Hi,

This is a big step for me to express what i've been through in the
past 3 years.  I hope that by sharing my experience with others in
this forum I will be able to better confirm my abusive relationship
and heal from it.  I'm still in the bewilderment stage of healing...
i still have shock,anxiety,panic,anger,sorrow,shame, and low low low
self-esteem... I'm riddled with fear of having let this happen to me
and on top of that fearful of being alone and on top of that -
feeling as though this is perhaps what i deserved for my own wrong
doings and greed.

As a married woman, i have been seeking intimacy and compassion from
my husband of 10 years at the time i met my former lover
(narcisstist's).  I was lonely beyond what i could express to my
family and friends and distanced myself from my husband who did not
know how to show compassion and love in husbandly way.  He wasn't
exposed to that sort of caring way or wasn't brought up knowing how
to... whatever the reason.

After 8 years into the marriage and multiple attempts to leave my
marriage I always settled not to make the big move of leaving him
out of fear - fear of losing security and spoiling my families name.

I had an affair with another married man which was only sexual and
even though i was involved to a certain degree emotionally, it was
the physical contact i desparately seeked and it validated that i
was an attractive female and nothing could be wrong with me
physically and how good it felt to be attracked by a male.

This relationship lasted a little over one year... it ended
physically after my husband and i moved to another state.  The
former lover and i still stayed in contact via email and he came
through the state i now moved to once when all we did was kiss.  I
always felt dirty after every meeting with him... but it didn't stop
me from wanting to feel needed in that way.

Then in the new place where i moved to, i joined a new company and
started my job.  I came to find out that someone in the company
enquired about me and asked if i was married or not... to which my
boss told them i was.  Knowing that someone was interested in ME was
really all i needed to know to flatter me and to top it off - he was
indian (from India) which is where I'm originally from was like
icing on top.  I am an Indian female born in India and raised in
America.  I've been in the US for 30 years now.  My parents brought
us up in the states with traditional indian values.  To make a long
story short - i had an arranged marriage despite my rebelling
against it.  I gave in to my parents finally at the age of 21.

Now back to this Indian man that showed interest in me... I wondered
for several weeks who this man was and what he looked like.  I
finally had 2 of my co-workers on my team go and introduce me to
him... when i met him - i felt a soul connection with him almost
immediately.  I remember feeling things that I'd never felt
before.   After that initial introduction, nothing happened... until
finally one day, I looked us his name in the company directory and
called him at his desk.

In our conversation, I was asking him what he was still doing at
work (being there late and all)... the conversation went on about me
asking him about his passion for golf and such and he asked if I was
married... he sounded so shy on the phone (kind of childlike
innocense)... i told him, yes that i was married... the conversation
ended by him agreeing to show me how to hit golf balls at a range
and a date was arranged.

I remember going home that evening as if on my first date and was
estatic about the whole - butterflies in my stomach and all.  I
remeber getting ready as my husband was getting ready to go to work
and telling him i was going to the golf range and that this male
coworker was going to meet me to show me how to play.  Right away
this hurt my husbands feelings because he noticed how i didn't even
invite him... he brought this up in a conversation later down the
road to which i appologized for and admitted it was wrong of me to
have treated him that way.  I felt guilty for treating him so
unkindly yet my own greed for wanting to feel loved was more
overpowering then my guilt for my misconduct...

Writing all this makes me question how i could have been so
inconsiderate of all those around me (especially my husband - and I
somehow feel that all the years we were married I clearly
communicated to him what i needed from him and he flat out told me
that i was not his number one priority... so somehow my hurt and
anger towards him for not being able to be compassionate with me
justified my right to feel loved even if it was with an outsider). 
I by no means meant to stay in the marriage while remaining with a
lover - i stayed because of fear of leaving and shaming the family.

Anyway, this new person, I'll call him "Ugly" because that's how I
see him now.  Our relationship started off with a long phone
conversation, then hitting golf balls at the range when I invited
home to have dinner with my husband and me to which he turned down
later telling me that he couldn't face my husband knowing he was
attracked to me.  Then a movie at his house and one at the theaters.

I felt so good around him and i knew he felt good around me.  He
would constantly compliment me on how beautiful i was and even more
so how beautiful my hair was - he was absolutely fascinated with my
hair.  I went to a Halloween costume party he had at his house with
several other co-workers and I was elated by the attention he was
giving me - he and I danced for a very short while as I was a bit
embarrassed of not really knowing how to dance and all - but I later
told him how that was the first time I'd ever danced with another
man.

The first time I got in the car with him to go to lunch  I remember
him telling me something and I replied to him "becareful what you
wish for" meaning I was interested in him and he might just get me. 
Ironically though it was me who would be haunted by that phrase in
the end.

Then the first time we went out to see a movie, he stood behind me
in line for popcorn and asked can we get married... I turned around
and smiled - i was clearly love struck by him and thought there's no
way a man as handsome as he is and as intelligent as he is could
ever be interested in me. 

During the movie, we held hands and I felt butterflies like I'd
never experienced before in my entire life.

Ugly use to pamper me like no other.  Here's just a few of things he
did over the 3 year relationship we had:

1. Compliment me on how beautiful i was
2. Give me gifts (very expensive ones and little ones)
3. He'd leave me either a note, a song, or a gift on my desk at work
every single day for a little over a year into our relationship (I'd
BEG him not to give me anyone more gifts and theartened him that I
would not accept another one from him no matter how expensive (big)
or inexpensive (small) it was.  I felt extemely uncomfortable
accepting gifts from him day in and day out - it was clearly out of
hand from my point of view.  Day in and day out he'd convince me
that it was the last one... i partically gave up because it was so
exhausting to turn down accepting his gifts in fear that i was
hurting his feelings and he was doing this out of his LOVE for me. 
He was so infactuated with me that it was too much.
4. He'd constantly tell me of other girls who were interested in him
but that he only had eyes and love for me.  I'd constantly ask that
he pursue those girls.  I was exhausted by his showing interest in
me with such INTENSITY that it scared me to think how he could love
me so much and here i was a married woman and didn't know how to
leave my husband and felt as though i was using him and that he
deserved so much better than that.
5. He would take me to lunch nearly almost every single day and
would always pay for my lunch... i use to argue with him for doing
that and would ask that he stop doing that and threatened him that
I'd stop going to lunch with him if he kept paying for my lunch...
like the gift giving he'd tell me he'd stop doing it but wouldn't.
6. He complemented me on my physical appearance, how i dressed, my
hair, how I talked, my voice, how beautiful my eyes were, etc.
7. He'd tell me how his other friends/co-workers spoke so highly of
me and how they'd tell him to go after me (he said one of his
friends said "so what" when he told him I was married)
8. The compliments were overwhelming and he never ceased to come up
with them and express them to me with sheer happiness... even when
i'd brush them away and ask that he not keep expressing them to me
and that i wasn't worthy of them

Throughout this time period, we'd gotten intimately closer to one
another.  He told me about one of his sisters (younger sister) who
was married and divorced and then got in a relationship with a
married man and got pregnant with him and hid the pregnancy from the
family until it was time to have the baby.  He said his parents were
heart broken but accepted the child.  He said that he despised the
man that did that to his sister and left her by fleeing back to
India and leaving his sister alone and pregnant.  I felt for him and
thought what a rightous man Ugly was and how unworthy i was of his
attention and love for what I was doing to him ( I felt as though I
was using him on the side as I remained married).

I must mention that I did approach my mother before having had an
intimate relationship with Ugly about wanting to leave my marriage. 
My mother, father, and my sister's father-in-law convinced me out of
doing that.  I once again let the fear of leaving my husband get the
best of me and Ugly even supported me in trying to make my marriage
work and that he was wrong in wanting me to be with him when I was a
married a woman.  He'd always tell me how bad he felt for being with
me and how wrong it was that we were together... but that he loved
me so much and unlike anyone else he'd ever loved.

7 months after I joined the same company Ugly was working out and
after we'd been together for about 5 1/2 months (intimately)... we
were planning a trip to the beach together (Ugly, another close
friend of mine from work and me) for 3 days.  We were to leave on
the weekend one week after my sister joined the company and came in
to work for Ugly (he would be her lead).  It was through him that I
was able to bring my sister into the company - it so happened that
he had an opening in his group and made it possible for her to get a
job there.  I knew he'd done this for me because he was so love
struck for me.

Well, that same week, I recieved a phone call from the man i had had
a relationship with in the past and he said he'd be coming through
town and I told him how I was going away for the weekend and then he
said how he might drop in at the beach - i didn't know what to say
to him about that other than I had not decided if I was really going
yet or not.

I then told my sister at her cube that my former friend had called
and said all that he did and that i wasn't sure if i wanted to go on
this trip or not.  Then i also wanted to cancel because i knew that
i couldn't keep it from my sister that i was going with a female
friend of mine and Ugly - she would clearly oppose to Ugly going
with us sense of course i'm married and why would i want him to also
go along unless I was attracted to him.  Ugly overheard my
conversation with my sister about not wanting this other man to meet
me at the beach... I wasn't trying to keep it confidential or
anything.  I knew that I wanted nothing to do with and didn't want
to see him again... but didn't know how to tell him that... (I never
have known how to just tell someone right out that I don't want to
be bothered by them - always have to be nice).

Anyway, I told Ugly that I felt uncomfortable going away for the
weekend with him and another friend of mine while my sister was
there at work only for one week.  He told me I shouldn't worry about
it and I told him that I had to tell her that the 3 of us were
planning on going and that we're all going only as friends.  He said
he wanted to be there when I told her this and so the 3 of us (my
sister, Ugly, and I went out to lunch) i told her that we were all
going as friends and nothing more and that nothing would happen on
the trip - he told her the same.

The whole car drive to the beach we (my friend, Ugly and I) sang
songs along with the CD's and later he told me about his first love
and I listened intensely and felt so sad for him that he never
married her because by the time he came back from overseas to marry
her she had already married someone else due to her family pressure.

Once at the beach he wanted to spend every second he could with me. 
My friend knowing how much he cared for me left us to ourselves and
went about her own way to relax on the beach.  He and I went for a
long long bike ride the first day we were there.  We'd stop
occassionally and during those stops on the bike track he'd kiss me
so passionately.  I felt uncompfortable doing that with him out in
the open - with other bikers and passerbys. 

I expressed to him how i just wanted to be friends with him (nothing
up to this point had gone wrong in our relationship - i was
overwhelmed with his over-the-top love for me... and I felt almost
suffocated by it and didn't know how to stop it without feeling
guilty or without hurting him).  He told me he already had enough
friends and didn't need me as a friend if that's all I wanted.

I'll never forget the first time we made love - I was the one who
initiated it and it was very early on into our relationship (may be
just over a month or month and a half after we'd gotten to know
eachother).  I remember stroking his private parts and he was limp,
couldn't get an erection and my head was spinning inside thinking oh
my goodness, what have i gotten myself into and thinking of my god
what do I do... i can't be with someone who can't get an errection. 
I continued to kiss him and rub him and all the while make it seem
as if everything was perfectly fine... i could tell he was nervous
and a bit uncomfortable so I continued to kiss him and stroke him
and guide him into me... it was quick and weird and uncomfortable -
i felt as though i had taken advantage of him and he left my
apartment that evening feeling exposed and uncomfortable.  After
that night I took it upon myself to not make him feel uncomfortable
and anytime he brought up that night I'd tell him not to worry about
it.  Infact we became very sexual with one another after that and
I'd bring him to an erection and show him that he was ok... he'd
even take Viagra a few times to achieve an erection and always
commented on how he wasn't good enough in bed.

Everysingle time after making love, he'd say how he didn't perform
well enough and I'd constantly re-enforce that he was perfectly fine
and that I enjoyed making love to him... and I did.  The part I
hated was having to console him  after it was over.  Making love to
him was a mixture of ecstacy and disappointment for me.  Ecstacy in
that I loved it physically and disappointment in that emotionally it
was eating away at me that i was cheeting on my husband.

Anyway back to our beach trip.  One night after riding bikes we both
slept in the same bed as my friend  slept in the other in the same
room.  He got me to make love to him as she slept and I was scared
to death but wanted to make him happy  (of course - that's all I
wanted).  The next day, I noticed that my friend was not talking to
either one of us for the entire day.  I told him how uncomfortable I
was with her silence and told him i think she knows of our
relationship and must of known we fooled around that night and is
disappointed in us.  I told him I wanted to tell her about us.  He
told me that any friend of mine wouldn't treat me the way she was
and that she wouldn't be able to comprehend it anyway.  So I didn't
tell her.  He wasn't even bothered by her silence and he didn't skip
a beat about wanting to do the things he wanted and of course he
asked that I do things with him sense he was doing them all for me.

A few days after our return from the beach my friend told me that
she was ignoring me because she was upset over a misunderstanding
she and I had over something else and had nothing to do with Ugly
and me.

I still never did tell her about Ugly's relationship and mine.  A
month after our beach trip I was over at Ugly's house one night and
out of nowhere Ugly started accusations of me having a relationship
with another man.  I became defensive and denied all accusations. 
He then asked who such and such was and what was the real reason why
I didn't want to go to the beach?  He pounded me with accusations of
having a sexual relationship with this other person until I broke
down into tears and gave in and admitted that i did have a sexual
relationship with this other man.  I told him that we'd only been
together once.  I was in a fetal position against a wall and crying
frantically and asking him for forgiveness.  He too  sat down and
held me as I cried and with tears in his eyes asked how could i do
this to him and what did he do to deserve this.  As I cried
uncontrolably, he held me and said I still want to marry you.  I
couldn't believe what I was hearing and cried my eyes out.  I was so
scared of him and what he might think of me and how I'd lost the one
person I'd loved more than anyone else and wanted to be with yet
didn't know how to be with him without getting a divorce and how to
even go about doing that and the fear of my family finding out all
that has been going on and now Ugly knew about my past secret.  I
was scared beyond belief.

Ugly held me as I cried and comforted me tell I could calm myself
down and drive home.  Every time I'd leave his house and drive home
I would call him as soon as I reached my house so that he'd know I
reached home safely.

After that night, our relationship was never ever the same again. 
The verbal abuse began from that night forward for the next 2 to 2
1/2 years.  He constantly would ask me how many times I'd slept with
this other man and made me look him straight in the eyes and answer
him.  After many denials of having slept with this man more than
once... under constant acquastions and pressure I gave in once again
and told him more than once.  He then told me that he came to know
that I was still in touch with the person because he'd read my
emails from him before our trip to the beach and he asked why was I
envolved with him if I was continuing to see this other guy.  I told
him how I wasn't seeing this other guy nor anyone else and that i
only was with him.  He told me that that's not what the emails look
like.  He would be so angry that it scared the daylights out of me
to see how angry he was... he'd never laid a hand on me though.  He
just expressed how much he loved me and couldn't believe that I
could treat him the way I had knowing how much he'd done for me and
how much he'd loved me and how I could just lie to him over and over
and over again and how much he hated people who lied.

He'd constantly through my wrong doing in my face and each time it
would lead to my crying and profound appologies to him for hurting
him in such a way.  He'd then appologize to me for making me so sad
and say how he wouldn't bring it up again but how much it killed him
to think I was seeing another  guy and being with him and making him
a fool or a joke.  I begged him not to think that way and that the
relationship with this other guy ended before anything happened
between him and me.

I even told the other guy not to ever again send emails to me.  I
never heard from him again.  Ugly would constantly accuse me of my
past relationship and how much I'd hurt him with that and then he
began accusing me with being very flitatous with other men and then
accused me of sleeping with them.  This was all too much for me, I
constantly found myself appologizing for things that weren't even
true and begging him to forgive me.  I even degraded myself in front
of him repeatedly telling him I was like a whore, sleeze, etc.
demeaning myself out of guilt and shame and telling him that I
didn't deserve him.  He'd appologize for making me cry and then
treated me so sweetly and on many occassions make love to me... even
force himself upon me until I gave into making love to him.  Then he
would appologize for his lack of performance and how he needed to
quit making love to me sense I was married and not force me when I
didn't want to do it, etc. etc.

I always comforted him and would tell him how good he was in bed and
how I too wanted to be with him and agreed that we shouldn't be
together.

He constantly pushed me away and then brought me back in.  This went
on and on.  Through out our entire roller-coaster relationship he'd
always tell me how this girl that girl wanted him yet he'd wait only
for me - even after all that he knew of me.

I could go on with so many details... but it really will take
forever.

Then one day he must have decided that enough was enough and he
distanced himself from me.  Whenever I'd call him to just talk he'd
act angry and hateful and clearly showed he didn't want to be
bothered.  I got the message after a few phone calls like that and
kept my distance from him.  For awhile I even breathed a little
easier.  He then called me once and told me that this girl he'd had
a crush on before he'd met me was going to move in with him and that
he wasn't looking for anything but that she needed a place to stay
till she found a house and that she'd asked him if she could stay
with him and he said she could.  I acted happy for him knowing how
much he hated going to an empty home and being alone.  I told him
that I was happy for me because I thought he was still in love with
me and I wasn't threatened by her.

After she'd moved in with him, he'd call me still at work and every-
once-in-a-while tell me how happy he was to go home to her and her 2
year-old daughter.  How she was cooking for him... and how crazy the
little daughter was for him.  I always expressed my happiness for me.
Then with all the guilt and shame I'd felt over the years for having
stepped out of my marriage I decided that I was going to leave my
marriage.  The only person who knew of my decision to do this was my
husband who supported me in my decision stating that I needed to do
what would make me happy.

I didn't tell Ugly I was looking for a house and leaving my husband
because I wanted it to be for me not for him and i wasn't sure if he
and i would even have a future together... yet in the back of my
mind I couldn't wait to tell him after I'd bought a house to call
him and ask him over for dinner and see how elated he'd be.

Well, one day at work (Aug. 11, 2002) Ugly called me and said I
thought I should tell you that "my roommate told me we're offically
dating"  I could not believe what I had heard and felt as though a
baseball bat had hit me in the chest and I could not breath. 
Somehow I found the words to tell him I was happy for him and said
bye and put the phone down and tried to catch my breath.

A few minutes later he was in my cube and when i saw him I broke
down and quickly walked past him and ran into the ladies room at
work and sobbed in a stall so no one would see me.  After composing
myself I came out expecting him to be standing outside for him yet
he was not around.

I then told him on the phone that I was leaving my husband and
finding a house for myself.  He first said something along the
lines... Oh my God, this is all do to what I've done wrong, all this
is on my shoulders, I don't deserver to be with anyone, I deserver
to be alone, I'm not going to be with you or her, I'm going to be
alone for the rest of my life.  He sounded so angry and as if this
was a punishment to him.  He then asked why I was doing this now, he
kept yelling "why now, why now, why now, just like that".  He
insisted that I don't leave my husband and to try and make the
marriage work.  My head was spinning out of control thinking he'd be
happy to hear I was leaving my husband and that he'd talk to this
girl and tell her he couldn't be with her because he wanted to be
with me.

That was the exact opposite of what I got.  Instead he was furious
with me and treated me with hatered like I'd never seen before in my
entire life... he made me feel as if I was a schizo (sp) and that he
wanted to be with this other girl and that he'd moved on. 

He even went to counseling with me once to tell my therapist that he
had had a crush on this girl before he'd ever met me and that he
wanted to give their relationship a try.

He told me sorry.  I could not believe what I was going through. 
That the very same man who expressed his uncondtional love and
devotion to me and how he'd wait for me (3 years or a life time if
I'd be his) had now moved on with another person and treated me with
disgust.  I told him how I didn't expect him to come back to me but
didn't understand why he had to treat me so badly and with such
disgust and hatered... and that all I wanted from him was some
dignity and respect.

He told me once at a reastaurant how I'd hurt him more than anyone
else and treated him like dog crap... I got up that day and left him
knowing I wasn't going to take it anymore from him... especially
after he'd moved on with another girl and was still verbally abusing
me for all his pain.  Enough was enough.

I lived in frantic fear and would have and tried to show him how
desparate i was for him and how badly I wanted to have something
with him.

He kept me on a string the whole time he was with her and misled me
to thinking that she didn't really want him or that his sisters
didn't like her... he played cruel teasing games with me.  During
this time I'd moved into my own house (a week after I'd found out he
was dating this girl I bought a new home and month later moved into
it.)  I never had any empathy from him during this time.  He was off
going on vacations with his new love interest and wanted nothing to
do with me.  I was in thearapy.  My councelor had met him on 3 or 4
other occassions when it was he who wanted to desparately be with
me.  Ironically, the last visit he agreed to come with me was when
he told her that he wanted to work on this other relationship with
his new girlfriend.

While he was dating this new girl, in phone conversations when I'd
tell him how much pain I was going through he'd say things to me
like...

1. see how the tables have turned, do you see how it feels
2. now you'll know what it's like to be alone (see how it feels
after 6 months)
3. don't you think it's a little to late (when I'd tell him how much
I wanted him and loved him)

He'd come down to my cube with a pitful looking face acting as if he
was sorry for the pain I was going through.  He'd call me every once
in a while to ask how I was doing... and then when I'd open up he'd
say something like "what did you think I was going to wait
forever?"  Those kinds of things would make me hurt to the bone and
depths of my soul... I confessed to my closest friend (the one who'd
gone to the beach with us) and she was there for me like a devoted
sister (an angel) listening to my cries and advising me to stay away
from him - she echoed everything my councelor was telling me.
Then one day, he called me to tell me that his new girlfriend dumped
him and I told him I was sorry to her that and meant it.  He said I
thought you'd like to know and now I'll spend the rest of my life
alone.


I finally realized that he was enjoying seeing me suffer and getting
a thrill out of it somehow bringing me to my knees that one day I
told him that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore and for him to
not have any communication with me unless it was business related. 
He acted so hurt by this and begged me not to end it like this.  I
told him that day he didn't know what love was and he had an
expression of shock on his face and said "I don't know what love is"
as if that was the greatest insult.  I told him I meant it and not
to talk to me unless it was work related and left in my car.  I went
to a buddist center that I'd been visiting to help me spiritually
heal from the devastation i was going through and that day I told
the buddist monk about my 2 affairs and how I was going through a
divorce and cried as i told her a my worst secretes.  She listened
and showed empathy towards me (to my surprise) and told me that I
was punishing myself way to much for all my wrong doings and that I
need to focus on getting better and staying on the right path.

I spent several sessions with her - learning mediatation and
volunteered at the center by staying overnight at the center sense
there was no other female monk to accompany her.  These individual
sessions helped me calm myself  during all that was going on... we
didn't talk about my situation but I just felt like being around a
spiritual person and place helped calm my mind.

I had lost my appetite eversince Aug. 11, 2003 and could not eat
hardly at all. Days, Weeks, went by where I'd only eat one bite of
something or nothing at all.  In 6 weeks I'd lost 23 pounds.  Ugly
even made jokes of how skinny I was getting and how I had a punie
little ass.  I was clearly devasted by all that was going on and it
took every cell in my body to compose myself enough to get up each
night and go into work.  The only people now that knew what was
going on were my best friend (who was now in New York), my counselor
and the buddist monk.

Ugly honored my wishes and did not contact me unless it was work
related. 
Then a month or so later, I found out that his mother had a heart
attack.  I immediately called him, thinking his ex-girlfriend was
still living with him but called him to express my sympathy.  I
realized that he was at home alone and asked if i could come by to
see him and he said if I wanted to but that he was ok.

I went and bought some food for him and as scared as i was to go
into his house after so long and after his ex-girlfriend moved out.
I gave him the food and told him how sorry I was to hear about his
mother and hoped that she got well soon and asked if there was
anything i or my family could do to help to let us know.  I even
offered to sleep on his couch which he said no thanks to.  I left
him that night letting him know that he could me if he needed
anything.  He thanked me and that was that.

The next weeks to follow he updated me on his mother's condition.
Slowly we began talking again... mostly about his mother.  I even
asked him to a movie once which didn't work out do to timing. 
Slowly but surely though it was if things were turning around for
us. We started spending time together again... he told me that he
never stopped caring for me... and that he wanted to take things
extremly slowly after all he's gone through.  I didn't want to lose
him again and also wanted to take things slowly.  I still felt
uncomfortable around him though and wasn't really  sure myself if he
and I were right for eachother - especially after I'd experienced
how hateful he could be and seen anger in him like I'd never seen or
imagined or was blinded to before.

The 2 months after visiting him about his mothers condition he told
me that he'd like for us to forget about the past we'd had and for
us to look towards the future.  We'd kissed and fondled eachother
again on several occassions and I'd told him that I didn't want to
make love to him until my divorce was final and on another occassion
told him that I didn't want to do that until after we were married. 
He agreed and would give me teasing smiles and on one occassion said
if he wanted it it wouldn't take him much to make me make love to
him.

I cried one day out of anger and told him how cruel he was to me
while dating this other girl... and how he thought i'd left my
husband for him to which i told him he wasn't even worth that much
and not to get his ego over inflated thinking that.

He laughed at me and calmed me down and said ok ok, lets just put
the past behind us and work for a future.  He said all the right
things to make me feel like he cared about me.

Then he was going to India to see his mother and bring them back to
the states to look after her till she got better.  Before he left
for India he told me that his mother would try and force him to get
married and that this time it may actually work because she would be
good at making him feel guilty.  I told him he needed to do what
made him and his family happy and that if that's what he wanted I
didn't want to stop him.  He reassured me that he cared about me...
he said he had 3 concerns:

1. getting his parents blessings for us (which he said he could talk
to them about and saw no problem in getting them to understand)
2. his temper - he agreed he needed to work on it but that it may
not get any better any time soon and that I'd have to understand that
3. can't remember this one

I dropped him off at the airport feeling assured that he loved me
and wanted something with me...

alot happened while he was in India...

Upon is return... the same Ugly did not come back - it was again the
mean dispecable man I'd come to love yet never existed.

To make this long story short - he told me he couldn't face his
parents and tell them that he had feeling for a woman going through
a divorce that that would kill his mother and she was weak...

He walked away from the relationship and hasn't spoken to me sense.
He walked away from me on April 1, 2004 after I begged and pleated
with him to give us a chance... he said he couldn't face being the
reason i left my husband and that he couldn't kill his mother if she
were to find out about us...

I live today in complete devastion of what's happened and unable to
comprehend how someone could have loved me so intensely when i was
not available and would propose his unconditional devotion and love
to me and express how he much he wanted to be with me and was
willing to talk to my father to fight for me... to this man who now
couldn't face his parents in fear that it would kill them and i was
availble and how he had always told me that he would marry someone
he loved not by arranged marriage.

I am in total confusion mainly of his actions and for my allowing
him to verbally, emotionaly and sexually abuse me all these years.

How could I have ignored all the red flags and taken on all the
blame... how stupid and pitful i was... God help me!!!!!!!!!