Hi Cheapy. You are going through the turmoil right now and like all
of us you need to learn as much as you can as fast as you can and
protect yourself financially and emotionally. Please, if you can,
self impose that essential No Contact time. That's when we really
get our heads around this and can see what's happening.

That's when the rollercoaster ends.

Hugs
femfree


--- In Psychopathsgroup@yahoogroups.com, Cheapy
<cheapdisguise2003@y...> wrote:
> 't my heart see what my head knows- that he is no good???
> I'm sure many others out there feel the same way- they long for
the way things were at first- when he was the perfect man. He was
everything you ever wanted because he knew how to manipulate you.
He listened to your stories just to know what it was you were
looking for and became that person.
> Argh! My frustration with this is reaching a peak and I am at a
loss as to what to do. I feel like a gerbil on an exercise wheel
going round and round each day that I have to see him. The cycle of
grief repeats itself daily- denial, grief, anger, denial grief,
anger. In some ways- I think he knows of the torment he puts me
through and I believe he enjoys it. I can't even look this man in
the eyes anymore.
> How do I get out of this cycle? How do I work with this man and
NOT be nice?
> Why do I feel like the one with the problem when I know that he's
the one that is so sick?
>
>
> Darla <femfree@y...> wrote:
> HI Cheapy. It seems the cruelest blow that our nurturing natures
are
> so targeted and taken advantage of. I admire people who go through
> their whole lives with no NPs in sight. However, we weren't that
> lucky. It's just so psychologically brutal and these NPs can
breeze
> through it with nary a backward glance.
>
> Some quotes...
> "Another trait, important for everyone who deals with a
psychopath,
> is their ability to evoke pity; the same kind of pity we feel
> towards invalids or experience for helpless and sick children.
They
> seem completely helpless, lost in a world where they do not
belong.
> Again and again they try to adjust and to cope, in a fashion that
> always falls a bit shy of the mark. They are eternal strangers,
> arousing in each of us a longing to help, a feeling we experience
> with helpless human beings. Often this pity creates difficulties,
> and many is the person who falls prey to it. We often try to be
kind
> to these "poor" people, and they are "poor" people - our pity is
> justifiable. However the problem is that psychopaths readily
> manipulate those around them through just such pity. Women are
often
> victimized: mothering instincts are aroused,
> Excerpt: The Emptied Soul: On the Nature of the Psychopath - by
> Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig
>
>
> We would like to believe that we can help anyone who comes, for
> whatever reasons, seeking our help. We would like to believe that
no
> symptom, no complaint, no difficulty can withstand our talent, our
> ability, and our understanding. Here we get caught, as they say,
> between a rock and a hard place. Since psychopaths understand our
> weakness, our need to help them against our better judgment, they
> can use us, manipulating us to the point where we start defending
> them, writing letters of recommendation for them and the like. To
> take the situation one step further, we react to psychopaths as we
> react to all human beings. We feel pity and sympathy, savior
> fantasies are called forth, our feelings of mothering and
fathering
> are awakened."
> Excerpt: The Emptied Soul: On the Nature of the Psychopath - by
> Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig
>
> I hear so many people on this board struggle with the fact that
they
> have a hard time giving up their niceness in order to deal with
N.
> Many people on this board say that they WONT give up being nice to
N
> because it is just wrong to not be nice. I am a nice person, but
> when it comes to N... nice hurts you. Nice had a lot to do with
> getting me into the relationship and probably had 90% to do with
why
> I stayed in it for so long. Ns take advantage of nice. You've got
> to stop being nice to them... they just gobble it up and then spit
> it back at you. Stop it... it is how he gets to you."
> Member Quotes
>
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/memberquotes1.m
> snw
>
> We learn, the the lesson is a painful one of 20/20 hindsight. But
> one we'll never forget.
>
> Taking Care - of ourselves
> Femfree
>
>
>
>
>
> --- In Psychopathsgroup@yahoogroups.com, Cheapy
> <cheapdisguise2003@y...> wrote:
> > You know, I had much of the same experience as you, Darla. I
was
> under the impression that because he had so many issues
(alcoholism
> being one of them) that I could somehow fix this person. He was
> nearly twice my age, but somehow I felt that he needed me. He did
> need me- to play his game- but not for anything else. He found me
> in at a very vulnerable time - I had just moved from my home town
> away from my lifetime friends and my family and into a strange
> city. Being far away from hom and not really knowing anyone in
the
> new city, I was a bit vulnerable, to say the least. The N seemed
SO
> personable and interested in me- wanted to spend a lot of time
with
> me and would listen to the things I wanted and needed in a
> relationship. Low and behold- he became the perfect man for me.
> But even a camelion eventually changes colors- and he could only
> pretend to be that person for a period of time.
> > I still work with the N- and I have to admit- I still have
> feelings for him in my heart-- but in my mind I know that I can't
> fix him and need him out of my life. I also realize I miss the
> person he pretended to be-- not the real person that he is. I sit
> by and watch as he attempts to recruit more 'victims' through the
> personal ads. For some reason, it still bothers me to see him
going
> out with other people.
> >
> > I am looking for a new job now- and hope to find something
soon.
> every day that I see him it's as though he rips the scab off of a
> slowly healing wound.
> > Wil it ever end? I wonder sometimes. It's as though as long as
> he is a part of my life in any way shape or form, I am not able to
> move forward.
> >
> > So- to say it simply-- no-- they can't be fixed. And I was
lucky
> that I only wasted about 4 months on this one. But the effects of
> what he did to me still linger on. It's amazing how in such a
short
> period of time that a N can change your whole perspective on life
> and relationships. One day I was everything to him- and the next,
I
> was nothing. I still find it hard to believe that the truth is, I
> was never, ever important to him- I was just a pawn in this game
he
> plays with women.
> >
> > I've been at home sick for the last few days and guess who was
the
> only one to call to check on me from work. The N. Go figure. So
I
> guess I pose the same question to the group-- how in the world do
I
> get this person out of my life, my thoughts and away from my
> dreams? It's been such a short period of time, but it feels like
an
> eternity.
> > And I pose one other question to the group-- how in the world do
I
> know I have come in contact with another N in the future. I don't
> thinkI can go through this again.
> > To those of you who have been through this for years- my heart
> aches for you. I was one of the lucky ones, and yet the
devistation
> has been immense.
> > Bless you all- I appreciate your support
> > Sam
> >
> > Darla <femfree@y...> wrote:
> > Hi. It takes a lot of willpower - one of the dangers of these
> sites
> > is that we read about the causes and problems of the NPs and we
> can
> > think we can help them. It's a trap I walked right into and I
was
> > warned not to do that. But being ignorant of the facts and a
> > nurturer was my undoing as I tried stupidly and unusuccesfully
to
> > fix him. It was a stupid waste of time. I'm glad I didn't waste
> any
> > more than the 3 months I put into that venture.
> >
> > Take Care
> > femfree
> >
> >
> > --- In Psychopathsgroup@yahoogroups.com, Cheryl Spooner
> > <mrsslocum2003@y...> wrote:
> > > Thank you. You're right. Everything that I've read over the
> past
> > week tells me that no contact is the only way to get this sadist
> out
> > of my life. Hugs, Cheryl
> > >
> > > Darla <femfree@y...> wrote:Hi and Welcome. First off, what is
> his
> > payoff? Making you jump and
> > > pay attention to him? You are geographically removed so I
assume
> > > he's not sitting outside your door or running into him on
street
> > > corners.
> > >
> > > First off I would suggest just hang up on him - no reaction
> > > whatsoever.
> > >
> > > What a lot of the problem is - is that' we're too nice. We
want
> > some
> > > gentle ending with mental psychological closure - and we need
to
> > get
> > > over that and get over it fast.
> > >
> > > These people don't emotions so don't think you can hurt them
In
> > any
> > > way - you can't.
> > >
> > > Learn the nature of the beast - learn as much as you can as
fast
> > as
> > > you can and protect yourself financially and emotionally (and
> > > physically too!)
> > >
> > > Here's some advice from Dr. Sam Vaknin about the NPD type
> > > How to Leave a Narcissist. The narcissist analyses (and
> > > internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt,
> superiority
> > > and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) and the
> > resulting
> > > matrix of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are binary
> > contraptions.
> > > Thus, the formula is very simple: Shift the blame to yourself
> ("I
> > > don't know what happened to me, I have changed, it is my
fault,
> I
> > am
> > > to blame for this, you are constant, reliable and consistent).
> > Tell
> > > him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and
picturesque
> > > detail). Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you
feel.
> > Make
> > > this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain.
> > > Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others
> > > (future women?) than he ever did or will from you. BUT Make
> clear
> > > that your decision - though evidently "erroneous"
> > > and "pathological" - is FINAL, irrevocable and that all
contact
> is
> > > to be severed henceforth. And never leave ANYTHING in writing.
> > > Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List - Part 35
Sam
> > > Vaknin
> > > http://samvak.tripod.com/archive35.html
> > >
> > > But the problem is that it's your problem mrsslocum and it's
up
> to
> > > you to take the steps to end any way he has of making contact
> with
> > > you and if that means you have to just (yes rudely) hang up -
do
> > so
> > > without any hesitation whatsoever - give yourself permission
to
> do
> > > that. It's OK!!
> > >
> > > He will do whatever it takes to make you pay attention to him.
> > It's
> > > the nature of the beast.
> > >
> > > Take Care
> > > femfree
> > > "As a psychiatrist was once heard saying "Ns are the bread and
> > > butter of the therapeutic enterprise, not because they so
often
> > seek
> > > professional help—they are too impressed with themselves to
ever
> > > think they have a problem—but because they drive so many
people
> > > around them crazy."
> > > Echo No Longer; The Recovery Process of the Partner of the
> Person
> > > Suffering from a Narcissistically Impaired Personality. Mary
Ann
> > > Borg Cunen, M.A
> > > http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/page.msnw
> > > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/1484
> > >
> > > Moving on, without closure - To come back to the ever-
seductive
> > pull
> > > of the N, the partner finds she has to do all the work of
> putting
> > an
> > > end to the relationship herself. The N will always want to
keep
> it
> > > open-ended, to keep his hold on the partner."
> > > Echo No Longer; The Recovery Process of the Partner of the
> Person
> > > Suffering from a Narcissistically Impaired Personality. Mary
Ann
> > > Borg Cunen, M.A
> > > http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/page.msnw
> > > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/1484
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > --- In Psychopathsgroup@yahoogroups.com, "mrsslocum2003"
> > > <mrsslocum2003@y...> wrote:
> > > > Please help me. It's three years - together, apart, abuse,
> the
> > > > insane cycle. After reading this site, I realize I've
become
> > > > emotionally unstable (almost) myself from this sick
bastard.
> > > Please,
> > > > we're far apart geographically right now, and I need to dump
> him
> > > in a
> > > > way that will extricate him permanently. I'm 50 years old
for
> > god
> > > > sake and he has nearly destroyed every part of me. I'm so
> > > depressed
> > > > and full of anxiety I can't sleep - he's in my nightmares.
> > Please
> > > > respond ASAP. God bless you all.
> > >
> > >
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