The Narcissistic Psychopath - How Do I Get Rid of Him?

Divorcing the Narcissist

Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality
Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist,

and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin




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Question:

I finally mustered the courage and determination to divorce him. But
he refuses to let go, he threatens me and stalks and harasses me. I
am sometimes afraid for my life. He is also a convincing
pathological liar. I am afraid he will turn the judge against me...

Answer:

I am not a divorce lawyer and, therefore, cannot relate to the legal
aspects of your predicament. But I can elaborate on three important
elements:

I. How to cope with your narcissist throughout the prolonged
process?

II. How to expose the manipulations of the narcissist in court?

III. What to expect of the narcissist as your divorce unfolds? Will
he become violent?

Divorce is a life crisis – and more so for the narcissist. The
narcissist stands to lose not only his spouse but an important
source of narcissistic supply. This results in narcissistic injury,
rage, and an all-pervasive feelings of injustice, helplessness and
paranoia.

I. How to Cope with the Narcissist

If he has a rage attack – rage back. This will provoke in him fears
of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it
might seem eerie. Narcissists are known for these sudden tectonic
shifts in mood and in behavior.

Mirror the narcissist's actions and repeat his words. If he
threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language
and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on
him. If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating,
humiliating, go down to his level. Faced with his mirror image – the
narcissist always recoils.

The other way is to abandon him and go about reconstructing your own
life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an
absolute prerequisite to living with a narcissist. To cope with a
narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which
reduces the persons around the narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks.

For practical tips for coping with your narcissist or psychopath -
read the following articles:

What is Abuse?

Coping with Your Abuser

Avoiding Your Abuser - The Submissive Posture

Avoiding Your Abuser - The Conflictive Posture

Reconditioning the Abuser

Reforming the Abuser

Contracting with Your Abuser

How to Cope with a Narcissist

II. The Narcissist in Court

How can you expose the lies of the Narcissist in a court of law? He
acts so convincing!

A clear distinction has to be made between the FACTUAL and the
PSYCHOLOGICAL pillars of any cross-examination or deposition of a
narcissist.

It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first
rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information.
Narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by
offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios, which fit most of
the facts.

It is very easy to "break" a narcissist – even a well-trained and
prepared one.

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating:

Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated
perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement,
exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills"
which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he
is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a
third party.

Any description of the narcissist as average and common,
indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is
weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive,
gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an
effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to
expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of
exposing.

The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or
violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his
entitlement.

Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are
so cosmically significant that others should defer to their needs
and cater to their every whim without ado. The narcissist feels
entitled to special treatment by unique individuals.

Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the
narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not
even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will
inflame the narcissist.

Add to this a negation of the narcissist's sense of entitlement –
and the combustion is inevitable. Tell the narcissist that he does
not deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's
priority, that he is boring, that his requirements can be catered to
by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer,
psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be
easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper
tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be
made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that, like everyone
else, he is subject to court procedures, etc. – and the narcissist
will lose control.

The narcissist believes that he is the cleverest, far above the
madding crowd. Contradict the narcissist, expose, humiliate, and
berate him:

"You are not as intelligent as you think you are"

"Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you
don't seem to possess"

"So, you have no formal education"

"You are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you
are ... old"

"What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree?
Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself
as a success?"

"Would your children share your view that you are a good father?"

"You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a
(domestic, stripper, receptionist...) (in demeaning disbelief)".

I know that many of these questions cannot be asked outright in a
court of law. But you CAN hurl these sentences at him during the
breaks, inadvertently during the examination or deposition phase,
etc.

Read more:

The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim

Conning the System

Befriending the System

Working with Professionals

Interacting with Your Abuser



III. What to Expect

Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass.

Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive
narcissists:

1. To Frighten Them

Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression,
envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As
a result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic.
Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behavior modification tool.
If sufficiently deterred – the narcissist promptly disengages, gives
up everything he was fighting for and sometimes make amends.

To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and
susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating
blows at them – until the narcissist lets go and vanishes.

Example:

If a narcissist is hiding an embarrassing or self-incriminating
fact – one should use this to threaten him. One should drop cryptic
hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently
revealed evidence. The narcissist has a very vivid imagination. Let
his paranoia do the rest.

The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in
malpractice, in child abuse, in infidelity – there are so many
possibilities, which offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly,
noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner – the narcissist
crumbles, disengages and disappears. He lowers his profile
thoroughly in the hope of avoiding hurt and pain.

Most narcissists have been known to disown and abandon a whole PNS
(pathological narcissistic space) in response to a well-focused
campaign by their victims. Thus, the narcissist may leave town,
change his job, abandon a field of professional interest, avoid
friends and acquaintances – only to secure a cessation of the
unrelenting pressure exerted on him by his victims.

I repeat: most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the
narcissist. His imagination runs amok. He finds himself snarled by
horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest "certainties". The
narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor.

You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an
ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The
narcissist will do the rest for you. He is like a little child in
the dark, generating the very monsters that paralyze him with fear.

Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued
legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in
broad daylight. If done in the wrong way – they might constitute
extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal
offences.

2. To Lure Them

The other way to neutralize a vindictive narcissist is to offer him
continued narcissistic supply until the war is over and won by you.
Dazzled by the drug of narcissistic supply – the narcissist
immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and
triumphantly takes over his reclaimed or new "property"
and "territory".

Under the influence of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is unable
to tell when he is being duped. He is blind, dumb and deaf to all
but the song of the NS sirens. You can make a narcissist do ANYTHING
by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold narcissistic
supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience,
etc.).

Read More:

Abusing the Narcissist

The Vindictive Narcissist

Coping with Your Stalker

Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/5.html