Hi. This is a copy of our page on the smear campaign of the abuser
from our MSN group on NPD. I hope you find it helpful. You're not
alone, as most victims/targets of these abusers find themselves in
the same nasty spot.

The Smear Campaign of the Abuser

"Criticizing others is a dangerous thing, not so much because you
may make mistakes about them, but because you may be revealing the
truth about yourself".
Judge Harold Medina

At the end of a relationship with abusers, they begin what Lundy
Bancroft has coined the "preemptive strike". They will hurl
accusations, usually `projection' at their victim and recruit
whatever audience they can fool.

To avoid exposure, the abuser will resort to a smear campaign. On
closer examination, the words of the abuser reflect his own
behaviour.

Lundy Bancroft, author of 'Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of
Angry and Controlling Men,' says…
"Abusers increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where
he accuses the victim of doing all the things that he has done."
UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES by R.
Lundy Bancroft
http://www.wcwonline.org/wrn/lundy.pdf

I think we can all relate to the way our abusers recruit allies and
resort to spreading lies, malicious projection, finger-pointing,
backstabbing and false rumours by factless innuendo and cruel
insinuation. This rallying of troops to his 'camp', the enablers
that work with them, is the well-worn tactic of the personality
disordered fending off exposure. His lies and calumny an effective
coverup of his own actions.

These abusers become ruthless in recruiting our families, closest
friends, employers, colleagues and competitors as he systematically
attempts to build support for his coverup. His self-serving smear
campaign begins. Words cannot describe the hurt that is inflicted.
Hang on tight, it's going to be a very cruel and bumpy ride. Don't
expect other people to understand. They don't know about this type
of abuser - yet!

This abuser will devalue/discard and break off contact with us
quickly, claiming to be the victim of cruelty from us. We are cast
in a defensive role by this outburst of lies. The abuser has no
understanding of the degree of hurt and emotional devastation he
creates. He will never know this pain. However, he will only be able
to pull it off temporarily because other people don't understand
this first-strike tactic of the mentally disordered. They have no
personal experience with it and are unable to recognize it. He
claims to be the victim and enjoys the limelight attention this
generates.
His victims often appear to be vindictive in any attempts to
disprove his allegations. Playing the role of the victim, the new
recruits see him as the injured party, pitiful and in need of help.
Sadly, the abuser will often escalate his smear campaign and the
victim becomes subjected to a multi-focused attack. The deceived and
gullible recruits often take up his cause and will work as his ally
to attack right alongside. Now, the abuser will remain out of the
picture as his naive and ignorant recruits do his dirty work.

If anyone tries to talk to you about him, hold up your hand (like a
stop-sign) and just say something like "I don't want to hear
anything about him. He's lying" Say no more. This can have the most
amazing effect of causing people to stop cold and have another look
at what they've been told. Most people will figure things out for
themselves quickly. It's not necessary to defend ourselves further.
Such gossipy behaviour is very immature. If it continues:"My lawyer
recommends I warn people that If this turns into a libel/slander
lawsuit they will be involved." Although you may be very tempted to
hear something about him, it's best to end such contact.

"He never really wanted this commitment, he tells any willing (or
buttonholed) listener – and anyhow, the relationship was doomed from
the beginning by the egregious excesses and exploits of his wife (or
partner or friend or boss)."
The Relief of Being Abandoned by Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse14.html

If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues,
mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours -
in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses these them to
cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince,
harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls
these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his
ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he
dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.
The Spouse / Mate / Partner of the Narcissist - Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq6.html

The abuser is now at his summit, and about to topple.This abuser
will not engage in a fair fight, but it will ultimately backfire on
him. Slowly his newly-recruited allies become aware of the truth.
Suspecting his real motives and questioning his actions, they slowly
remove themselves and walk away. The ones that hang on are the most
dim-witted. Their bad judgement in supporting him is easily
transparent. They support the abuser for their own Mephistophelian
goals.

This cycle is repeated throughout the life of the abuser. Most of us
will become targeted by our abusers in this way.

The battered emotions of the victims will craft thoughts of revenge,
vengeance and justice, but his targets, often reeling from these
unexpected cruel lies and alientation, will find little solace in
their mentally-constructed retaliation thoughts. Your abuser
anticipates your pleas of virtue and expects you to retalilate. He
has set the bait and your strength will come from
remaining 'unbaitable' against this onslaught.

Over the course of time, this abuser's audience will abandon him.
Those he worked hard to secure by portraying the victim have left.
His very actions will alienate anyone still near him. They begin to
avoid him like the plague as the discrepancy of his lies and actions
surfaces.

We may be able to 'nip it in the bud' by anticipating and
emotionally preparing for this common response from the mentally
disodered.

Ultimately there will be no audience gathered to listen. That is the
self-inflicted fate of his own behaviour. Eventually the abuser
faces humiliation and exposure and will withdraw into final
isolation. Long after we have healed and moved on, this final
treachery will forever be the single act that stands out in our
thoughts. Our ultimate victory is the bitter/sweet irony of seeing
the abuser portraying himself as the victim as he continues his life-
long deeply-ingrained blame-game and his last remaining audience
only the walls to hear his lies.

From "If" by Rudyard Kipling,,,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

* * * * * *
"Our credulity is greatest concerning the things we know least
about. And since we know least about ourselves, we are ready to
believe all that is said about us. Hence the mysterious power of
both flattery and calumny." Eric Hoffer

"Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape
calumny."
Shakespeare, Hamlet

One suggestion is to have your lawyer send a cease and desist letter
with demand for retraction. However, be aware this type of abuser
will have us served with the same right back!! However, that
document may be useful in litigation/custody/parental alienation
situations. Ask the accuser to provide proof of his accusations.
Teach children that "talking behind other's back" is poor behaviour.

Often the best defence is to completely remove yourself from the
abuser and those he is able to fool. Unfortunately, this often
includes our closest friends and family. He will work hard to keep
these groups of people separated. Naive, easily deceived people, may
be forever lost to us. Conducting ourselves with grace and dignity
will get us through this. Do not engage in retaliatory mud-slinging
that can be used against us, but do let these proxies know they can
and will be subpoened in a potential defamation of character action
to provide evidence of the origin of the lies he spreads.

On a funnier note, some 'rebuttal' comments we've heard from our
members: "Oh Dear, I wonder if he's off his medication
again?" "That's the same thing he said about you!." "I'm not
surprised he said that. He said the same thing about his xwife."
Suggested Response: "(chuckling with a grinning wink) Do you believe
him?"

Do you call him Psycho or N? You may be getting involved in a
reverse smear campaign. Don't do that.

We have used the male gender. Your abuser may be female. You may use
this page freely with credit and link to our site for non-commercial
applications only.




--- In Psychopathsgroup@yahoogroups.com, "Rai" <ceri@t...> wrote:
> An Ozzie Gidday All,
>
> > Darla FWed
> > Abuse By Proxy
> > .. [chomp for brevity only]...
> > If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues,
mates,
> > family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the
> > media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding.
>
> Strange That basically describes about 2/3 of everyone who's
backstabed me
> in the back - not just my NP. Must say something about the company
I keep.
>
> OK he takes it to new & horrifying heights. I usually call it
2ndhand
> bullying - "Abuse By Proxy" is a clearer phrase. He'd telling
others things
> he know they'll pass onto me but I wasn't in a position to
respond/ discuss/
> have an imput. He once even tried to bully me to sign something at
the bank
> by sitting next to me & texting to a mutural friend that "it was
all over"
> if I "didn't sign". I didn't & he's still here (worse luck).
>
> I'll take me a few days to digest all this article. Might take a
print out
> with me tomorrow.
>
>
> Rai - still here.
> ---
> Time does not heal untreated wounds!!