply too hard to make a life in close contact with another whom you find too detached, unstable, or self-absorbed. In this situation you may need to find your courage to do your inner work to be able to make a break-to reconfigure or to leave your relationship.
Living With Difficult People by Robert Caldwell
http://www.holistic.com/holistic/
learning.nsf/Title/Living+With+Difficult+People

He thinks he loves you. He swears he loves you. But what good is he if he doesn't treat you like he loves you? Look at the difference between how an Abuser treats a partner and how a healthy, non-abusive man treats a partner at the bottom of this page.
False Love/Real Love
http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/counter.html

Don't Take The Bait: Irrational thinking and behavior is like a shark throwing bait into a river in order to catch a human being --- You. Don't bite or take the bait. If you expect a disturbed person to understand your logic, you will end up beating your head against the wall. Learn to expect irrational thinking and responses and you won't be surprised. In other words, don't expect the other person to live up to and match your logical expectations. They are usually in denial and they think the problem is you. What a trap! How did you get yourself into this situation? You are the target of a lot of dysfunctional accusations, blaming and destructive behavior. Don't be provoked or respond to provocation. Some people just don't feel valuable enough to deserve happiness. So they behave destructively and in ways that bring them down to the levels that they believe they deserve. If you feel you are being dragged down to the level of having to fight for your life, then change your expectations! It will be difficult for you to live with lowered expectations. But, a dysfunctional person cannot perform to a level where you can get your needs met. Either work with or fire them. Sinking ships can take the rescue crew down with them. You may have to save your own self and live to love another day. You will have to decide whether you want to feel guilty or not for abandoning or rejecting a person who is pathologically afraid of rejection and abandonment. Staying in a disordered situation beyond your emotional capabilities can be dangerous to your health and well-being. Timeouts are not a bad idea.
How to Deal with the Irrational, Dysfunctional, Distorted Thinking and Behavior of Someone who is Making your Life --- A Hell On Earth! Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. MFCC, PsychotherapyHELP
http://www.nvo.com/psych_help/nss-folder/
articles/1How%20to%20Deal%20with%20Irrational%20Behavior.htm


Seven Signs You're In A Verbally Abusive Relationship
A checklist from the book that woke up Brandy:
He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he's mad, he either denies it or tells you it's in some way your fault.
When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying "You're just trying to start an argument!" or claiming he has no idea what you're talking about.
You frequently feel frustrated because you can't get him to understand your intentions.
You're upset—not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.  
You sometimes think, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad."  
He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn't stated as "I think," but as if you're wrong and he's right. 
You can't recall saying "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!"
Patricia Evans, Author The Verbally Abusive Relationships
http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200207_abuse/3


In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as "I know what he's done to me, but I still love him", "I don't know why, but I want him back", or "I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her". Recently I've heard "This doesn't make sense. He's got a new girlfriend and he's abusing her too…but I'm jealous!" Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn't make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is - Yes!
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser by Joseph Carver, PhD
http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients
/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html


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Artist Alan Ayers
Graphics - Marsha's Graphics