Coping with Various Types of Stalkers

Emotional, Verbal, and Psychological Abuse, Domestic and Family
Violence and Spousal Abuse

Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality
Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist,

and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

First published on Spousal Abuse and Domestic Violence on Suite101




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"Trauma Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

Traumas as Social Interactions

Coping with Your Abuser

Coping with Your Paranoid Ex

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Stalkers are not made of one cloth. Some of them are psychopaths,
others are schizoids, narcissists, paranoids, or an admixture of
these mental health disorders. Stalkers harass their victims because
they are lonely, or because it is fun (these are latent sadists), or
because they can't help it (clinging or codependent behaviour), or
for a myriad different reasons.

Clearly, coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may
backfire or prove to be futile with another. The only denominator
common to all bullying stalkers is their pent-up rage. The stalker
is angry at his or her targets and hates them. He perceives his
victims as unnecessarily and churlishly frustrating. The aim of
stalking is to "educate" the victim and to punish her.

Hence the catch-22 of coping with stalkers:

The standard - and good - advice is to avoid all contact with your
stalker, to ignore him, even as you take precautions. But being
evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his
frustration. The more he feels sidelined and stonewalled, the more
persistent he becomes, the more intrusive and the more aggressive.

It is essential, therefore, to first identify the type of abuser you
are faced with.

(1) The Erotomaniac

This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you and that,
regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the feeling is
reciprocal (you are in love with him). He interprets everything you
do (or refrain from doing) as coded messages confessing your eternal
devotion to him and to your "relationship". Erotomaniacs are lonely,
socially-inapt people. They may also be people with whom you have
been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former
boyfriend, a one night stand) - or otherwise (for instance,
colleagues or co-workers).

Best coping strategy

Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even
acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and
often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of
proportion every comment or gesture of his "loved one". Avoid
contact - do not talk to him, return his gifts unopened, refuse to
discuss him with others, delete his correspondence.

(2) The Narcissist

Feels entitled to your time, attention, admiration, and resources.
Interprets every rejection as an act of aggression which leads to a
narcissistic injury. Reacts with sustained rage and vindictiveness.
Can turn violent because he feels omnipotent and immune to the
consequences of his actions.

Best coping strategy

Make clear that you want no further contact with him and that this
decision is not personal. Be firm. Do not hesitate to inform him
that you hold him responsible for his stalking, bullying, and
harassment and that you will take all necessary steps to protect
yourself. Narcissists are cowards and easily intimidated. Luckily,
they never get emotionally attached to their prey and so can move on
with ease.

(3) The Paranoid

By far the most dangerous the lot. Lives in an inaccessible world of
his own making. Cannot be reasoned with or cajoled. Thrives on
threats, anxiety, and fear. Distorts every communication to feed his
persecutory delusions.

From the article "Avoiding Your Paranoid Ex":

"The paranoid's conduct is unpredictable and there is no "typical
scenario". But experience shows that you can minimise the danger to
yourself and to your household by taking some basic steps.

If at all possible, put as much physical distance as you can between
yourself and the stalker. Change address, phone number, email
accounts, cell phone number, enlist the kids in a new school, find a
new job, get a new credit card, open a new bank account. Do not
inform your paranoid ex about your whereabouts and your new life.
You may have to make painful sacrifices, such as minimize contact
with your family and friends.

Even with all these precautions, your abusive ex is likely to find
you, furious that you have fled and evaded him, raging at your
newfound existence, suspicious and resentful of your freedom and
personal autonomy. Violence is more than likely. Unless deterred,
paranoid former spouses tend to be harmful, even lethal.

Be prepared: alert your local law enforcement officers, check out
your neighbourhood domestic violence shelter, consider owning a gun
for self-defence (or, at the very least, a stun gun or mustard
spray). Carry these with you at all times. Keep them close by and
accessible even when you are asleep or in the bathroom.

Erotomanic stalking can last many years. Do not let down your guard
even if you haven't heard from him. Stalkers leave traces. They
tend, for instance, to "scout" the territory before they make their
move. A typical stalker invades his or her victim's privacy a few
times long before the crucial and injurious encounter.

Is your computer being tampered with? Is someone downloading your e-
mail? Has anyone been to your house while you were away? Any signs
of breaking and entering, missing things, atypical disorder (or too
much order)? Is your post being delivered erratically, some of the
envelopes opened and then sealed? Mysterious phone calls abruptly
disconnected when you pick up? Your stalker must have dropped by and
is monitoring you.

Notice any unusual pattern, any strange event, any weird occurrence.
Someone is driving by your house morning and evening? A
new "gardener" or maintenance man came by in your absence? Someone
is making enquiries about you and your family? Maybe it's time to
move on.

Teach your children to avoid your paranoid ex and to report to you
immediately any contact he has made with them. Abusive bullies often
strike where it hurts most - at one's kids. Explain the danger
without being unduly alarming. Make a distinction between adults
they can trust - and your abusive former spouse, whom they should
avoid.

Ignore your gut reactions and impulses. Sometimes, the stress is so
onerous and so infuriating that you feel like striking back at the
stalker. Don't do it. Don't play his game. He is better at it than
you are and is likely to defeat you. Instead, unleash the full force
of the law whenever you get the chance to do so: restraining orders,
spells in jail, and frequent visits from the police tend to check
the abuser's violent and intrusive conduct.

The other behavioural extreme is equally futile and
counterproductive. Do not try to buy peace by appeasing your abuser.
Submissiveness and attempts to reason with him only whet the
stalker's appetite. He regards both as contemptible weaknesses,
vulnerabilities he can exploit. You cannot communicate with a
paranoid because he is likely to distort everything you say to
support his persecutory delusions, sense of entitlement, and
grandiose fantasies. You cannot appeal to his emotions - he has
none, at least not positive ones.

Remember: your abusive and paranoid former partner blames it all on
you. As far as he is concerned, you recklessly and unscrupulously
wrecked a wonderful thing you both had going. He is vengeful,
seething, and prone to bouts of uncontrolled and extreme aggression.
Don't listen to those who tell you to "take it easy". Hundreds of
thousands of women paid with their lives for heeding this advice.
Your paranoid stalker is inordinately dangerous - and, more likely
than not, he is with you for a long time to come."

(4) The Antisocial (Psychopath)

Though ruthless and, typically, violent, the psychopath is a
calculating machine, out to maximize his gratification and personal
profit. Psychopaths lack empathy and may even be sadistic - but
understand well and instantly the language of carrots and sticks.

Best coping strategy

Convince your psychopath that messing with your life or with your
nearest is going to cost him dearly. Do not threaten him. Simply, be
unequivocal about your desire to be left in peace and your
intentions to involve the Law should he stalk, harass, or threaten
you. Give him a choice between being left alone and becoming the
target of multiple arrests, restraining orders, and worse. Take
extreme precautions at all times and meet him only in public places.

We elaborate on each and every type and the corresponding coping
strategy in our next article.

Continue ...


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RESOURCES

Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Psychological and Verbal Abuse Resources

Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence on Suite101

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