September 14, 2007 - Copyright by Mary Jo Fay

How Many Mary Winkler Time Bombs May Be Ticking Out There?



When Oprah interviewed Mary Winkler this week, many may be wondering
how she got so emotionally unhealthy to shoot and kill her pastor
husband instead of simply leaving him. Well, she's not alone. Women
(and some men) across the country suffer in silence for years until
a few like Mary Winkler simply snap under the strain of the ongoing
emotional, physical, sexual, and/or verbal abuse they may live under
day after day, and oftentimes completely invisible to their friends,
neighbors, and even their family.

Could there be a ticking time bomb man or woman in your
neighborhood? Or in your own house?

Absolutely. None of these situations happened overnight, but there
are Red Flags all along the way that most folks ignore or continue
to make excuses for, which is what gets them into trouble to begin
with.

In my consultations with clients to help them better understand just
how they got sucked into difficult, narcissistic relationships and
how to get out and go on to heal, these are just a few of the
shocking stories I've heard …

· A woman whose husband makes her recite every day, "I'm
worth 29 cents – the price of a bullet," only reinforcing the
brainwashing which has led her to believe she's absolutely worthless
and unlovable – thus the reason that no one else could ever even
want her.

· A woman who was regularly beaten by her husband for 12
years (and never called the police) and one day when he came at her
yet again, she grabbed a knife in her own defense, simply telling
him, "Com on," but never using it on him. He called the police and
SHE went to jail.

· Women who are forbidden to have access to, or knowledge of,
their family finances.

· Women whose husbands keep track of their odometer readings
to be assured they didn't go anywhere they weren't allowed to go.

· Women who are forbidden to communicate with family or
friends.

· Women who are not allowed any privacy … including an email
of their own.

· The list goes on … and men are victims as well … just not
as often heard from, for the victimized male in this country has
additional crosses to bear simply by being a victim of a female
abuser. Society just doesn't grasp that concept easily and these men
have fewer outlets to support them as well.

None of us get into a relationship thinking it's going to go
terribly wrong. And most times, they started out so wonderfully,
that victims keep believing that their "Perfect Partner" will come
back, if they just love them enough. Unfortunately, they're only
kidding themselves. And in the time it takes them to get enough
nerve to leave and finally take their lives back, quite often their
children have learned the narcissistic partner's behavior first hand
(or that of the co-dependent) – and thus end up recreating one of
those roles in their own relationships in life as well.

Bottom line:

The most difficult relationship that most of us have is the one we
have with ourselves.

If these "victims" had had healthy self-esteem to begin with, they
would have never tolerated even the first of their spouse's
inappropriate behaviors … and way before they ever became spouses in
the first place. They actually teach their mates how to treat them
badly when they don't put their foot down and assert their
boundaries early-on. Quite unknowingly. Quite innocently. And quite
devastatingly when they find themselves years later, just wondering
how they got in such a mess to begin with.

And of course, the fear of being alone is the ultimate driving force
for some. One of my clients recently told me how she'd been dating a
guy for several months. While nothing was horribly wrong, many
little things just didn't feel right… the way he ruled his dog with
an iron fist, (although the animal still appeared to adore him.) The
way he constantly critiqued her driving in an off-hand, humorous
kind of style. The way he would interrupt her conversation to point
out certain types of expensive cars on the road, then never return
to her conversation when his interruption was over. She had decided
that she just felt uncomfortable with the relationship, and yet when
she shared the news with her best girlfriend, was warned, "But you
were so alone before you met Jim. Are you sure you want to break up
with him over stuff as little as that?"

And thus we see just how easy it is to stay stuck in a relationship
that at best, may simply be unfulfilling, and at worst, can turn
one's life into a Mary Winkler nightmare.

While many think Mary Winkler got off easy … after all, she did
shoot her husband in the back while he was sleeping … her life will
never be the same again either. She is currently in a tough legal
fight to win her kids back. She faces a huge wrongful death lawsuit
by her in-laws for killing their son. Her children's lives have
forever been touched in ways that none of us would ever wish for our
kids.

So I ask you – if not now when? When will you take your life back
before it's too late? When will you believe you deserve to be safe,
loved, and respected? When will you put your kids' emotional health
first, before they too incur the emotional damage of being raised by
a narcissist who destroys everyone in his or her path?

The choice is yours. Believe it or not, there is ALWAYS a way to
take your life back. I bet Mary Winkler wishes she had done so now.

To subscribe to this newsletter, please drop me aline.

Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN
* The Relationist *
From dealing with difficult people to getting you unstuck,
I can help you unlock the secrets to truly great relationships


speaker, columnist, screenwriter, and award-winning author

www.outoftheboxx.com