Hi, I am new here. Im in the process of leaving what I believe is a
relationship with a narcissist. Someone at my work told me they
thought my fiance fit the bill for being a narcissist so I have been
reading and learning...and they may be right. I'm very confused,
hurt, and trying to stay focused and sane while I make the move away
from this toxic relationship. I really have no one to talk to, (as he
over the last couple of years he made it a point to isolate me from
friends/family) and to try to talk to those people in our lives (he
permitted to remain) is useless since they have only known the sweet,
charming, and wonderful side he chooses to show them.

Maybe I just need to tell someone, anyone...what I have went through
even though it be strangers on a forum board. He has me so confused
that maybe I just need an unbiased opinion from someone who has (been
there).

To make this short as possible...we met, he charmed his way into my
heart. He wanted to know everything about me, sadly I fear only to
use in his manipulation against me. Within a year, he wanted to marry
me and we became engaged. I could do no wrong in his eyes and he
thought my teenaged daughter was wonderful. He wanted to give us
things we didnt have (his words) out of his deep love for me. He
bought us furniture, jewelry etc. Then knowing what kind of house I
had always dreamt of having, he went out and bought it...country, a
acre, cozy little ranch. I was estatic! All my dreams coming true. A
wonderful upstanding, responsible loving man who loved me enough to
give me the world! I adored him and loved him deeply. My love was
unconditional. My daughter thought the world of him.

Within days of moving in together in the new house...things changed.
He issued rules of conduct for my daughter and I was lectured about
how lenient I was with her and how I would be failing her as a mother
if she didnt have strict rules/guidelines to follow. He was so
intelligent, so well spoken and so well versed in his opinions and I
knowing because of the divorce from her father I HAD been somewhat
lenient...I agreed with him. Within a month, he issued rules for my
behavior...how he should be spoken too, how he wanted the house kept,
how I should dress, etc etc etc. This started 3 months of fights,
talks, and lectures about what he expected from a wife, how he
expected his home to be run. This was when he began the threats.."If
you dont think you can be the kind of wife I need, want and
deserve..then maybe you would be happier elsewhere"

I wanted so much to make this work for me and my daughter. I didnt
want another failed relationship so I promised to try harder to make
him happy. He used words to make it appear as if I was the one with
the problem, I was contaminated by my past, my job, my friends and he
thought it best for *us* if I discontinued contact with people he
thought were a bad influence on me.

So for the next 2 years, as I would reach one level of satisfaction
for him...he would suddenly need *to have a talk with me* I would
then find out (the new things about me that were harming our
relationship) and his bar of perfection would be raised and the
threat (to leave) would be issued. At this time he told me as long as
I remained as I was (disrespectful to him, warring with him) he would
not marry me but if I conceded to his wishes, I might get the honor
of marriage. Also, because my daughter was now seeing this other side
of him in his treatment to her...and she is a teen..she started
rebelling somewhat. She is a wonderful kid, good grades, polite,
helpful and loving and she made the mistake of telling him that he
didnt have to be so strict and mean to her, and I backed her up
telling him that being grounded for 3 weeks for forgetting to turn
off one light and her computer monitor was extreme.

Well, the was the beginning of the end. In his mind, we co-conspired
to disrespect and defy his authority. He never thought she would ever
turn out to be *that kind of kid* (whatever that meant). Maybe he
wasnt ready to step father. I was a failure as a mom because I let
her say what was on her mind. I had never supported him in his
discipline of her. He even lied and told me that he had talked
previously with my family and they told him that I was a bad mother
and knew he would have *problems* with me and my daughter. I got the
lecture on how much he had done for me, for us, and how ungrateful I
was. He thought it best I move out and go raise my daughter as I saw
fit.

The threat of this and the constant dangling of the marriage carrot
was enough for me and I agreed that I should go. Then he told me that
really, I could stay BUT..I had to agree on the following...and I
quote..."You will recognize that I am the head of the house and you
will respect and follow my rules for you and your daughter, you will
support me fully in the decisions i make for your daughter and we
will raise her the way I feel is right for her. You will no longer
question my decisions or actions, you will obey me as a wife should
and your daughter will be taught that she must be polite, respectful,
and obedient. If you can do this, we will have a nice life together,
if not...then you should go."

I decided to go because I will never be able to live up to the
standards of his perfection and neither will my daughter. She is a
teen and if he cant handle a very minor issue such as what he
percieves as a teens mouthiness, he would totally flip should she
ever really make a mistake. And...Im not a robot.

So now we are looking for a place to live and yes he is trying to
control that as well, where I should go, how much to pay etc. But he
never lets me forget that this is all my fault, because i couldnt see
just how wonderful and deserving he truely is and how he never
deserved a disobedient wife and disrespect from my daughter.
Im sorry this is so long...I really needed to get this off my chest.
Thanks for listening.
Jen

I chose the name mastersgrief because he wanted to be the Master of
his home and I was never anything more than grief to him.