Hi. YOu are not alone in this nasty situation. What I would
encourage you to do is to join our much larger P and NPD forums
where many other mothers are coping in similar situations.


We have 5 pages of links about divorce/custody - this is the first
page and the rest are noted on the left
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/divorcecustodyl
inks.msnw

He wants to 'get to you' he wants to be able to make himself look
like the sane one and you the crazy one so, he knows exactly what
buttons to push to get a reaction out of you. Then, he can point the
finger at you and say to others "See, I told you she was crazy"
that's how he does it.

He is trying to get information about you from your daughter. If
she's old enough, you may be able to coach her to say "You'll have
to ask mommy" (over and over) if he drills her about anything about
you.

Because you are in a co-parenting situation, you will need to record
every breath he takes. I'm sorry that's necessary, but these guys
like to hide thier abuse - to everyone else they are wonderful, Dad
perfect< but behind closed doors is another thing. And, for any
changes to existing custody agreements, the courts must have proof
otherwise it's a useless he said/she said situation and most of
these NP are pretty slick talkers.

Here are some links and excerpts for you

Why He uses the Children as Weapons Postseparation
1. He wants her to fail
2. He is losing most of his other avenues for getting at her
3. He considers the children his personal possessions.
4. His perceptions of his ex-partner are highly distorted
Many of my clients genuinely believe that they are doing what is
best for their children by driving them away from their mother,
because they have swallowed their own propaganda about how bad she
is.
Why Does He Do That? – Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling
Men – Author Lundy Bancroft
The Abuser's Tactics in Custody Disputes
Here are just a few of the strategies an abuser tends to use in
custody and visitation disputes:
Taking Advantage of his Financial Positions
Asking for psychological Evaluations
Most abusers do not show significant psychopathology on
psychological tests, but their partners often do as a result of
enduring years of abuse.
Playing the Role of Peacemaker
A great number of my clients use a routine that goes like
this: "There was a lot of fighting and bad feelings in our
relationship, and I can understand that she is bitter about some
things, but we need to put that all behind us for the good of the
children. She is so focused on getting revenge against me that she
is forgetting about the children's needs. That's why I'm asking for
joint custody, so that the children would get lots of time with each
of us, while she's asking for me to have only every other Saturday."
This piece of acting seeks to take advantage of the myth that women
are more vindictive than men when relationships end (in the case of
abuse, however, the reality is very much the opposite) and that men
are frequently victims of false accusations of abuse by women who
want to keep them away from their children. The abuser's goal with
this and all other strategies is to get the court personnel to
disbelieve his ex-partner and ignore any evidence she presents.
Feigning Remorse Over the Abuse
Confusing the Court with Cross accusations
Most of my clients can lie persuasively, with soulful facial
expressions, good eye contact, and colorful details. Court personnel
have trouble believing that such a pleasant-seeming man could simply
be inventing most or all of his accusations against the abused
woman.
Accusing Her of Trying to Turn the Children Against Him
Why Does He Do That? – Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling
Men – Author Lundy Bancroft
When an abused mother does break up the relationship society tends
to do an abrupt about-face. Suddenly she hears from court officials
and from other people:
"Well, maybe he abused you, but that's no reason to keep the
children away from him. He is their father, after all."
"Don't you think your own resentments are clouding your judgement
about your children?"
"Don't you believe that people ever change? Why don't you give him
the benefit of the doubt?" In other words, a women can be punished
for exposing children to a man in one situation, but then punished
for refusing to expose them to the same man in another situation.
And, the second case is potentially even more dangerous than the
first, because she is no longer able to keep an eye on what he does
with the children or to prevent the postseparation excalation that
is so common in abusive fathers.
Why Does He Do That? – Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling
Men – Author Lundy Bancroft

The best strategy for Targets of their Blame is to take a very
Assertive Approach – to quickly provide credible factual information
to the court and to try to be as perfect as possible in every way
during the court process.
SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or
Narcissist
by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

Now this next is a rather difficult thing for some women to do, but
IF you can act as though his exercising his visitation rights is
your ticket to freedom, then this will be one of your most powerful
weapons. When he shows up to pick up your daughter, be all dolled
up, hair all pretty, Full makeup, "going out" clothes and perfume.
Act as though you are ready to go out partying. Even check your
watch if he tries to keep you even an extra second at the door.

Now, if you really go out (and why waste good perfume??), that is
all the better. This is a good time to practice being good to
yourself by spending time with girlfriends, learning to line dance,
taking a class, visiting a museum or art gallery, attending a movie,
concert or play - or whatever. You want him to believe that
his "services" are much desired so that you can have special time
for yourself. No N wants to be an unpaid babysitter.

I have known this tactic to cause a narcissist to totally abandon
their child in a total fury at their ex. I have even known it to
cause a narcissist who has already gotten custody to decide they
don't want custody after all and to literally make their ex take the
child(ren) back. The reason it works is this:

A narcissist is a child - a spoiled self-centered child. No little
kid wants to have to work at caring for and entertaining another
child. All or most of his payoff comes from you obviously not
wanting him to see the child. Even "playing super dad" for someone
or some group they are trying to impress can't do the job forever,
for even grandparents or the people at church seldom provide enough
NS every single time to make it a worthwhile expenditure of energy.

A narcissist only interacts with someone else when there is a
payoff. Feeding, cleaning, dressing, soothing, entertaining someone
even their own child, are not things a narcissist wants to do.
Excerpt Successful Tips, Tricks and Tactics (link in Divorce/custody
links noted above - the 5 pages) you will have to email me at
femfree@... and ask for this document however.

YOu are doing very well in fact. You have managed to keep him from
getting more custody - you've done very well indeed.

Here are some tricks of the trade for us as well.


Abuse Management
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/abusemanagement
.msnw


Here is a page which we provided for another site you might find
interesting.
Everything you Wanted to Know About Managing Your Narcissist's Abuse
(material provided from our sites)
http://www.greatbridgelinks.com/SpeakOut/MANAGING%20YOURN.html

It is important that he hasn't seen her for over 7 months. I hope
you have not prevented him from seeing her - the courts don't like
it when a mother prevents a father from seeing his own child.
Unfortunately that works against a mother who is only protecting her
child. Many mothers who have done that lose custody.

However, if he is the one who has chosen to remain away, then use
that goodie to your advantage to provide a journalled proof of his
time with the child. Collateral witnesses who can see that the
child is happy with you and terrified or scared when daddy picks her
up or drops her off is fantastic proof too. Use and get everything
you can.


Wouldn't it be nice if your lawyer had proof that he is grilling
your daughter for information about you.

Take CAre
femfree








--- In Psychopathsgroup@yahoogroups.com, "myhootietoot"
<myhootietoot@y...> wrote:
>
> Nine years ago I had a child with a psychopath. He left me when I
> was seven months pregnant. After he left he constantly called
> telling me he loved me. For four years we had a long distance
> relationship. As long as I carried on the relationship he ignored
> our daughter. Then I decided I had had enough of this lonely
> relationship and started dating and eventually married another
man.
> That is when the nightmare really began. There are so many
stories I
> could tell. However, nothing he did really got to me until he
> started taking me to court for custody. He does this even though
he
> seems to have no true affection for our daughter. He has nothing
> good to say about her and in fact when she was born he asked me if
> she had downs syndrome. She was and is the most beautiful little
> girl you could hope to see. He alternately flirts with me and
then
> attacks me. It ruined my marriage. He would call and tell my
> husband I was lying to him, that we were still having a
relationship
> etc. My husband was not strong enough to see what he was doing.
In
> addition he took my daughter three times, 5 hours away. He manages
to
> just skirt the law, and does not get in the trouble he should. In
> fairness, once my daughter was home I would be so relieved I
didn't
> press the matter. He has failed in attaining custody because he
lies
> so much. He also fails to pay his child support-until he attempts
to
> get custody again. It all follows a pattern which I have learned
to
> read, however it is like watching a train wreck. No way to stop
> him. Right now I have all rights to our daughter. We are working
on
> a new agreement but I must admit I am terrified. He hasn't seen
her
> for over seven months. In the meantime he has moved and is only
one
> hour away instead of five. He continues to flirt with me and asks
me
> to drink with him or to meet him places. I know if I were to do
> those things he would stop his attack. The thought makes me ill.
I
> never want to fall into his trap again- or did I ever get out of
it
> really? It seems I traded one trap for another. My tactic has
been
> to avoid contact with him as much as possible. He is allowed
phone
> calls and he gets information about me from my daughter. I know
> confrontation would thrill him. Any suggestions would be
> appreciated.