Abuse By Proxy

First published on Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin




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Also Read:

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date

"Trauma Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

Traumas as Social Interactions

Coping with Your Abuser

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence

Verbal and Emotional Abuse - Articles Menu

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List - Click
HERE!

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group -
Part I

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group -
Part II

Domestic Violence and Abuse statistics - Click here


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If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates,
family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the
media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He
uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt,
convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target.
He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control
his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And
he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

One form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which
abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted
scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions
(condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the
victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the
abuser.

Abusers often use other people to do their dirty work for them.
These - sometimes unwitting - accomplices belong to three groups:

I. The abuser's social milieu

Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies – co-
opt other family members, friends, and colleagues into aiding and
abetting their abusive conduct. In extreme cases, the victim is
held "hostage" - isolated and with little or no access to funds or
transportation. Often, the couple's children are used as bargaining
chips or leverage. Ambient abuse by the abuser's clan, kin, kith,
and village or neighborhood is rampant.

II. The victim's social milieu

Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to
the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the
abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a
plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor.
Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first
hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on
the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable,
impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled,
and suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach
the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both
parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense,
assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as
aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.

III. The System

The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors,
mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges.
He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her
sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children.

Forms of Abuse by Proxy

Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her
through a campaign of malicious rumors.

Harassing the victim by using others to stalk her or by charging her
with offenses she did not commit.

Provoking the victim into aggressive or even antisocial conduct by
having others threaten her or her loved ones.

Colluding with others to render the victim dependent on the abuser.

But, by far, her children are the abuser's greatest source of
leverage over his abused spouse or mate.

This is the subject of the next article.

Continue ...


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RESOURCES

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychological and Verbal Abuse Resources

Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence on Suite101


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Copyright Notice

This material is copyrighted. Free, unrestricted use is allowed on a
non commercial basis.
The author's name and a link to this Website must be incorporated in
any reproduction of the material for any use and by any means.


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Additional Q&A's

Go Back to Home Page!

Journal Entries

Frequently Asked Questions about Pathological Narcissism

Excerpts from the Archive of the Narcissism List

The Narcissism List Home Page

Philosophical Musings

After the Rain - How the West Lost the East

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Suite101

Internet: A Medium or a Message?

Write to me: palma@... or abusericabuse-
owner@yahoogroups.com

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse11.html