Welcome aboard
Sep 7th 2006
From The Economist print edition

In-flight announcements are not entirely truthful. What might an
honest one sound like?
"GOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you
aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please
ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and
your tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our
first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our
seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since
they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly
anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This
is the part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention
to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance
where the exits are makes a dramatic difference to your chances of
survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your
seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not
illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air
turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can
cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the
air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some
idea of how nasty it can be. We don't want to scare you. Still, keep
that seat belt fastened all the same.

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not
remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the
event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have
occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-
bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero.
This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form
life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-
heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space
helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to
mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of
science fiction.

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with
the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've
always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they
interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that
doesn't sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are
left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not
allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to
come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling
across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut
of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety
concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a
video consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, with a
voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of
deep-vein thrombosis. We are aware that this video is tedious, but it
is not meant to be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in the
event of lawsuits.

Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light
meal and a choice of beverages—a word that sounds so much better than
just saying `drinks', don't you think? The purpose of these
refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do
yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in
moderate quantities so that you become mildly sedated but not rowdy.
That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or
two to help ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.

After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain
will say a few words that will either be so quiet that you will not
be able to hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So
please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you
have a choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a
member of an incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits,
most of which you have never heard of. Cabin crew, please make sure
we have remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean: `Doors to
automatic and cross-check'. Thank you for flying Veritas."